You would think that with a name like Mary Beth Robinson she’d be a little more lovable and innocent. Although, perhaps that’s the problem, that she is too innocent. Or that she thinks I’m too innocent, or that I should be a little more innocent, and how dare I be more mature—which, I’m not, apparently.
But that is superfluous. The topic of this piece is the word ‘veggies’ and its use. For example, when Dr. Robinson, a pediatrician, (oh fine, my pediatrician) uses it, the dialogue proceeds thus (verbatim).
“Do you eat enough fruits every day?”
Waits for my answer. Yes. Whether I actually do or not has nothing to do with it.
“And how ‘bout veggies.”
That is the point in our dialogue, that could be a monologue without much change to it, where I crack up (crack up, that here could mean either snicker or receive a hurtful crack in my sanity. You choose). Every year, she says it the same way. How ‘bout veggies?
Since when is the word ‘veggies’ a word?????? I ask you!
The even funnier thing is this woman—her eyes. She has the most bulbous (synonyms of bulbous: round, spherical, bulging, globular, swollen) eyes I have ever seen. They just plunge out of her sockets and pop out at you. Honestly, it looks as though any second they’re going to fall out, and the skin around her eyes just puckers to accommodate these rambunctious, over-eager eyes. I can’t tell you what color they are. I’ve never noticed.
So as she says her ingenious line (“How ‘bout veggies.”), her eyes look up innocently, waiting for your innocent answer, while you (alright, I) just sit there and try to decide between the merits of
a) reminding her, as gently as possible that, yes, I am 16 years old, and, yes, I think I can handle the use of the word vegetables.
b) bursting forth in a torrent of wild and impassioned vocabulary, letting it ooze towards her ears, popping her condescension like a bulbous bubble to further illustrate choice (a),
c) shoving the word ‘veggies’ down her throat,
d) asking her quite candidly whether there is a surgical procedure for permanent fixture of the eyes to the sockets—it might help you sleep better at night,
e) replying sweetly that, yes, I eat enough vegetables.
f) Nope. I’m a fruitarian. We believe that you murder fruit in picking it off the tree.
For all of dear Mary Beth’s education, you would think she might talk like it. How can she live with herself, passing from dismal room to cheesily-decorated stalls, asking every child (as I have no doubt she does—every single pathetic, whimpering, sick kid that walks, unsuspecting, through her door), “How ‘bout veggies?????”
The truly remarkable thing is that it doesn’t seem to be enough that she just says the primitive (coming from the word ‘primate’ as I’m sure you’ve noticed) word ‘veggies.’ She has her own unique way of saying it as well. She draws out the word, in a slur, a drawl, that only accentuates its absurdities. She doesn’t say, ‘veggies’, she says veagggaiisss, starting at the top of her scale and sliding downward, till it’s not even a question anymore.
Doctor, is something wrong with me? I have this inane obsession with the way you say ‘veggies’…
This further serves to illustrate that not only is ‘veggies’ a word that you use in a conversation with two-year-olds, not sixteen-year-olds, but that each person has their own unique way of saying it. When I say it, for example, the disdain drips from my tongue and plops onto the floor.
‘Veggies’ is not a word, much as the spell-check on Microsoft Word refuses to mark it as misspelled. It never will be a word. It should not be falling out of an educated doctor’s mouth all the time. (Here I do not exaggerate. The above dialogue takes place every year, with so little variation that I have no problem reproducing it perfectly. Right down to veagggaiisss.)
And so, to conclude, do not be fooled by names such as Mary Beth Robinson—they normally serve to mask the sinister primate within.
Or no—that wasn’t the point. Let me try that again.
And so, to conclude, the “word” veggies is substandard English that only serves to rile people (fine, me) and should not even be used with two-year-olds, as they will be led to believe that such garble is accepted, popular, even encouraged. They will grow up with this psychological disorder, and as can be seen through the example of Mary Beth Robinson, the damage is irreversible.
The correct term is vegetables.
