No title yet haha :)

before you read this, its like one of those books that each chapter is from a different persons point of view..there will be more..eventually haha.

Kelly:
Nate Wellington was a bad-boy.
He was one of those guys that you see pressing a new girl,
against a different locker,
shoving his tongue as far as he could down her throat,
at least three times a week.

He was trouble; pot smoking, class-ditching, sex having kind-of trouble
and although most of the girls in my grade fall for him as soon as their names left his lips,
I avoided him at all costs.

Rachel:
It was the beginning of my sophomore year in high school and I planned to work as hard as I could to make this school year go by as painless as possible. I decided to start the year off with a vow with my best friend Jess not to let a guy get in the way.
As Nate approached me, I couldn’t help but forget about the vow, the time on the clock, and even what my name was. While all of my classmates filed into our Literature classroom I stayed behind mesmerized, all I could think about was how amazing his blue eyes looked; as thought I fell into a pond so blue and so deep that once you get pulled into it you never return. And how his scruffy brown hair looked as he flipped it out of his eyes and stared into mine.
All at once I jumped back to reality as his hand fell gently against my shoulder and my name left his lips.
“Rachel, right?” He asked.
“Yeah, that’s me,” I said in a tone a little more sure of myself than I felt.
“Oh, well your really fucking hott and I just wanted to do this” was all I heard before our mouths were pressed together and he pushed his muscular body up against me. It felt as though our tongues were on fire and we couldn’t put the flame out. His Hollister scent engulfed my senses and everything else seemed to disappear.

Nate:
Damn, Rachel isn’t as good of a kisser as I expected her to be. I have more than a thing or two to teach her.
I don’t even know why I decided to kiss Rachel, or any of those other girls for that matter, I mean, common, they mean absolutely nothing to me. Mrs. Evan’s, my bitch psychologist, doesn’t even fucking know, and she’s supposed to know everything (at least that’s what I’m told). That’s why my parents pay her basically $100 an hour. What for I couldn’t tell you. All she says is;
“And how does that make you feel?” over and over again. What I want to tell her sometimes is;
“IF I KNEW HOW I FELT I WOULDN’T BE HERE, NOW WOULD I?” but obviously that’s not acceptable. Not unless I want to be living on the streets. My parents wouldn’t exactly go for the idea of me back-talking someone with such a high, public importance. If it were up to me I wouldn’t even know this psyco lady who thinks she knows all this shit about me. In reality, she knows just as much about me as those people that I call my parents.


Kelly:“Ew, what a skanky hoe-bag! Does she know what a player he is?” My best friend Casey grumbled, “Or is she just oblivious?” She grabbed my shoulder, turning me around, just in time to see Nate with his tongue down some sophomore cheerleaders throat.
“That really is none of our business,” I told her, rolling my eyes. Did she really have to be that nosy? If Nate Wellington wanted to fool around with every girl in our school I wouldn’t even glance his way. Okay maybe that’s not true, he is cute, but that certainly is all he has going for him.

Hey Smiley (calling you that, like it or not) and welcome to YWS!

We have a rule that's a 2:1 review:piece ratio. I saw you had posted in some other stuff. A review doesn't count as a review if it's too short, so put a bit of thought in. Three hundred words or so isn't difficult to manage and takes about five minutes. But the longer your review, the more points you get

Okay, so, this is how it works. Nitpicks first.

I. NITPICKS

As Nate approached me, I couldn’t help but forget about the vow,

This is the very first day of the year? Then make sure you point that out.

“Oh, well your really fucking hott and I just wanted to do this” was all I heard before our mouths were pressed together and he pushed his muscular body up against me. It felt as though our tongues were on fire and we couldn’t put the flame out. His Hollister scent engulfed my senses and everything else seemed to disappear.

Oh, well, you're really effing hot and I just wanted to do this," was all I head (you can swear, but I don't.)

Okay, seriously, does this happen? No flirting, no, well, anything before hand?

for that matter, I mean, common, they mean absolutely nothing to me.

full stop after matter. And what's "common" doing in there?

“Or is she just oblivious?”

Oblivious to what?

Okay maybe that’s not true, he is cute, but that certainly is all he has going for him.

Let's not be too obvious shall we?

Okay....

II. CHARACTERS

Kelly: started off well, but I didn't much like that ending. She doesn't like Nate. Have her grumbling to Casey about him, to show that.

Rachel: had absolutely no character at all to her. No backbone either. Expaaaaand! Do it. Do it now.

Nate: I found a bit stereotypical. Misunderstood youth uses girls as an outlet for his pain?

III. REALITY CHECK

I've never seen a guy do this. It doesn't happen. Also, if he's such a player, why do they all go for him? Us girls aren't all idiots, we do have some choice in who we kiss, etc. Don't fill your school up with Maltesers. Everybody has some sense.

