Dance for Love, Chapter One/ Revised

I enter the room as the familiarity of another life floods through me. I stare at the mirrored wall and the two wooden bars that wraps around the it. The wooden floor are scraped up from tap shoes, just like any other would be. This was my second home. This was where I spent my evenings from the age of three to eight-teen or at least somewhere similar to it. This is where I work now that I am twenty-three. This is a dance studio.
I might be a teacher now, but then I was a very dedicated student. When I was young I lived somewhere different every year and dancing was all I had. I got new friends everywhere but I can't tell you any of there names. I can recite every dance studio I've been to, though. Best friend? Never had one. Favorite dance studio? It was Vicki Marie's Dance Studio in Spring, Texas. In my life, friends were for never, but dance was forever. That was how I liked it.
The only year that stood out from the rest, was my senior year in highschool.
***

It was was 2003, and my mind was focused on dance more than anything else. I had dance in the morning and afternoons. I was up at five to get to the best possible dance studio in the area, for a seven o'clock class that lasted an hour and a half. Then I would drive an hour to my school. Since I'm a senior and I already have all my credits, I only have half a day of school. I got out at one forty-five and drove another hour for more dance classes. I helped teach a few classes, but mostly I was the student.
The only thing that was half-way relaxing was a few classes at the studio that I had with Tommy. He was in my grade but was a year older. He had shaggy blond hair and remarkable blue eyes. He was one of the only males in my dance classes and I thought he was amazing for that. Not many guys would go through the torture of being a dancer. For one thing, he probably got made fun of enough to last him several life times. You have to eventually get the splits down, and that hurts enough for girls. Then again, he did earn a full scholarship to any college he wanted, and none of the football players from his school can say that. He was the only thing in my life that was not perfect and the only thing that my mom strongly disapproved of.
When I showed up for my afternoon classes, Tommy was waiting, as usual.
"Hey, Lexi,"he said.
"Hey, Tommy,"I replied.
"How was your day?"
"Good, so far, but then again I haven't seen my mommy dearest yet."
"What don't you like about your mom? At least she actually supports you."
"That's what it is, all she does is talk about me dancing."
"That's usually a good thing."
"Just shut up you have no idea what you're talking about. You don't even no her."
He didn't reply, but he looked like he wanted to. Tommy looked like he was biting his tongue, literally. He always had something to say, and usally, he would just say it, not spareing my fellings.
When I looked at him weirdly, he finally talked. "Come on, we're going to be late." With that we walked into the large mirroed room.

Hey, bunnie_i_am! I know it's been a few days, but welcome to YWS. ^_^

This looks like it's going to be a really interesting story--I know absolutely nothing about dance beyond the Hokey Pokey, but I could completely relate to your character's passion for it and the way she feels when she goes to the studio. It's really cool that you were able to connect with readers that have no idea what she's talking about, for the most part. Though I had no problems comprehending this one, if you get into technical dance stuff, you're going to want to find a way to break it down for us noobs in a way that's both helpful and poetic.

On to the critique?

OFF TO THE RACES

Your first few paragraphs of a story are the ones that are going to get the most read-throughs by prospective readers, and the ones that are make or break. Now, I've got a friend who would argue that you shouldn't decide whether you like something or not until you've read all of it, but when you're writing mainly for teenaged girls, that's simply not a reality. We're antsy and hormonal. We want what we want--fast. If it's not appealing within the first page or so, it's not worth the nine dollars at the bookstore and the time put into reading it.

Sad as that might seem, beefing up your intro is a way to keep more stalwart readers engaged, too--it's kind of like a bonus for them. Here, your intro lets me get to know your character, but since I haven't spent any time with her I don't really care about what she has to say just yet. You give me a lot of information all at once, which isn't good when I'm still at the stage where I'm trying to figure out her name and remember it.

You also want to give your audience as little of a teaser as possible, especially in a romantic novel where--you guessed it--the romance is the main source of the plot. Keeping things as unpredictable as you can is what's going to keep it fresh for your readers.

What should you do with the first two paragraphs/lines before the ***, then? Just merge! Is there a way to reveal these emotions and stories later? To blend them in with dialogue? You have to be sneaky though--what you've got now is an infodump, and a dump here is no better than a dump in Arkansas. Stealth is the name of the game. We want to get to know your character, but we also want some action to get the story rolling.

Starting with action, in short, is a sure-fire way to get everyday readers and to keep more patient ones. Info-dumps = bad.

REALITY CHECK

The one question I have, being active with performing arts at my school, is--isn't he gay?

Don't get me wrong--I know there are a lot of straight dancers out there. I know one myself. But stereotypes are hard to overcome, and it's a subject you're going to want to try and stealthily approach with your readers so that it doesn't seem quite as improbable as it is now. Finding a guy at a dance studio is one thing; finding a heterosexual is quite another.

___

Thanks for the read, bunnie_i_am! Off to the next part. PM me if you have any questions, okay?

Hey there Bunnie!!


You have a good beginning for what seems to be an interesting story. The thing is, it's overall well written and interesting but it didn't get me hooked. It didn't leave a lasting impression.

Sam is right about you having to beef it up a bit more to keep your readers engaged.

I did notice a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes and I'll point out some of them:

I stare at the mirrored wall and the two wooden bars that wraps around the it.

This sentence doesn't really work. 'Wooden barns that wraps around it'??

The wooden floor are scraped up from tap shoes, just like any other would be.

instead of 'are' it should be 'is'.

I got new friends everywhere but I can't tell you any of there names.

I'm not sure what you mean in your sentence here. At first I thought you meant "I have new friends everywhere but I can't tell you any of their names"
But later on you go on to say you've never had a best friend. And why can't you tell us their names?

They really not brats, at all.

They're *

There were also some misplaced commas. Y'know your story reminds me of the movie 'Center Stage'.

Have you seen it? It's a dance movie.

Well anyways continue writing! And keep your there, their and they're in check.

Toodles!

I think this has potential - a lot of potential. And that is because your MC, Lexi, sounds very real - I like how she described her feelings on friends, compared to her passion for dance. I can just see a dilemma waiting around the corner.
I would just maybe mention the dialogue. I think that it began to lose something towards the end. It happens a lot - people get too carried away with dialogue and pay less attention to the prose. I also had an issue with Tommy calling Lexi a 'meanie-head'. Too immature, too much like what my five-year-old nephew would say.
Apart from that, I think you've done well. I'm not interested in dance as such, but I found myself interested in this.

I really liked this it was very interesting. I agree with Sam about beefing up the intro. There is books that I don't finish because the beginning doesn't hook me. Other than that there are no problem with it. I can't wait for the second installment.

Ooh, the plotline is pretty interesting - a dancer that is completely committed to her work, yet hasn't found any thick friendships. I like Tommy because he really seems like a complex character from how you described his hardships of dancing, and how he doesn't recieve support from his parents.

"How was your day?"
"Good, so far, but then again I haven't seen my mommy dearest yet."
"What don't you like about your mom? At least she actually supports you."
"That's what it is, all she does is talk about me dancing."
"That's usually a good thing."
"Just shut up you have no idea what you're talking about. You don't even no her."

I'd like to know what Lexi finds annoying (is that the correct word?) about her mom, and what Tommy doesn't know about her mom.

The first line of your story is intruiging

I enter the room as the familiarity of another life floods through me.

Besides a couple of spelling mistakes (I recommend using spellcheck.net), I can't wait to see how the story will turn out ^-^