Departing

Your organs are going weaker as your body awaits its final peril.
So young you didn’t stand a chance.
Your body is being lowerd into its final resting place as people gather
around dressed in dark clothes come to say
their last goodbyes and to give mourning.
Your sprit departs from its initial home.
Now you depart this world and embark on your last journey.
You reach the city in the sky
Welcome to your new home.

I like how you put 'reach the city in the sky, welcome to your new home'. What I don't like is the general execution of the big picture. I mean, it's there, and it's being taken in, but not with much flavor, if you know what I mean. It would be nice if there was more imagery (like city in the sky--that was good choice of words), and some nice adjectives. Poetry is known not as much for it's rhyme as for it's way to vividly, flowingly, and emotionally describe something. That's what puts it apart from regular writing.

The theme and the things you've used for it, like the way the person is dying, being laid to rest, and then going to heaven is good--just the way you describe it.

thething912 wrote:Your organs are going weaker as your body awaits its final peril.

Beginning the entire poem with "your" is a bit risky - I, for one, don't find it that effective or intriguing as it would be were you to begin with a strong image of some sort, or something. Also, "going weaker" sounds a bit odd - how about "growing"?

thething912 wrote:So young you didn’t stand a chance.

OK, now this just sounds like a bland statement. There's no imagery here, you're not showing me anything, you're stating a fact... the only use I find for this line is that it tells me you're talking about a child, or a baby.

thething912 wrote:Your body is being lowerd into its final resting place as people gather
around dressed in dark clothes come to say
their last goodbyes and to give mourning.

Fore one thing, you mispelt "lowered".

For another; PUNCTUATION! These three lines are in dire, dire need of some commas and full stops. Sometimes it's OK for poems to be without punctuation, but this is not the case. The entire tone of the poem is sad, as is the topic, and to emphasize this sadness, make the reader feel the same emotions you are, as the writer, you need punctuation. The lack of abiding my the rules of grammar result in the middle line of that section making no sense. To me, anyway.

And another thing - line breaks. Especially the one from the first to the second line - absolutely terrible. Though the lack of punctuation sort of makes it worse too, I guess...

thething912 wrote:Your sprit departs from its initial home.
Now you depart this world and embark on your last journey.

Spelling mistake in the first line again, it should be spirit.

Again, both these lines are mere statements. And they basically tell me the same thing, which makes it boring. Reconsider the full stops at the end of both of them - that makes them even flatter, and ruins any flow the pome might have had otherwise.

thething912 wrote:You reach the city in the sky
Welcome to your new home.

The last line is OK, the second-to-last is a bit bland again.

You're big issue (apart from grammar) is imagery. Or rather, lack thereof. You really, really need to go out and read some good poetry or descriptive texts. Pay attention to the imagery used by writers, imagery which helps people show what they mean rather than tell. If you went over this poem again, and added some imagery, I'm sure it would be much better.