IV. OVERALL

I wasn't dying about it. It's just not my scene, I guess. I reckon you need to go back and look at your characters, look at your story and see a), how to make it more realistic and b), how to make people relate to your characters.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

Stella.

Kelly:
Nate Wellington was a bad-boy (bad boy). He was one of those guys that you see pressing a new girl, against a different locker, shoving his tongue as far as he could down her throat, at least three times a week. He was trouble; pot smoking, class-ditching, sex having kind-of trouble and although most of the girls in my grade fall (fell) for him as soon as their names left his lips, I avoided him at all costs.

Rachel:
It was the beginning of my sophomore year in high school and I planned to work as hard as I could to make this school year go by as painless (painlessly) as possible. I decided to start the year off with a vow with my best friend Jess not to let a guy get in the way. (My best friend, Jess, and I decided to start the year with a vow not to let a guy get in the way.) As Nate approached me, I couldn’t help but forget about the vow, the time on the clock, and even what my name was. While all of my classmates filed into our Literature classroom I stayed behind mesmerized, (mesmerised. All) all I could think about was how amazing his blue eyes looked; as thought (though) I fell into a pond so blue and so deep that once you get pulled into it you never return. And (I always got taught never to start a sentence with “and“) how his scruffy brown hair looked as he flipped it out of his eyes and stared into mine.
All at once I jumped back to reality as his hand fell gently against my shoulder and my name left his lips.
“Rachel, right?” He asked. (a little more detail may be nice, perhaps foreshadow whats about to happen…) “Yeah, that’s me,” I said in a tone a little more sure of myself than I felt.
“Oh, well your really fucking hott and I just wanted to do this” was all I heard before our mouths were pressed together and he pushed his muscular body up against me. It felt as though our tongues were on fire and we couldn’t put the flame out. His Hollister scent engulfed my senses and everything else seemed to disappear.

Nate:
Damn, Rachel isn’t as good of a kisser as I expected her to be. I have more than a thing or two to teach her.
I don’t even know why I decided to kiss Rachel, or any of those other girls for that matter, (.) I mean, common (come on), they mean absolutely nothing to me. Mrs. Evan’s, my bitch psychologist, doesn’t even fucking know, and she’s supposed to know everything (at least that’s what I’m told). That’s why my parents pay her basically $100 an hour. What for I couldn’t tell you. All she says is; “And how does that make you feel?” over and over again. What I want to tell her sometimes is; “IF I KNEW HOW I FELT I WOULDN’T BE HERE, NOW WOULD I?” but obviously that’s not acceptable. Not unless I want to be living on the streets. My parents wouldn’t exactly go for the idea of me back-talking (talking back to - back-talking is colloquial, almost slang)someone with such a high, public importance. If it were up to me I wouldn’t even know this psyco (psycho) lady who thinks she knows all this shit about me. In reality, she knows just as much about me as those people that I call my parents.

Kelly:
“Ew, what a skanky hoe-bag! Does she know what a player he is?” My best friend Casey grumbled, “Or is she just oblivious?” She grabbed my shoulder, turning me around, just in time to see Nate with his tongue down some sophomore cheerleaders throat. (Try and think of another way to describe the kiss other than the stereotypical phrase of “tongues down throats”)
“That really is none of our business,” I told her, rolling my eyes. Did she really have to be that nosy? If Nate Wellington wanted to fool around with every girl in our school I wouldn’t even glance his way. Okay maybe that’s not true, he is cute, but that certainly is all he has going for him.

Hey! I went out for a while and took my laptop with me after putting this in a word document so I could spend some time on it while I was out so sorry about my suggestions being in brackets and underlined…hope you don’t mind!

I liked the idea of this piece, and I think you could go a lot lot further with it. Although I like the subtlety of Kelly and Casey watching Rachel being kissed by Nate after already having had Rachel’s perspective of the kiss told, I think it needs to be hinted at a little more in these last two paragraphs. I’ve also sorted the stuff into paragraphs as I couldn’t read it the way it was…just personal preference I suppose! I do however, agree with Stella's idea of it not being particularly realistic but with some tweaks here and there it could be!

If you want to discuss anything further with me feel free to PM me and I’ll be only to happy to help!

