I Have a Secret

I Have a Secret

I have a secret:
A song to sing.
A poem to read.
It’s a formidable thing.

Do you dare enter my domain?
My mind of all minds,
The secret of all secrets?
Can I trust you with it?
Can I trust you with my secret?

I want to tell you—
I need to tell you.
Can you trust me?
I can’t.

Come closer. Feel my breath
upon your neck.
Feel the way it tingles.
Feel the way the hair stands
erect.
It means I am here.

I have a secret:
A song to sing.
A poem to read.
My death was a formidable thing.

Can I tell you my secret yet?

[quote="BigBadBear"][b]I Have a Secret[/b]

I have a secret:
A song to sing.
A poem to read.
It’s a formidable thing.

Do you dare enter my domain?
My mind of all minds,
The secret of all secrets?
Can I trust you with it?
Can I trust you with my secret?

I want to tell you—
I need to tell you.
Can you trust me?
I can’t.

Come closer. Feel my breath
upon your neck.
Feel the way it tingles.
Feel the way the hair stands
erect.
It means I am here.>>OOH THIS MADE ME TINGLE LOL

I have a secret:
A song to sing.
A poem to read.
My death was a formidable thing.>>>I LOVE THIS PARAGRAPH!!!

Can I tell you my secret yet?[/quote]>>>>IT WAS AN OK ENDING COULD HAVE ENDED BETTER.


Hey Jared!!! i personaly liked this poem but I was angry how you ened it I wanna know the secret darn it!!!


your friend as always
-Max

Hi there Jared!

Hmm. I think, first of all, that the poem hasn't quite done its job in creeping me out...I'm guessing that's the effect you were going for, but I don't see it right now. I think being vague and question-y is a poor shortcut to achieving that mood.

Imagery. It's a fantastic way to make your poem come to life! Specific, concrete images help the reader understand what's going on, help him feel like he's a part of what's going on, rather than listening to, say, a lecture about something really boring.

Come closer. Feel my breath
upon your neck.
Feel the way it tingles.
Feel the way the hair stands
erect.
It means I am here.

This looks to me like the only place where you really tried to describe something, but unfortunately it's vague. Cookie-cutter horror movie stuff, you know? Breath on neck, hair standing up, yada yada. This must either be done in a more...interesting...way or about something else altogether.
It's also written as a command; that only really works in certain places and this isn't one of them.

Diction. Using strong words also helps. Most of your words here are "boring" words...that isn't to say that you should get out your thesaurus to write a poem, but using the right word at the right time is a wonderful thing.

It’s a formidable thing.

Also. When I read this, I went, "Huh? Formidable? Where did that come from?" That sounds like it came out of a thesaurus. What makes the secret, whatever it is, formidable? How about this: instead of telling us the secret is formidable, show us.

Questions and being deliberately vague. No-no. To both. We go the entire poem with very few hints as to what the secret is--and while that might not be important, I don't see the poem going anywhere else. What should we know when we walk away from this poem? What do you want your reader to think about during and after reading the piece?
I would also advise against the question at the end...this rarely works to anybody's advantage.

Good luck!
-Colleen

I have to say this is a really well written poem.
I dont understand how this verse or phrase, what ever u want to call it, connects with the rest of the poem and the 'secret' that is often talked about.
Come closer. Feel my breath
upon your neck.
Feel the way it tingles.
Feel the way the hair stands
erect.
It means I am here.


I loved the way it ended, making the reader want to know more. Good job

Absolutely haunting...
I love the strong male image I get from this poem, its very intense.

"Do you dare enter my domain?

My mind of all minds,

The secret of all secrets?"

These lines are my favorites, it makes the teller seem arrogant and aggressive, it attracts me to them makes me want to know what there secret is, even though in knowing there is a feeling of danger.
The ending line was good but not great, the rest of the poem out shines it...I expect more form my secret holder.

you have a great way with words. you know how to make them flow and work together to create both strong and powerful imagery and emotion. it was very haunting and "creepy" (in a good way)i really liked the little hint of rhyming and the way you built up the suspense. i am mad that you didnt tell the secret but at the same time glad that you didnt. it keeps the reader interested. and by reveiling it, it would have just made the poem drop. this way you can keep that certain mysterious feeling with the reader. great job!!!

Hi, Jared!

I'm sure you want me and everyone else to be honest, so I just have to say this wasn't the most amazing poem ever. Personally, I prefer your fiction. I, however, have to praise you for the unexpected ending; without the surprise this poem wouldn't be even half of what it is now.

At first, I didn't feel the "danger" unlike I was maybe supposed to. Did you mean the scared feeling to come from the very start? If so, at least I didn't get it. But maybe it's just me.

Also, the first stanza reminded me of "I Have a Dream", a song by ABBA, which had been playing on my mind only seconds before I read your poem. (Freaky?) So yeah, that kind of disturbed me in the beginning. (If you haven't heard it, the first lines are "I have a dream / A song to sing".)

It’s a formidable thing.

I feel like this is too a long line to fit in the poem; it breaks the flow.


Hmm. I think you could make this a great one, just maybe describe more. And like Cade said, show, don't tell.

(I don't know what's the thing I have with starting sentences with "and" and "but".)

But definitely write more poems, after all it's refreshing to read something different from you. No offense by any means!

Anyway, see you!


Demeter xxx

Vampires am I correct? Haha. You've caught my attention! Though to be dreadfully honest it doesn't fit as a creepy poem. (It could just be me, I'm really hard to scare)
None the less, this is well written, though I do think you could of added more of a 'storyline' for the poem to follow....Expand it a bit. What i mean is widen the variety of verses....Instead of reapting them. Think of it as though it were a song, imagine hearing it now.....Leting the words flowing....They almost cluster together. So adding a little more in between the reapted verses/lines gives the poem better flow.
Keep up the good work, just try not to limit yourself on how much you write.