The House of the World

The world is a house with many windows; each one looks out at a scene you've never seen before.
Is it not a very beautiful thing?
To see all the colors of the world:
wouldn't it be a shame to only have one color!
Yes,
if the world was one color life would wither to a misty gray, full of hopeless drizzle and a knowing that you will never see anything more!

Open your doors and open your windows it is a grand place this ball we live on, don't let it roll you by!

Hey there Grant!

First off, I can see you're new to YWS, so welcome! I'm Wiggy, and though I haven't been around so much lately (which is entirely my own fault), I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, and yours is the first piece I've critiqued in ages, so thanks for helping me! lol

Now to your piece. It was a very nice statement, and so true! Colors are so beautiful, and I think they go underappreciated in the busy world around us. They're so vibrant and rich and can express so many emotions, so I don't understand why they don't get more attention than they do.

So, you have a great theme, but what have you done with that? To be honest, pretty much nothing. You made a statement; that's it. Poetry isn't just about making statements. You have to elaborate on those statements in language that captures the imagination, and that's normally done with imagery, colorful vocabulary, and certain line placements. To make this a poem, you definitely need to add some imagery in. An example would be "smiling yellow" or something like that. Use specific examples, too, for your color examples. Don't just say, "Oh, yay, colors are wonderful, and we should be happy about that!" Make me happy about that! Make me want to taste the rainbow, live in the sun, frolic in the green grass. Add some heart to your poem, and you'll definitely convey your message. Best of luck, and feel free to pm me if you have any questions!

Wiggy

This poem doesn't sit too well with me simply because it goes in so many directions. At the beginning, it talks about a house, and I assumed that this house would be the general subject or the general structure for the rest of the poem, but then it turns into more of a discussion about colours. I'd like to see the metaphor extended throughout the poem, not just brought back at the very end for the "message".

I'm not a fan of the last line because it seems like the whole poem was written for this line, and that isn't poetry but rather more like a soapbox. To avoid this, use the initial house metaphor more throughout the poem (I really love this initial image!) and go a little more in depth into the idea of colors so that by the end, we don't just hear the "point" but we realize it too.

Happy writing!