Storm (revised)

Wrote this just now, had to post it before I go to sleep.


A beautiful thing happened this night—
the storm clouds moved in.
Gradually they cradled the city,
hovering over head, protecting.
The moon shown through them—
poking itself out.
A joyous glint of light,
playing peak-a-boo
with the metropolitan night.
The city noise stopped
as the first raindrop struck.
The sound of sirens drowned
in the blissful drone of rain.
Wrapped in a blanket of water
the city finally sleeps.

Hello OE!

A beautiful thing happened this night—
the storm clouds moved in.

I find it interesting you chose to say "this night" rather than "to night". I don't think you should change it or anything, I was only pointing it out. I think the dash after "night" work work better as a colon.

Slowly they cradled the city,
hovering over head, protecting.

I'm not too fond of the word "slowly" because it's an adjective that adds nothing to the actual poem for me. I also think you should find something more specific than "they". "The Black Beasts" maybe, or something that says "storm clouds" without being storm clouds. If that makes sense? It will give you more change to be poetic. I'm also not completely fond of "protecting". I think you do good to say "cradling" and if you could paint more of a mother holding a child picture, protection would be assumed, and wouldn't need to be said.

Immense [comma] black clouds enclosed the sky.

I'm not sure I like this, because it seems redundant. You said storm clouds moved i n, you said they cradled the city and now you're saying they enclosed the sky. I think if you cut this line, and moved "Immense, black clouds" to the line about cradling (although I don't really like "Immense, black clouds." Like I said above, find something more poetic) it would work a lot better for the poem. The cradling line adds something - this one doesn't.

The moon [s]shining[/s] shined through them—
peaking itself out just a little.

I like the imagery of the moon shining through, but you don't show the image enough. I just know it shines through them (Again, I don't like the vague descriptor) but what kind of moon is it? Moons can represent a lot of things. It can be the light of hope, or a sign that the day is gone, and night is here, and that can often be a symbol of evil, or even loss of hope, because there is no sun. I think you should try to make the moon mean more to the poem - why are you telling me about it, other than it's shining through, and it's beautiful? The line following ("peaking...a little") doesn't add to it either.

The city noise stopped
as the first rain drop hit the ground.

I really love the strange rhyme you have between stopped and drop - even the rhythm is there. That's why I'd really like a line break after "drop", but that could also look really weird. I would cut out "the ground" even if you don't add a line break. "The ground" doesn't add to the poem - it's assumed it hits the ground - so it's just taking up space. But at the same time, the rhythm works with it there, so I'm not entirely sure. Oh, and I think it should be "The city noises", plural. Oh! And raindrop is one word. heh.

Sirens soon drown out
by the blissful drone of steady rainfall.

I don't like this line because of the way it starts. I think that the sirens are drowning something out, but then really the sirens are drowned out by the rainfall... and that's where it is, you're missing the word "are". Sires are soon.. Cut out the word soon, and make it immediate. The word is useless there. I would almost prefer this to be:

Sirens soon drown
the drone of steady rainfall.

That might not be what you want though. You might want to rainfall to drown the sirens, in which case:

The drone of steady rainfall
drowned the sound of Sirens or something.

Additionally, I just noticed you have that part in the present tense..."drown" rather than "drowned". Your poem is in the past tense, so I would stick to it. If you leave sirens first, and want them to be drowned by the rain, it will be passive voice, you might want to mix around and play with it.

Wrapped in a blanket of water
the city finally sleeps.

I love the imagery of "a blanket of water". I don't think it's the best choice of words - but that's me being silly, I just want more pretty words, though here simplicity fits. I like it because it brings back the image of the baby. Which is the theme of your poem, and I really love it. So I'm going to start babbling about that now!

