Jesse Part 2 (ch. 3)

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Ya, I need more variety in what I post. I know I know. My PSA's are all the same. And this Jesse story was written when I was like 12 or 13 an a lot of the stuff in here sounds like it was written by a 12 year old. But I'm looking for help with the ideas more or less.

Okay now for the story...

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Walking down the cold street towards an empty wooden bench overlooking a cold, seemingly lifeless lake, and without the ferryman Charon to lead the way, Jesse couldn't fight off the feeling of being alone.
Jesse was was behind the bench now, he bent over a picked up a small round black rock and whispered "Styx" to it and threw into the still water, his way of naming this as the place she died to him. To him this place was the Paradise Lost.
Like the river Styx, this place had given Jesse the ability to stand alone, but like most deals with hell, it came at the price of a broken heart.

Jesse stood erect and walked around the bench, letting his hand slide across it's smooth oak top. Standing in front of it, with his back to the lake, he looked at the brass plaque screwed to the center of the backrest. It read:
"Dedicated In Loving
Memory of
Kayla Nicole"
Beneath the plaque, scribbled in a heart drawn in permanent marker were the words "Helly+Jess"
He inhaled deeply like it was possible to suck the memories he had of this place out of the air, drawing what this freshly renamed lake had seen in through his nose to stick to his brain like flies on adhesive paper. Memories.
***
How she used to stare at the plaque until one day she said "Kayla must have been the sweetest girl."
"whys that?" Jesse asked, confused by the oddity of the statement.
"Well think about it, Jess, What kind of person asks to have a bench put in a practically abandoned park as a dieing request?"
"I don't know, maybe she liked it here so she wanted a piece of herself here forever."
"If that was the case she'd be buried here with a sign that said 'Get The Hell Off The Grass'. No, she was a real sweetheart who gave up her money to put this bench here so you and I could sit here. I bet she was really pretty" Helena added the last part as an afterthought.
Jesse looked into her eyes and asked, "do I even have to say it?" and they both smiled at their inside joke.
***
Jesse sat down on the bench, he put his left arm over the backrest and looked down at his lap where her head used to lay.
He sat there for a few minutes, or maybe hours, time really didn't have any meaning to him now. He wasn't thinking about Adam, who was probably in the hospital getting sewn up to the extent of a torn up rag doll who'd gone through a desperate attempt to be saved with some needle and thread. The thought of Adam never crossed his mind.
What did cross his mind was John, the backstabbing accomplice to his emotional homicide. He had laid down his hand of cards when Jesse was looking the other way. And by the time Jesse turned back, his chest was open and his heart was lifeless on the floor with "his and her" sets of footprints on it.
But it didn't matter how it happened, she was with him now, and it was all Jesse could do to stop himself from praying to God to change the past and let it have been John who touched his shoulder asking for a fight. But the promise he wore around his neck was one he couldn't break. Anything Jesse did to John, he did to Helena as well.

Something interrupted his contemplating, it was a pay phone, off to his left. He looked over and saw the lighthouse, its light spinning up in the clouds, leading ships away from danger. Jesse counted; two rings, four rings, five...
Jesse got up and ran to the phone, towards the lighthouse, like a ship heading for a rocky bluff that couldn't stop, something was pulling him in. The dew was setting on the grass and started seeping through his shoes, dampening his feet. He got to the phone and stared. He reached out and placed his hand on the receiver, but it was too late, it had stopped ringing.
He put his head down, wondering what or who he might have missed on the other end of the line.
The phone started to ring again and Jesse stared. The black phone was more intimidating than God at that moment, it was like a baby crying alone in the night. Do you ignore its cries or stay and try to help?
He clasped his hand around the cold receiver and brought it to his face. Through his fear and apprehension he managed to choke out a faint "Hello...?"

Chapter---
Last edited by andrew.j.m on Sat Sep 13, 2008 9:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Ah. The ending was lovely.

Walking down the cold street towards an empty wooden bench overlooking a cold, seemingly lifeless lake, and without the ferryman Charon to lead the way, Jesse couldn't fight off the feeling of being alone.


