+Acere [EDITED&ADDED]

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2384
Reviews 107
WARNING: This short story contains strong language, sex, drug usage, and boy on boy. You've been warned. I HAVE NOT EDITED THE FIRST PART, BUT I HAVE ADDED MORE TO IT TO EXPLAIN. Part2 will be out soon.(:

PART1

“Zane, you stupid fuck, let’s go!” I turned to face Xavier Balie, my gray eyes drooping from lack of sleep.

“Dude, give me a fucking minute, will you?” I zipped up my thin, black cotton hoodie and the pulled the hood over my ebony hair. I dug my pale, bony hands into the pockets, trudging my feet down the old stairs of Xavier‘s house. “What’s the rush?” I asked, tying the worn out laces of my old converse.

“Hmm, I don’t know, maybe the race?” Xavier shot back, pulling the sleeveless army vest he always wore over his bare chest. I took the time to really examine Xavier. He was hardly ever himself like this. His white-blond hair flipped everywhere, long, sideways, just the way it did when he was younger. His blue eyes were outlined in bags and black, dark tiring circles of staying up late and partying all day. His pearly white skin accented the dark tones around his muscles: on his arms and abs. His baggy, tight jeans hung low, gathering inside his high top boots. The sleeveless vest was always opened, showing off his white-gold chains that hung around his neck-

“Dude, come on!” I shook my head and realized Xavier was right in front of me, lending out a hand. I grabbed it and hauled myself up ready to leave.

+

We made it out in time to catch the starting lines of the downtown street racing. This was perfect, this is when all the money rolled in. Xavier and I usually hung out around the curbs, drinking and talking with friends and girls. Tonight, a cute little Asian girl; blonde stringy hair, bright make up, sexy clothes clung to my waist. I slid an arm around her as she took a long drag from my cigarette. I looked around and spotted Xavier with, of course, three girls who cant keep their hands off him, begging for sex. He looked over and winked, and then turned his attention back to the girls. I shook my head and laughed.

“Yo, you Zane?” I turned around to face an obvious druggie looking for something to do. He was shirtless and ugly, a do-rag on his head and pants so big they were parachuted. He was bald and overly fit.

“Who wants to know?” I asked, removing my arm from the girl. This was business which involved no women.

“Me, I’m looking for some PCP.” He whispered, showing off five-hundred dollars. I looked at the money and shook my head,

“Son, we’re not killers. What do you want?” I laughed, lighting up another cigarette.

“Well, who is this?” I felt a big arm hang on my shoulder, instantly knowing Xavier wanted in on the deal.

“Your man here doesn’t carry PCP.” He crossed his arms over his bear chest, tilting up his chiseled chin. I looked up at Xavier who stared intently at the guy in front of us.

“Oh yeah, we have that!” Xavier smiled, patting my back. I looked stunned at him, scared that Xavier really might have PCP. “Yeah yeah, it’s on death row, boy!” I sighed in relief at the joke and took a relaxing drag.

“How about acid?” He scratched behind his ear.

“How much you looking to score?” Xavier took over. I stepped back, I always felt better when Xavier took over. He was better at handling things and was much stronger if a fight broke out. Soon, Xavier and the guy were both staring at me, expecting something.

“What?” I asked, my cigarette hanging from my lips.

“Give the man his acid, Zane.” I nodded and reached in the bag around my arm, I pulled out the capsule and gave it Xavier. He took out eight pills and took the seven-fifty. The guy walked away and Xavier turned to me. “Here’s your pay for the night, Zane.” Xavier winked and placed the money in my pocket. I felt his fingers touch that area when doing so and I twitched. “What the fuck?”

“Ay, my bad. Chill out.” I eased up, then turned back to the cute Asian girl who easily fell back into my arms.

*

I reclined back on my ripped and torn sofa, sighing. I looked at the clock that read two-thirty a.m. I cleared my throat and placed my hands behind my head, ready to sleep.

‘knock’ ‘knock’ ‘knock’

I opened my lazy eyes and leaned on my elbows.

‘knock’ ‘knock’ ‘knock’

I got up off the couch and grabbed the nearest shirt to throw over my head. Once the old, ragged shirt was over my bear, pale chest I opened the creaky door. On my step stood Xavier, grinning wildly.

“What the fuck?” I asked, tired out of my mind. Xavier stumbled in and made his way to my couch. “Ay, you okay?”

Xavier fell on my couch and snuggled into my sweatshirt. “Mmm, this smells like hot sex.” Xavier started laughing uncontrollably, throwing my sweatshirt across the room. I scratched my hair, confused by Xavier’s actions.