Your theme makes me happy. From my understanding, there is a bizarre link of city-child, storm-mother/parent. (Mother is an assumption, but it could be any parent.) It's strange to see those two things link because one normally sees storms being as violent and perhaps even dangerous, but here is soothes the child and puts it to sleep, perhaps suggesting that the child is comforted by anger? Because I see the storm-mother as representing anger or violence from the parent. But then, storms can also be things to wash away... It's hard for me to get a huge meaning because you leave a lot open in the poem, and though that's sometimes good, I want more here! I also think you should beef up the metaphor, if that's what you're thinking of doing. Perhaps describe the sirens as baby cries.

You should try to find a way to tell us, more, what the storm is like. I can't tell, right now, if it's violent and cruel, or kind and only a drizzle. The only sign I have of something happening are the sirens - which is chilling, all the same. You paint this beautiful, picturesque place with rain cradling a city, and then in the background there are sirens, of a police car or an ambulance. It's chilling, really.

Oh, so I really do love the poem! The more I thought about it the more I found things in it. I think it's a great first draft and that you have a lot more you could do with it. And it's all fairly easy stuff. There's just a lot of emotion you can add into it, and other words you can take out. I think you should take full advantage of the awesome metaphor/theme you have going. To me, a poem that says something more than what is on the surface is a great poem. You've done excellent with you diction and word choice - just take it one step further, and do it some more!

Best of luck editing, and if you have any questions about something I said feel free to message me. If you rewrite it, I would love to see it again, so please let me know!

hi hi!
<3

I question the passion behind this piece. Storm clouds can be beautiful, yes, but you seem so straightforward. The beautiful thing about language is that you can manipulate it! And though you do try to entail allegory "blanket of water, sleep" etc., I dont think that rain actually makes the city softer. Rather, colder.

I guess I would need to see some more intensity.

Easy!

A beautiful thing has happened this night— [colon instead]

the storm clouds moved in.

I don't much like this second line. It's very weak and elementary compared to the first one. It doesn't flow right. Read them out loud, and hopefully you'll see what I mean? Edit the second line into a more sophisticated style.

It is allowed in the grammar rules that you have a colon before a sentence. Use the colon, and it'll work well. ^^

Gradually, they cradled the city,

hovering [s]over head[/s] overhead, [s]protecting[/s].

I'm not liking protecting. It disrupts the flow if you don't continue the clause into another line. If you took out hovering overhead and wrote a clause with protecting, that's perfectly fine. Maybe continue the metaphor with a mother cradling a baby (like Suz said).

Basically, in the second line, choose one side of the comma and continue it a little further. Or completely rewrite it. *shrug*

The moon [s]shown [/s]shone/shined through them— [comma instead]

poking itself out. [dash instead]

Poking itself out. Ew? Is there a way to rephrase this? It's so general and elementary compared to what I've seen you write. Metaphors work well in instances like these. ^^ Lately, you've let a lot of generalizations enter your writing when you usually use awesome descriptions. Watch out for this. I'll elaborate later. ^^

A joyous glint of light, [no comma]

playing peak-a-boo

with the metropolitan night.

Peak: Point of a mountain range or ridge.
Peek: A quick look or glance

The sound of sirens drowned

in the blissful drone of rain.

What sirens? YOu lost me there. It sounded kind of random. If you mean the city sirens noting bad weather, I think you need to elaborate on the bad storm that's happening.

Wrapped in a blanket of water,

the city finally sleeps.

Now I'm finding that you're kind of keeping that metaphor of a sleeping child cradled in it's mother's arms. Good-good. ^^

Overall

I've seen better. ^^

Most of your lines were short and general and not as descriptive as your other writing. What kind of weather? Use the senses to describe the rain, thunder, lightning maybe? Winds or flooded streets. Basically, try to replace pronouns with more.. descriptions. Nouns. Words that will affect the poem. There are plenty of spots to look at in this case, so go back and read through it. Make adjustments to make it more descriptive, so the reader can picture it more.

I hope I helped some. ^^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

OverEasy wrote:Wrote this just now, had to post it before I go to sleep.


