Hey, a script! Not what you were expecting in the Scripts section, were ya? So, crit away. I think it's extremely unlikely you'll find nothing wrong with it. I'd prefer it if you did a line-by-line crit (sorry, I don't know the proper term, but I hope you'll get the idea from that). It may be hard to understand in some places, so just whack me round the head if you see anything like that. The least thing I want is you to misunderstand it.
Introduction
[spoiler]FADES IN
INT. PLAIN WHITE ROOM
There is a black grand piano at the centre of the room, with FATE playing it. Having pure white hair, flowing down to his shoulders and angelic wings sprouting out of his back, FATE looks like an angel. He is dressed in a black suit and tie. He smiles to himself as he hits the keys of the piano. The music is solemn and melancholy. BERNARD, an old man with combed back, short white hair and dressed in the typical butler’s suit, enters the room, fading through the wall as there are no doors, carrying a tray laden with a pot of tea, a small pitcher of milk and a teacup.
BERNARD
Would the master like some tea?
FATE
(Soft, calm voice)
If you would be so kind, Bernard.
FATE stops playing the piano and turns slowly to face BERNARD. BERNARD places the tray upon the piano and begins pouring the tea into a cup.
BERNARD
Milk, master?
FATE
Just a little, if you will.
BERNARD finishes pouring the tea, then adds a small amount of milk to the tea. He hands the cup to FATE, who takes it, but drinks none.
FATE
Why do you make none for yourself, Bernard?
BERNARD
I am not instructed to do so, master. I merely do what I am told to do by yourself and no other.
FATE
And I cannot release you?
BERNARD
I would think not, master. I was entrusted to you by the Creator, thus I will never leave your service until you should die or not require my services anymore.
FATE
I thank you, Bernard. I wish I could repay you somehow.
FATE begins to play the piano again, this time the notes more cheerful.
NARRATOR
Clichés have forever been a part of the world. Please pretend the above never happened. Let's go from the point where Bernard pours the milk, shall we?
BERNARD
How goes your work, master?
FATE
Very well, Bernard. I just made it so an old woman died in an accident and now I am bringing a new life into the world. A cat, actually. Quite unremarkable.
NARRATOR
Ah, much better.
FATE continues to play as BERNARD exits.[/spoiler]
Part 1
Scene 1
[spoiler]EXT. COURTYARD
The garden is full of teenage students, each dressed in white robes with a black briefcase beside them. Before them stands SARLOK, their Heroics teacher, and his assistant DARCHIN. They are both dark-skinned, whereas the students are white. In contrast to the students, they are also dressed in different clothes to them, choosing the typical, and slightly cliché, protagonist's attire of shining armour and a sword.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, in the Undergraduate University, Sarlok MMIV is teaching his class. His Heroics classes have been the talk of the town since his arrival three years ago. Though the students got bored with him after a while, he seemed to sense this and brought in his assistant, Darchin Coccyx-Breaker. He was originally named Darchi DL.
SARLOK
And that is why all Goblins should be discriminated. Any questions?
Student raises her hand.
SARLOK
Yes, the ugly one at the back?
STUDENT
My name is Eve, sir. You should know by now, you've been teaching me for two years now.
SARLOK
My apologies, then. You wanted to ask a question?
EVE
Yes. Can you-
SARLOK
Any questions that will probably be worth asking? None? Ah well, then, class dismissed.
NARRATOR
As you can see, Sarlok has barely a prick of patience in his heart.
All the students stand and walk out of the courtyard they were being taught in. EVE appears disgruntled, her face set in a scowl. One of her friends proceeds to comfort her, but she punches her in the face, whereupon the girl is left on the floor, unconscious. No one seems to notice.
NARRATOR
No children were harmed in this production. Seriously.
SARLOK
I thought that was quite a successful lesson, Darchin.
DARCHIN
Yes, master.
SARLOK
Indeed.
DARCHIN
Mm-hm.
SARLOK
Verily.
DARCHIN
Of course.
