I'm sorry, but ... whoever you are, you didn't impress me with this poem...
...
...
... For God's sake, poetry isn't about rhyming, if that's what you think it's about emotions and using big words and not making Brad's Top Ten WORST List. (Because he'll do that to you)
Your second stanza in rhyming came completely off because UP doesn't rhyme with MATURE...
Yeah I can't give any helpful criticism and I'm actually kind of sad I read this poem... It was dissopointing.
You forced rhyme, you didn't flow, and LAMENT is such an ugly word because throughout the entire poem there are NO big words and suddenly you put LAMENT and I had to look it up because it was just this UGLY word.
That's the first time I ever said that a word was UGLY but it's TRUE! You need a total overhaul on this poem.
The next thing I had to point out is like... ... ... I don't know, he's a destructive little bugger, but you don't make me FEEL like it is aside from saying that, in my own paraphrase:
A boy liked to break things but wasn't caught. He grew older but still did everything. Then he liked some girls and threw their dolls down a vent and all the little girls cried.
...
I DON'T FEEL IT!
MAKE ME FEEL IT!
... I know, I'm scary today, you should see me on a bad day though.
Rip this to shreads and if I see any more forced rhyme from you I won't be pretty.
Heh, seven year olds are cute but I wouldn't want to inherit their writing skills right now XD. Sorry if I seemed mean, I'm in a worse mood but apologizing makes me feel a little better... just needa fix it up for a... 13 year old.
You post here in full knowledge that your work will subjected to relatively harsh criticism.
I have only two things to say:
1. At this level of attainment, you are wasting your time posting here. You have received good, well-meaning suggestions for this that should help you progress. It's time to take the advice you've been given.
2. Nobody cares about the circumstances of the poem's creation. If you wrote it with a seven year old and posted it here--that's your fault. We expect to read your best, not your wastebin scraps.
Best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
No offense to pink puppies or to you misspriss but um.. this poem wasn't very good. There I said it. The way you rhymed it made it seem kind of annoying somehow. I agree with Incandescence. Don't post work that you know doesn't stand a chance. Next time don't take advice from a seven year old.
"It is better to hope than to despair; To love than to hate;
To question than accept; To be strong than weak;
To do something rather than nothing; To live than to die;
To be free than be bound"
Yours truly, Siam
You lean to heavily on the rhyming. It makes it ugly, because it constantly rhymes; this kind of rhyming isn't suggested..
The subject matter was also rather...dry, though original. But hear that you wrote it with a seven year old, it makes sense. This is something a seven year old would right—and you are not seven, so I am sure you can do better. As Brad said, post your best.
Even though its not really worth mentioning, because there is no worth in saving this poem, I'll say it for the sake of any poem you write in the future: please, for the love of everything, punctuate your poetry properly! Without punctuation, its impossible to make good poetry. Here is an article you can read that will help you out: Poetry & Punctuation
Good luck next time, I suppose.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
I never thought I'd say this (me being nice and loving) that I agree with Incan. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN ???
Anyway, this sort of poem is the things you'd expect to read in a year 2's workbook. Hate to say that but its true. You wrote it with a seven year old, so why didnt you post this on the Blues Clues website where it might have been more appreciated.
I admit, poetry is NOT my forte, but I do know a bad poem when I see one (sorry). I read the whole poem with my eyebrow up thinking "what the gosh is this... and why am i reading it..." RIGHT...
If poetry's not your thing (like me) then try and concentrate on your talents and find a way of writing that will suit not suck. like, try script writing, short stories, long stories, et cetera, then find the work that is actually good and post it here so its worth people like Incan's time (cos he's so important )
Having said that, i need to finish on a positive note or Ill feel terrible.
I LOVE YOU MISSPRISS (as in a friend way... like I love everyone so dont get too weirded out, lol)
*sigh* Elle darling, you really could have done better... However, your (first??) rather interesting attempt at writing a poem with a 7-year-old did not make me want to scream and run away in fear for the future of the human race. So, please write ANOTHER poem... all by yourself. Then I shall tear THAT one to shreds. *teehee* Anywayz, ly!
This is... yes, well. I second everything Brad said. This one even fails to be vaguely amusing, as some of your other sillier ones were. If you're not serious about your poetry, why are you posting it? This is not a showcase--it's a workshop. This is for poets to work on their craft, not for kids to show off things they wrote with seven-year-olds.
yeah, this is old...lol, i would have ripped this apart if missy hadn't reminded us that it was a year old. thanks, and i'll check out some of your newer stuff to see if you improved...
I know it's not very good, poetry isn't my thing, but I made up this poem with a little seven year old. 
I'll be looking forward to reading your other poems, stories, etc! 
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