Make that two sentences.

Jesse was was behind the bench now, he bent over


Period in place of the comma.

Like the river Styx, this place had given Jesse the ability to stand alone, but like most deals with hell, it came at the price of a broken heart.


Here's how this sentence should look: Like the River Styx, this place had given Jesse the ability to stand alone. But like most, it dealt with hell; it came at the price of a broken heart.

"Dedicated In Loving
Memory of
Kayla Nicole"


What's with the spacing? Why can't it just be on one line? Also, I think that part would look better if you put it in italics and not quotation marks.

Beneath the plaque, scribbled in a heart drawn in permanent marker were the words "Helly+Jess"


Period after the second quotation mark.

"whys that?" Jesse asked, confused by the oddity of the statement.


Capital W, why's or why is.

"Well think about it, Jess, What kind of person asks to have a bench put in a practically abandoned park as a dieing request?"


Lowercase W. dying.

Something interrupted his contemplating, it was a pay phone, off to his left.


Something interrupted his contemplating; it was a pay phone, off to his left.

All right. Well, seeing as that is done, I shall go into the praise part again. I love the muted suspense you get as Jesse picks up the receiver. And then that cliffhanger ending, dude. I'm a sucker for those. xD They're so pleasantly frustrating. I absolutely love all those little things that remind Jesse of Helena. I thought the part with the bench was really quite nice. It gives Jesse some depth, and maybe even Helena. That kid has a lot going on. I feel so sorry for him reading it because his emotions are portrayed so well. That's your strength, I've noticed. Displaying all of those emotions in such a way that the reader feels everything the character feels, even if they cannot relate. That's a wonderful strength to have! I'm a bit envious.

Keep the PMs coming!
Holly
eviscerate your fragile frame
spill it out in ragged form
a thousand different versions of yourself.




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Hola!


Walking down the cold street towards an empty wooden bench overlooking a cold, seemingly lifeless lake, and without the ferryman Charon to lead the way, Jesse couldn't fight off the feeling of being alone.

This is a run-on.


Jesse was was behind the bench now, he bent over a picked up a small round black rock and whispered "Styx" to it and threw into the still water, his way of naming this as the place she died to him.

Another run-on.


Like the river Styx, this place had given Jesse the ability to stand alone, but like most deals with hell, it came at the price of a broken heart.

I'm a coma nazi. >:0+< says: STOP WITH THE RUN ONS! haha, sorry.


"Dedicated In Loving

Memory of

Kayla Nicole"

The spacing seems kind of odd...


Beneath the plaque, scribbled in a heart drawn in permanent marker were the words "Helly+Jess"

Period at the end.


"whys that?" Jesse asked, confused by the oddity of the statement.

1] Capitalize that 'w'
2] Whys? Whys? BECAUSE I'S SAY'S SO'S. haha, no just make that Why is that.



"Well think about it, Jess, What...

Lowercase this w.
also - you spelled dying wrong(:



WAIT! IS SHE DEAD? Man - that's all I've been thinking about: you have the reader hooked, my friend(:
The ending was amazing, can't wait to read more.
I love your character, actually. I can't exactly explain why, though. Good job, all in all!
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




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Alright I'm here. I liked the first and second chapter they had some mistakes but still got me hooked. Any who on to the story..

Jesse was was behind the bench now

Only one was.
"whys that?"

Capitalize the why, so it'll make it Why.
"do I even have to say it?"

Capitalize the D.
Jesse was behind the bench now, he bent over.

1.Period instead of comma it sounds a little funny.
"Whys that?"

Comma after the s, making it why is.

Those are the ones I found. The story plot is good, but I thought this chapter was a little short. Maybe you should make it longer or put in a dialogue? Anyway the ending well all I can say is AWESOME! I love cliffhangers like that. It's so.. so dramatic. You can count on me to read chp. 4. Keep up the good work. :D
Why do you live?
I live for EDWARD CULLEN! ())>-%-- <3



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