SARLOK
How true.
DARCHIN
Ah, Darchin miss old days.
SARLOK
Old days?
DARCHIN
When Darchin and Sarlok in Heroes Guild.
SARLOK
Ah, yes. The Rather Large And Tiresome War was the best.
Flashback to a large plain. DARCHIN and SARLOK sit on war horses on the crest of a hill. In the distance is an army of goblins, trolls, griffins, dragons, orcs, giants, warlocks, barbarians etc. As the flashback opens, Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden begins to play. SARLOK begins to speak, his voice changing to that of the singer in the song.
SARLOK
White man came, across the sea!
SARLOK draws his longsword and DARCHIN draws a broadsword from his back.
SARLOK
He brought us pain and misery.
They charge down the hill, meeting the massive army with only themselves and no other warriors. Despite this, they kill many of their enemies, never seeming to tire.
SARLOK
He killed our tribes, he killed our creed!
We see the enemy's leader, a massive man in typical barbaric attire, holding an entire buffalo in his hands and eating it.
SARLOK
He took our game, for his own need!
They charge at the man, landing several blows that do not seem to faze him. The man fights back with a huge battleaxe.
SARLOK
We fought him hard, we fought him well! Out on the plains...
SARLOK throws a capsule to the ground, which explodes and sets fire to the enemy leader's steed and eventually kills him by burning him to death.
SARLOK
...we gave him hell!
Just as they seem to have killed the whole army, another one advances on them from across the horizon, this time twice as large.
SARLOK
But many came, too much for cree.
We then see a few days later where both SARLOK and DARCHIN are slaves.
SARLOK
Oh, will we ever be set free?
The music stops and we return to the courtyard. SARLOK and DARCHIN are nodding vaguely and smiling wistfully.
SARLOK
We were owned, weren't we?
DARCHIN
Yes.
Their smiles go abruptly and they turn to exit the courtyard. They now walk along empty corridors, the students being in class.
DARCHIN
So, what happen after?
SARLOK
Mm?
DARCHIN
What happen after we enslaved?
SARLOK
We... um... I actually can't remember.
DARCHIN
Nor me.
SARLOK
Ah well. I think it's best we forget.
DARCHIN
You think someone ever watch us?
SARLOK
Mm?
DARCHIN
Something watch us. You ever think so?
SARLOK
Nah. But if they are...
SARLOK makes insulting hand gesture, which is coincidentally directed in our line of vision.
[/spoiler]
Scene 2
[spoiler]INT. STABLE
NARRATOR
You may realise that some of the greatest things are made in the most unlikely of places.
A family is gathered around a manger, with three other men and several farmyard animals watching the scene. The place is obviously Jesus' birth.
NARRATOR
Though this never happened, so let's go to somewhere far more interesting.
We see, swiftly, a change to the outside of the stable. In the mud is a female cat and her only young.
MOTHER CAT
Meow, meow, meow.
“Why have I give birth to only ONE offspring?” appears in subtitles.
BABY CAT
Meooow, meow.
“Who the hell calls their kitten OFFSPRING?”
MOTHER CAT
Meorf, meow.
“Get over it, I won't be a normal- hang on, how the hell can you talk at your age?”
BABY CAT
Meow, meow, meow, meoooow.
“Technically, I'm just meowing, but my words are appearing in subtitles so the humans can understand us. See?” The BABY CAT hits the “understand” in the subtitles and it falls to the ground, whereupon he picks it up and walks away.
MOTHER CAT
Meow, meow, meeeeooooow!
“Where the hell do you think you're going?”
BABY CAT
Meow.
“I have no idea. A divine being of the Uppermost Cosmos appears to be telling me to go in this direction. Something of great importance is about to occur and I will not be alone. I apologise, mother, but I must leave and never return. I bid you farewell and I'm sorry I was so hard to get out, it was quite annoying for me, too.”
MOTHER CAT
Meow, meow.
“How the hell did he say all that in one meow?”
[/spoiler]