Olivia
xxx

i really like the idea of the different perspectives. I'm actually working on something that does that too. I liked how we saw Racheal's view on the kiss vs. Nate's.

only thing is, no matter how cute a guy is, i don't think any girl would be ok with some random guy who barely knows her name just kissinger her out of the blue like that. Make him flirt with her in a really cocky way first. It would be more realistic, intsead of her kissing back. If that happened in real life, i would imagine he would get a decent slap in his womanizing face.

the characters do seem a bit cliche. Like we've seen these characters before (just look at that show... whats it called... um secret life of the american teenager? yeah. I don't know if you've seen it, but the first episode seemed just like this)

i did really like the beginning, especially the spacing. Did you do that on purpose? it looks cool.

and I do see a clear difference between the character's voices so good job on that too, but i would just try to make it a little more origional.

welcome to YWS, pm me with any questions!

-kailamarie

Summer-
I'm gonna call you that 'cause I don't know your name.
Anyway, I read this and it seemed a little to fast for me. The characters seemed to have no depth within them and the tension was too much for me. Maybe have Nate date Rachel first, be friends, flirt and then have them kiss.
I really like Kelley's POV. It's so free verse, which I like.
Is there going to be more, is this a chapter story? Or is this the prologue/preface of a story? I like to read more, when you post more up.
Otherwise is was okay, it just needs a little revision and editing.
-Merry

First, I felt that the story was very unrealistic.

Nate Wellington was a bad-boy.
He was one of those guys that you see pressing a new girl,
against a different locker,
shoving his tongue as far as he could down her throat,
at least three times a week.

First off this is basically just one big runn-on sentence. ALso It is very unclear. I had to reread it several times before I understood what you were trying to say. try changing it up a little like

he's the kind of guy that you see making out with a different girl everday of the week

I also think that it needs much more discription. Discribe what the character looks like, and actually get the reader attached to him be giveing some examples of past experiences.

While all of my classmates filed into our Literature classroom I stayed behind mesmerized, all I could think about was how amazing his blue eyes looked; as thought I fell into a pond so blue and so deep that once you get pulled into it you never return. And how his scruffy brown hair looked as he flipped it out of his eyes and stared into mine.

this is the type of description that should have been in the Nate catagory. Very Good description, wrong catagory.

I don’t even know why I decided to kiss Rachel, or any of those other girls for that matter, I mean, common, they mean absolutely nothing to me

common should be come on. Also you are making it run together in one big sentenc and it is very hard to read. Break it up some. I would put a period after girls for that matter in stead of a comma.

Mrs. Evan’s, my bitch psychologist, doesn’t even fucking know, and she’s supposed to know everything (at least that’s what I’m told).

first, no appostrofy in Evans. Also, what doen't she know this know paragraph is very confusing. It jumps from Racheal to his psychologist before the reader knows what your talking about.

What I want to tell her sometimes is;
“IF I KNEW HOW I FELT I WOULDN’T BE HERE, NOW WOULD I?” but obviously that’s not acceptable. Not unless I want to be living on the streets. My parents wouldn’t exactly go for the idea of me back-talking someone with such a high, public importance. If it were up to me I wouldn’t even know this psyco lady who thinks she knows all this shit about me. In reality, she knows just as much about me as those people that I call my parents.

This all sound like the ranting of a teenager, and I suppose in the story it is. But It doesn't add to the plot and doesn't add anything to the story except confusion.

I think this is a good idea of a story but needs some major editing. You also need to expand a little on your ideas. there were several places in it where I saw where you could have thrown in a twist. But there are so many things thrown into the story that don't add anything to the story.

The story has potential, try to think about it a little. don't write it down in story form right away. brainstorm, and write down all your ideas on paper or in list format on the computer. Then once you have some ideas start thinking of ways to put it all together, and as you write more ideas will come to you.

Hi, welcome to YWS. As Stella said, we have a 2 to 1 ratio around here. To make things easier, I'd review a lot before you post more. If you aren't sure what to review or need help with one, contact me and I'll gladly help.

Nate reminds me of Ricky in "The Secret Life of an American Teenager", minus the whole band-camp thing.

Since everyone covered everything, I'm just going to suggest a few things.

Before you work on the descriptions, try joining Snoink's Character Development group if you haven't already. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewgroup.php?f=93 Descriptions are easier to work on if you know your character inside and out because you'll know a lot more about them.

Since people were talking about your plot, join Black Ghost's Elements of Plot group (http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewgroup.php?f=106) The group should help with finding a plot twist and making the plot better overall.

Those groups are merely suggestions but I do think that they'll help a lot. I have problems with plot and characters too and so do a lot of people.

PM me for anything at all.

-alwaysawriter

An interesting beginning, but I'd advise you to flesh out the characters a bit...


Still i like the way you flit from on persons point of view to the next

I can see three different ways of how the stories is going to unfold so my advice to you is:

surprise the readers

(as in if Kelly is going to fall for Nate, do so in a surprising way or have an interesting plot ready)

I wonder is this story made from real people or is it just pure imagination (pretty awesome if it is )

well good luck and keep writing

I liked it and please keep going.