“Are you drunk?” I asked, sitting across from him on the old chair. Xavier stared at me, that goofy grin plastered on his face. “What?”

“Want to know something?” He whispered, hoisting himself on one elbow to look at me. I leaned back,

“What?”

“I’m so wasted right now.. And that guy that we sold to earlier? He was selling our shit, so I took him out!” Xavier was laughing so hard it was scary.

“You dumbfuck!” I got up and looked down at him, angry.

“What?” He laughed, looking up at me.

“You could have started a gang war!” I threw my hands up in frustration, “And, you know we’re not supposed to make scenes!”

“Calm down Zane.” Xavier sat up, smiling at me. “You know I kicked his wigger butt!” Xavier fell back laughing.

“How’d you even get here?” I asked, hands on my slim hips.

“Walked. I can’t remember if it was a left or right at the end of your street to my house. So I just came to your house.” He smiled up at me.

“We’re on the same street- never mind, okay here you can take the bed.” I said, pointing up at the spiral stairs leading to the small loft.

“You stupid, I can’t get up those steps.” Xavier chuckled. “I’ll stay here.” Xavier stood up and pulled off his vest, revealing his muscle toned chest, then unbuckled his combat boots, removing them and his socks. After, he unzipped his pants and when tried to step out of them, fell over and back onto the couch. I broke out into hysterics and Xavier through a pillow at me.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought drunks couldn’t get hurt.”

“I’m not a drunk...just drunk.” Xavier walked over to pick up the pillow.

“Wow, nice undies.” I looked down at Xavier’s small boxer briefs, the blue looking good against his pearl-pale skin.

“Ahh the ladies love Kelvin Cline.” He smiled, throwing the pillow back at the couch. I turned my head away from that area and laughed. “I have an idea buddy!”

“What?” I asked, scared by his response.

“We should go partying! Or get wasted here!” He laughed, falling back onto the recliner closest to him.

“Are you fucked up in the head? You’re already drunk!” I backhanded him. Xavier laughed and got up to hit me back. Him being much stronger, his hits hurt. I turned around and ducked at the in-coming punch.

“Stop moving! It’s already hard enough to hit your ass!” Xavier yelled, chasing me around. I couldn’t stop laughing at how ridiculous he looked trying to keep his balance. I hoped over the coffee table and fell onto the ground, cursing to myself. I felt two strong legs land over top me and I grunted.

“Move your fat ass!” I yelled, turning over to face him.

“Fuck you!” He laughed.

“No, fuck you!” I spat back, agitated. I squirmed out of his grip and darted away. Though, he grabbed my wrists and turned me, slamming my back against the front door. Before I had time to react, Xavier’s lips met mine.

-+-

I was shocked, stunned, appalled. I couldn’t move, I didn’t move. Xavier’s lips continued to move mine, his hands still on my wrists, pressing his strong body against mine. I didn’t do anything, I just stood there taking this all in. Soon, my mind clouded and I gave in. It started to feel...good. Xavier felt my body un-tense and moved his hands down to my sides, gripping them tightly. I moved my small hands to his shoulders, tilting my head to move my lips with his.
The next thing I know Xavier and I were in my bed in the loft, I guided him up the spiral stairs. He lay on top of me, lifting his body so that he wouldn’t crush me. My hands were around his neck and he was lifting my shirt off my head. He started to kiss my neck and I let him have me...

I woke up with the biggest pain in the world. I rested my head back on the pillow and sighed. I think I had a hangover. But...I didn’t drink last night? I sat up and heard rustling next to me. I turned, expecting to see the little Asian girl from last night until I saw that white-blond hair.
‘Oh my god, no we didn’t.’ I thought. I knew I did something last night. But not that. I hope.
Before Xavier woke up I hoped out of the bed, found some clothes on the floor and ran down the stairs. I grabbed my hoodie, zipped it and placed the hood up, grabbed some cigarettes and walked out. I dug my hands in my pockets and turned my head over my shoulder to make sure Xavier didn’t see me. I started to walked fast, the hood of my hoodie covering half my face. I dug out a cigarette and lighter, lit one up, and took a nice refreshing drag. ‘What the fuck happened last night?’

-+-

‘Ahh god damnet that hurt.’ Xavier thought as he sat up. He looked around and remembered exactly what happened last night. Though when he went to sleep, Zane was there. “Ahh shit.” He grunted as he realized what they really did. “Zane? You here?” He called out, but the only sound was the raindrops falling down on the roof’s top, some water dripping into bails and buckets.
Xavier pulled himself out of bed and grabbed his boxer briefs, pulling them up. He padded down the spiraled stairs and looked around, but nothing. Instead of lounging around, Xavier got dressed and walked out.

