black heart, dark shadows (re-write from original)

Black Hearts, Dark Shadows

At every corner evil lurks.
A shiver makes all hairs on end.
No longer strong,
temptation smirks.
Tongue of mortar so courage pretends.

Walls dance with angry shadows.
Eyes swim like blackend seas.
Heart beats echo through barren meadows,
Words slur like unfitting keys.

Walking through the darkest maze,
Loved ones shift like silhouettes.
Mind in an unsettled craze,
Silence sounds of haunting minuets.

Firstly, this is really really good! I do think i read your last one and this is so so good!!
Theres a few points i would still like to make...
1) In the second stanza, i think you mean blackened not backened? Forgive me if im wrong though!
2) i also think you need a comma in the second stanza where it says...
'Heart beats echo through barren meadows

Words slur like unfitting keys.' After the word meadows. Just to keep the pace regular and break it down a little

this poem is really really good! The fact that there was hardly anything to pick out, shows that it is so succesful and you obviously took a lot of care writing it!
Well done!
i gave you a star by the way

thanks for pointing that out (blackened). you were right.

thanx!

heya!
I really like this poem. I read your first draft of it (or whichever the other one was) but I definitely think this is better.
There is more meaning to each line because they are not limited by the two word line thing. It also makes it easier to read.

One thing I wasn't sure about was your very last line. It seemed a bit long and I was wondering if it would sound better with something a bit shorter, to end more sharply. You could try, but if you don't like it and think that line sounds right then dont worry.

Well done
Alice
xxx