Through The Motions.

I understand why -
your voice crackles on a dying line
and I wonder where your eyes are;
the sky is coughing grey, is your God crying?
The broken tiles of the ceiling are closer
to my touch than your shoulder ever was,
and a falling plaster casts my knee,
just pale enough to be tough.
The cords lie dead as I sink
- you’re not here.

[quote="PenguinAttack"]I understand why -
Your voice crackles on a dying line >>>This is akward, but I like it.
and I wonder where your eyes are;>>>Um no offence PA but where would they be?
the sky is coughing grey, is your God crying?
The broken tiles of the ceiling are closer
to my touch than your shoulder ever was,
and a falling plaster casts my knee,
just pale enough to be tough.
The cords lie dead as I sink
- you’re not here.[/quote]>>>Oooh I love the ending!!!


OK sorry PA I just totally distroyed your entire poem lol, I love it, of course I'm not a grammer person or spelling but I crit on quality!!! lol anyways good luck girly and keep writing!

your friend as always
-Max

Thanks Max. ^^

I really appreciate the review. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hello dear! *Snuggles*

I understand why -

Your [Why the capital for your? It might be interesting to capitalise your and you throughout to show the importance f this other person to the narrator but otherwise it should be a small letter.] voice crackles on a dying line

and I wonder where your eyes are; [I love this line. A very intriguing way to suggest the person is staring into space =)]

the sky is coughing grey, is your God crying? [Lovely description of the sky and your flow is very smooth.]

The broken tiles of the ceiling are closer

to my touch than your shoulder ever was,

and a falling plaster casts my knee, [I love the double meaning here, you've got a lovely sharp wit dear.]

just pale enough to be tough. [I'm not sure about this line. It feels a little anti-climatic after the lovely preceding lines that seem to be building to some revelation.]

The cords lie dead as I sink [Good play with cord (I'm presuming you meant for the echo of phone cord there) but I'm not sure about sink to be honest, it seems weak.]

- you’re not here. [Lovely ending and now I can see where your dash at the beginning fits in more. Love it.]

It's a good, short poem dear. I think a few lines could be strengthened but in general, there's some good wit to it and it flows beautifully. Who says my wifey can't write poetry with substance and meaning? You do it better than I do, dear. So now you have no grounds for saying that yours is nothing but pretty images because it's pretty images and good, strong substance too.

Great work. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful xx