A beautiful thing happened this night—
the storm clouds moved in.
Gradually they cradled the city,
hovering over head, protecting.
The moon shown through them—
poking itself out.
A joyous glint of light,
playing peak-a-boo
with the metropolitan night.
The city noise stopped
as the first raindrop struck.
The sound of sirens drowned
in the blissful drone of rain.
Wrapped in a blanket of water
the city finally sleeps.

You get bonus points for writing something that isn't an emo poem. Congratulations.

Poetry is difficult, simply because you have to really worry about the word choice. If the words aren't right on, then the poem will not be good. There is a lot of good imagery here and with a few changes in words it will be right on.

A beautiful thing happened this night-

I suggest replacing "this night" with "tonight. Not many people say "this night." Since this is narrative, you'll want it to sound like anyone could be saying this. In general, you want to describe the most complicated of themes with the simplest words possible.

Gradually they cradled the city,
hovering over head, protecting.

This line seems awkward. It's almost like your having trouble expressing the nuances of the storm. This is an area to work on.

The moon shown through them—
poking itself out.

Instead of them, replace it with "the clouds." It will add make it a little clearer.

I hope this helps a little.

I loved the poem at the beginning, but from then it went slightly downhill. Not all the way down the hill, you know, and the hill has a very shallow gradient, but it still...got a little closer to sea level than I'd like it to be.

A beautiful thing happened this night—
the storm clouds moved in.

I love this beginning. I agree with Grif - I'd switch it to "tonight". I think "this night" sounds too...archaic, perhaps, or at least out-of-place. Somewhere other than here, maybe. But here I think the beauty of these lines lies in their simplicity, and "this night" is much more distracting than "tonight".
I disagree with Jabber. I think the second line is wonderful. I love the rhythm of it, the semi-sudden stop, the feeling of it, everything! This is a fantastic opening sentence. Make the rest of the poem as good and I'll pretty much slobber on it.

Gradually they cradled the city,
hovering over head, protecting.

"Gradually" is just really unnecessary...it's not adding to my understanding of the poem by being there. And in fact, I'm not really a huge fan of the rest of the sentence, either. I really just love this:
They cradled the city.
You could easily cut the rest. Obviously they're hovering overhead, they're clouds, and the word "cradled" connotes a sort of protective feeling, so the word "protecting" is nearly redundant, and it's telling rather than showing.

The moon shown through them—
poking itself out.
A joyous glint of light,
playing peak-a-boo
with the metropolitan night.

This is probably my least favorite part. I sort of don't care? Here's where I feel it's gotten too descriptive...it's like, yeah, we get it by now. I'd like for the poem to start going somewhere by this point, and this much description--and the description following these lines--is just too much, like when you smother your pancakes with syrup. A bit of syrup is really fine, but when your pancakes are practically floating and getting really soggy, breakfast is no longer appetizing. Yes. I make lots of food analogies.

The city noise stopped
as the first raindrop struck.
The sound of sirens drowned
in the blissful drone of rain.

"The city noise" is sort of a generic, vague line, and I don't care for it much. I'd also like for this to be a little more active...perhaps:
The first raindrop
silenced the city noise.
Or, perhaps, if we want to eliminate the annoying phrase "city noise":
The first raindrop
silenced the sirens and the hum of voices
and the sound of windows slamming shut.
Or anything along those lines, really, I'd just like to see you replace "city noise" with some unique substitutes, whatever you like--what does a city sound like to you personally? Bring more of your personal experience into this; it makes the poem much more interesting if the reader is forced to look at things through somebody else's glasses.

Wrapped in a blanket of water
the city finally sleeps.

I don't care for this either. I don't think it's doing much by being there other than taking up space, and it's too much like an obvious contradiction to the phrase "the city that never sleeps", whether you're describing New York or not.

-Colleen

I love how you made the city sound like a baby! Hehe, that's a nice, original concept, and I quite enjoyed it. It's so hard to critique something after so many other people have offered their in-depth insight *sigh*. Well...I love your extended metaphor in this piece. There are some spelling mistakes - shone, not shown, peek, not peak. Let me know if there's anything else you want looking at, and I'll try to get there before anyone else does.