Her

She Walks Past Me Everyday,
The Smell Of Her Perfume Never seems to go,
Some day i hope to be the bottle she uses,
the bottle of her dreams, She'll use whats inside me all the time,
I'll Sing High And Saor Low,
In Class' My eyes dragg across to her,
Im a coward, of some sort,
Who Is She,
She's the goddess of them all,
Everyone seems to know her name,
But where from different worlds,
Im into books,
And she's into blades,
But she is the same sort of me,
Where the same kind On different worlds,
Our souls cannot be,
Why does my world Huant be me,
Why can't it let me go,
I try escape to see her,
But she doesn't want to see me,
Cold as can be, i feel her blade touch my throat,
So I i crush her blade, as my strength is stronger,
But i Hurt the one i care for,
So Know i abandoned my loved one,
Leave Her to Be.

ok it's got lots of grammatic mistakes, for example when you are writing in first person it was supposed to be capital 'I' and don't do capital 'S' when you are writing she.

INTRODUCTION
Hey New member! *gives a big welcoming smile* Having fun at YWS?
So, I hope you know about the 2:1 ratio; give 2 reviews for every piece you post. That way everything runs smoothly.

I'm LivingInFantasy, and I'll be your reviewer today. As you can see, I've labeled every stage in my review (and I don't normally do that) so it can be organized and easy to read and decipher.

Now, if I sound harsh and say something negative, don't feel bad. It's criticism, and I hope you can handle it. Part of being a writer is being able to take the crap people throw at you and the crits they give you and being able to tie it into your story without messing up the mood and meaning.

So, let's get started!

NITPICKS
This thing is crawling with grammatical errors. And there are some awkward wordings and phrases. You capitalized words that didn't need to be capitalized, and you didn't capitalize words that needed to be capitalized. Shall I point them out? (comments in bold):

jminimo wrote:She Walks Past Me Everyday,
The Smell Of Her Perfume Never seems to go,
BAM! Right in the beginning! No other word besides "The" in this sentence needs to be capitalized! This is something we all learn as 5 year olds- The only words that are capitalized in a sentence are proper nouns, the pronoun "I" and the word at the beginning of a sentence. You can even capitalize each line your poem, but only the first word of each line. Isn't This Type of writing That you are doing Annoying?
And I have two words for you: Attention Grabber! First lines/first impressions mean a lot, so choose the openings of your poem(s) wisely.
And end these lines with a period.
Some day i hope to be the bottle she uses,
"Someday" is one word! Capitalize the "I", please for the love of all that is good!
the bottle of her dreams, She'll use whats inside me all the time,
"...she'll...". And this is awkward. Maybe I just don't get it, but I would try something else.
I'll Sing High And Saor Low,
I'll sing high and soar low, and this is awkward as well. Remove this line completely... it's confusing and unnecessary. Unless you can clarify it and make it fit, then go ahead and keep it.
In Class' My eyes dragg across to her,
"...class, my eyes drag..." Drag? Why drag? Do your eyes pop out of your head and just drag onto the carpet or tile, and then by the time it gets to her it's all covered in dirt and other nasty stuff? A better word please.
Im a coward, of some sort,
"I'm". and remove that comma after 'coward'.
Who Is She,
"Who is she?"
She's the goddess of them all,
Semi-colon ( ; ) instead of that comma
Everyone seems to know her name,
End this sentence with a period.
But where from different worlds,
"where" should be "we're"
Im into books,
No comma and "I'm".
And she's into blades,
Blades?? Is this some cutter? Elaborate on that.
But she is the same sort of me,
Huh? I didn't get this line at all.
Where the same kind On different worlds,
"we're" instead of "Where"
Our souls cannot be,
Why does my world Huant be me,
"haunt" instead of "Huant". Also, end this with a question mark.
Why can't it let me go,
I try escape to see her,
But she doesn't want to see me,
Period at the end of this line.
Cold as can be, i feel her blade touch my throat,
Capitalize the "I"!
So I i crush her blade, as my strength is stronger,
"I"!
But i Hurt the one i care for,
"I" "I"!!
So Know i abandoned my loved one,
"I"!
Leave Her to Be.
Confusing and anticlimatic ending. Throw it away.

OVERALL
No, don't get mad at me, but this isn't very good. At all. This is my opinion, and I always state my true opinion. This is too riddled with odd phrases, bad puncuation, no originality, and no ending.
This needs some serious polishing, my friend.

TIPS
Before you post something, read it aloud! If it sounds strange, just keep it out or try fixing it.

Practice your puncuation! Too many commas! Periods, commas, semi-colons, etc. they are our friends! Now, I'm not saying to try and cram them all into one piece, but learn to use them correctly and effectively. Read this article about it: Poetry and Puncuation.

Try some originality. Step outside of the box. Go outside and try writing about stuff you haven't written about before. That'll probably help in making me say "OOOO!" or "AHHHH!".

Read some other poetry on this site and by famous poets/authors.

Please take my advice and read that article. It helps; I promise!

CLOSURE
Now, I wasn't able to really critique on the content because I was too busy trying to fix grammer and those odd phrases. So please, work on this.

It's a diamond in the rough.

~LIF

P.S This took me forever! If you any questions, you can PM me! I'm sure I've made some mistakes or typos somwhere in there!

Hey, I'd like to remind you that everyone should write two reviews by posting their own work. Also...it's not very humble to say that your poem is good in your topic description, that's for us to judge.
First thing, use spell-check. There are a lot of typo's and spelling errors in here, too many for me to point out. Also, you capitalised some words randomly, which was off-putting. This all makes it difficult to read. Apart from that, there's some good description here. Just make sure you spell-check because otherwise, people will find it difficult to critique the actual content of your work.

okayy, so i'm a grammar freak.
yeah i am...so... her we go...

i have a problem with your CAPITALIZATION!
---
She Walks Past Me Everyday,

The Smell Of Her Perfume Never seems to go, [to go where?...AWAY would have been nice?]
Some day i hope to be the bottle she uses,

the bottle of her dreams, She'll use whats inside me all the time, [apostrophe please: WHAT'S]

I'll Sing High And Saor Low,

In Class' My eyes dragg across to her, [drag]

Im a coward, of some sort, [i'm]

Who Is She, [where is your question mark?]

She's the goddess of them all,

Everyone seems to know her name,

But where from different worlds, [we are or you could have used we're]

Im into books, [i'm]

And she's into blades,

But she is the same sort of me,

Where the same kind On different worlds, [IN different worlds!!!]

Our souls cannot be, [be what?]

Why does my world Huant be me, [haunt]

Why can't it let me go,

I try escape to see her,

But she doesn't want to see me,

Cold as can be, i feel her blade touch my throat,

So I i crush her blade, as my strength is stronger,

But i Hurt the one i care for,

So Know i abandoned my loved one,

Leave Her to Be.




---

oh crap.
i kinda liked this whole thing you got here, but the errors....OMG...the errors... *tears*

Yeah Jordan you have so many grammar mistakes I wonder why you're top set school