Waiting for you

Ok, this is the begining of a story which I absoloutly love. I thought of it one day, and have played over how it goes so many times in my head, yet this is the first time I've actually written it. I'm just warning you it might be a little rough because I haven't written anything in a while...Hope you like it!
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[i]She layed in bed slowly losing awareness, slipping into sleep. She wasn't sleeping, but she wasn't awake. She was laying in between consiousness. Her spirit floated between reality and the dreamscape of her sleeping mind. She floated far, she floated high. She landed where spirits go when they are restless, where they go when they have not found what they have been looking for.
She stood at the edge of a field. The field was large, the biggest open space she had ever seen. Around the field was a dark and forbidding forest. Haunting shadows frightened the girl and she stepped forward. In front of her was the field, glowing in the light of the shining moon. In the field were people, thousands, maybe millions of people. Some were standing or walking, some sat on logs, like they were on a camping trip. The girl wasn't sure if she had ever seen so many people in all her life.
While standing there the girl felt a strange sensation, like a warm tingle at her side. She looked in that direction and found herself staring at the back of a boy. He was thin, but muscular and had black hair. She didn't know why she picked him out, but knew she just had to keep looking at him. He meant something to her, she needed him. He needed her. As she thought that, he turned and looked at her.
He was beautiful. He had a pale face with large almost lime-green eyes. She never wanted to stop looking at him. He was perfect. The way he looked suprised when he found himself looking at her. Then she felt herself being tugged away. Someone was waking her. As she was being pulled back to the waking world she promised herself that she would see him again. And she did.

RAWR, I always do that! Don't mind the [i] I forgot to make it in italics...sorry!

Well it's rather short but I'm hooked! Can't wait to read more. Yes this piece was rough in a few places but nothing major.

I found it rather poetical as well. Kudos for you!

Alarainya-
I thought this piece was really great! Is there going to be more knowing that this is the prolouge. I have to ask...is she dying or maybe sleeping? Names would of been helpful and it's too short for my taste. Otherwise I enjoyed it!
-Merry

Alarainya,

Compliments on the start of a story I'm already hooked on! I really like the idea of how she seems to be dreaming about him. Sometimes the love-at-first-sight can be a mushy gushy mess but I think you're handling it pretty well. It seems like there's a little magic in your story, and I really hope to read more.

Okay, so there's a few things in there that make reading a little bumpy. There's a little verb confusion for the most part, so grammar is really your only issue. Your idea and content is interesting, but not completely original.

There are quite a few irrelevant phrases as well, you're saying the same thing several times. Okay, she's subconcious. We get it. You don't need to say that she's awake but not fifteen times ; )

There are a few phrases that you could word differently to make them more powerful and interesting to the reader. Also there are several cases where a different word might sound a little better and make more sense.

Such as:

QUOTE: Haunting shadows frightened the girl and she stepped forward.

It would sound better like this: Haunting shadows frightened the girl as she stepped foward.

Your sentence doesn't make sense because why would the girl go forward at the same time as 'the haunting shadows frightened her.' If she begins to walk forward and realize the haunting shadows that overcome her are frightening that makes a little more sense.

Other than that, great job! Please keep writing more of this story, it really does have an interesting plot--I can tell already. PM if you have questions about anything I made suggestions on, I'll be happy to clarify!

Peace : )

-FA

Wow, I really liked this & am hooked!! I can't think of anything for you to improve it & it slightly confuses me so I start questioning it, which is great as it's making me want to read more!!
If you could PM me when you post the follow up piece that would be great,
Lucyy xx

[i]She layed in bed slowly losing awareness, slipping into sleep. She wasn't sleeping, but she wasn't awake. She was laying in between consiousness. Her spirit floated between reality and the dreamscape of her sleeping mind. She floated far, she floated high. She landed where spirits go when they are restless, where they go when they have not found what they have been looking for.

Uh, I don’t know if it’s supposed to be in italics or anything, but whatever. Plus, “layed” isn’t really a word.

Also, mix up the sentence starters. Almost every sentence starts with “She”, and then you have the “she did this, she did that, she’s over here, she’s over there.” It’s okay to do that in moderation, but not when you’re including it in every single sentence.

Around the field was a dark and forbidding forest.

Sorry. Cliché alert. Tell how the forest is forbidding, rather than using such a countenance-related description word.

While standing there the girl felt a strange sensation, like a warm tingle at her side. She looked in that direction and found herself staring at the back of a boy.

What direction is that exactly? Which side? There’s not really any specifications on which side she look at.

Plus, what exactly do warm tingles feel like?

He was thin, but muscular and had black hair

This sounds like a fantasy novel, so you’re pretty much able to describe the heck out of everything. I’m not seeing that so far. That’s all she noticed about him? “He was thin, muscular, and black-haired”? What about the color of his skin? How tall is he? Did his shoulder blades jut out of his skin like a bird? Did he look frail? Muscle is bulk, so he must be more “lean” than “muscular”. Did he have a shirt on? How long was his hair? I’m not saying that you should answer all these questions in one big paragraph, but pick and choose which one would push the story along, which one would the girl, the main character, would notice the most.

He was beautiful. He had a pale face with large almost lime-green eyes. She never wanted to stop looking at him. He was perfect. The way he looked suprised when he found himself looking at her. Then she felt herself being tugged away. Someone was waking her. As she was being pulled back to the waking world she promised herself that she would see him again. And she did.

Okay, so you finally gave the reader a bit more. But then you switch to his point of view- “The way he looked surprised when he found himself looking at her”- and you switch back to her. The ending was intriguing. You’ve got potential in this story, I think, if you’d just further develop the MC’s voice, maybe a bit of her physical description, her personality. I think the prologue needs to be longer, too. It’s not bad, if you keep fleshing the story out.

Although there are a few parts in this that could read a little smoother, I think it's overall a very well written piece. I noticed some great imagery, and you really succeded in hooking me into your story. Also, I love how despite the shortness of the piece, you force me to think and ask question. Reading is a two way process after all.

good job! I look forward to reading the rest of it!

I really love the way that you write your story and the way you express the emotions in you character. I am really interested in what happens next.

Perhaps you could say I'm hooked along the other readers which have read your work. This story has the magic of drawing you in within each word and by the time the story has finished, one would wonder why it was too sudden.

Although there's one thing. I would not say I'm good at English or anything. There's one thing intriguing me about the first line in the lines "She layed"
Wouldn't it suit it more if it was written as "she laid" ?

Hopefully, i would finally get to read more from this piece

+Evan+

Heyy

There is parts where it could be better like when you said he was beautiful most guys are hot not beutufily or handsom and it could be improved a bit becasue like I found that it was good but a little boring like I wasn't into that much, but it was pretty good.
thanks