A memory

A memory

Footsteps dragging,
The feeling of comfort waning as I get further away.
The quick flickers of the past slow.
The memories fading…

A pair of rough stone gates,
Grand, but not daunting.
The gatehouse friendly, though deserted.
The building lies ahead, bathing in sunlight.

An ornate ceiling if you’d care to look up,
Patterns and swirls.
The eagle without its head.
Wide windows, light beaming through.

Straight, thick greying hair.
Smiling face,
Welcoming home.
The large glasses framing her kindly eyes.
Standing, tall, by the window,
The sun streams across her face.
She takes my hand and leads me,
Like a child.

The desks with signatures scrawled in indistinguishable patterns,
Etched into the wood.

The rustling of trees by the lake,
As leaves dance in the wind.
Little children, rejoicing in the summer day,
Their little shrieks and laughs,
Mingling with birds’ song,
Tumbling from the sky.

Hello!

This is a fantastic piece. Really, I loved the atmosphere, your description and understand of memories, the images that your poetry sparked in my imagination. It reminds me of those old English houses set in the countryside where terrible crimes and mysteries happen. Not that any of this was a crime because it seemed to be echoing a good, nostalgic memory. Anyway- if I just gave you a pat on the back that wouldn't help you grow much as a writer.

So here's what I would fix:

Firstly, you border on telling too much. In my opinion, less is more. Don't be afraid to use two words to describe something instead of ten. It leaves the reader more free and the piece more open to interpretation. If the poem told us everything it wouldn't really be a poem- more of a pretty list of events with nice words.

I would cut this into:

A pair of rough stone gates,

Grand, but not daunting.

The gatehouse friendly, though deserted.

The building lies ahead, bathing in sunlight.

A pair of rough stone gates,

The deserted gatehouse greeting me.

The building lies ahead.


I understand the possibility of getting rid of 'sunlight' is seems pretty extreme. But there is a saying in the writing world called 'Murder your darlings'. It basically means you have to be careful in distinguishing between what you personally love with what is best for the poem. I think it's great as it is without the 'bathed in sunlight' bit.

Straight, thick greying hair.

Smiling face,

Welcoming home.

I loved this bit! The way you jumped from looking at the ceiling effortlessly to outlining this figure. I really liked it.

The image of the carved wood on the desk is great as well.

The poem starts and ends well. I loved it. Well done.

Love,

Eimear

What I love most about this poem, is the way I am invited into the narrator's thoughts. I don't know how to put it into words. BAH!

Evaeva wrote:A memory

Footsteps dragging,

Your opening like seemed a little weak, to me. The second line is stronger, perhaps they could be swapped around. It would still make perfect sense.

The memories fading...

This is a really lovely line - I don't often find ellipsis being used to such good effect.

Grand, but not daunting.

This is what I meant above. You let us into the narrator's perceptions..Lovely.

bathing in sunlight.

This is a bit of a cliché, play around with this line. You are not hampered by rhyming structure so go nuts.

The desks with signatures scrawled in undistinguishable patterns,

It is not undistinguishable - it is Indistinguishable...
This line was a little bit hard on the eyes, but this reflects the "indistinguishable patterns" very well.

All in all, I love this poem. It was practically flawless - well. For me at least.

Gold star for you my love!

Love
Kris

Hm, I liked this although I couldn't quite grasp what the story was majorly about, so it didn't create much of an impact upon me. But this is probably because of my own stupidity so dont worry too much.

My favourite lines, which just made me go o.O was; "Mingling with birds’ song, Tumbling from the sky. I loved how you used the sky and motion in this and it gave the poem a real nice touch to it, for some reason. Good work.

Happy writing!

hi, this is a very intresting and fantastic piece of literary writing and i can't help but say it is wonderful. i am particularly intrested in the way you wrote the poem. it was generally fantastic.

the structure, which we know is an important part of the poem was also well treated.

i will like to introduce myself to you. i am a nigerian probably the only one on this site for now, i write stories and poems, having posted just three materials.

thanks