-+-

I walked back into my house, tired from walking aimlessly around the neighborhood. I walked into the bathroom to use the toilet when my image caught my attention. I looked horrible: my auburn hair flew everywhere and I had bags appearing under my eyes. My skin lost its tan and I was becoming skinnier and lankier from lack of food.

After I used the toilet, I turned on the old shower head. I pulled off my ragged clothes and stepped inside, cold water creeping its way down my back. I placed a hand on the wall and bent my head down, closing my eyes. I thought back to how I met Xavier and how this all started.

In the tenth grade, I was a drug abuser and an alcohol user. Xavier was a grade above me and was always at my side since the day he found me passed out under the football bleachers. He took me back to his uncles house and poured water over top me. I got up and ran out of the house, never seeing him before in my life.

I chuckled at the memory and then poured some shampoo on my hands. I ran it through my thick hair and thought back to the day I started to live on my own, only 19 and Xavier turning 21...

I came home late from a party and found my parents in my room, sitting on my bed. They told me they were tired of my ‘bringing girls home, drinking, and drug usage’. They kicked me out with a rolling suitcase full of my clothes and only two hundred dollars to spare. Of course, the only place I felt comfortable going was Xavier’s house. Xavier lived with his Uncle, up to a few weeks ago when his Uncle moved out leaving the house to him. I crashed there until I had enough money to rent the house down the street. I never really was home, so all I got was an old couch, bed, dresser, and some food for the kitchen.

I opened my eyes as I thought about food, my stomach growling. I realized I was hungry and decided to hurry up with my shower.

Xavier and I always had a rough friendship. We had close to no money, were drug sellers and were always swearing at each other. But never had we...gone far enough to get close like we did. But in a strange way, the more I thought about it, the more I liked it.

“God damn you, Xavier Balie.” I muttered, turning off the water. I went to step out of the shower when my wet foot slipped on the shower curtain and I fell on my face. I laid there for a few seconds, cursing to myself when two strong arms pulled me off the ground and stood me on my two feet. I got a glimpse of the white blonde hair and instantly looked around for the towel. Xavier pushed one up against my body without saying a word. I wrapped it around my waist and gathered up my clothes.

“Come on you dumbfuck, we have to talk.” Xavier quietly said, making his way out of the room. Xavier and I were always calling each other names, and I’ve gotten use to him having power and control over me; him directing me into the right...and sometimes into the wrong, direction.

To be continued...
Last edited by day tripper on Sun Aug 17, 2008 4:27 am, edited 2 times in total.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1813
Reviews 15
Ok, I read through the whole thing, and I have a couple things to say.

I sorta liked it, but it didn't really seem like it had a direct plot or anything. There wasn't much tension that seemed like it should lead up to a (I'm assuming here) boy on boy sex scene later in the story. It was just kind of random, like "Aaah let's go get drugs, look at pretty girls, and screw later." And the language was kind of excessive, though it did add to the rough tone, which was kind of a nice change to read from the soft, fluffy, yaoi manga storylines.

Overall, it was ok, but it'd be better if you added a bit more conflict than it has now. It doesn't really keep one too engaged at the moment.

Keep writing!

~Ryllie
"It's my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 70
this hurt... pretty pain ful but i reached the end.... ugh i kept skimming through and then it was like weird so i had to go bauck up and read it but... ack.. this this leaves a dirty tinge of butt in my mouth... like a really corny traiigt to dvd movie about hip kids.. like.. but think you woudl bpe like the person to write fast and the furious 9, 9 faster for 9 times the furry, you could fcall it.. so.. now abou tyoru thing up there, too many commas, it seems to dramatic, like, you dont neet all those commas. and third, this would be alot better written in third.. i think it would attually seem barrable to read if it wwas in third person.. cfause like, its like hes actually talking like this... liek if a kid started to tell me a story speaking to me like that... like ,


I zipped up my thin, black cotton hoodie and the pulled the hood over my ebony hair. I dug my pale, bony hands into the pockets, trudging my feet down the old stairs of Xavier‘s house. “What’s the rush?” I asked, tying the worn out laces of my old converse.


like, i would just say my hoodie... and like, i woudlnt even said sanything about my hair, not even to mention its "ebony color".. no if a kid talked like this i would call him gay and maybe flick head just fjor talking like that... and so its like this is one lbig diolage, yo uknwo what i mean;.. so that takes so mnuch away. you know. like this was really unreal... like, fake, like, cliche,, jesus is that onlhy the first time i mentioed that.. cliche and very unbelievebable,, like, if this kid told me this storhy, would hyou beileve him.. see now if it was in third person its like you have to believe it cause its an unseen person who knows all.. right... i mean cmon.. these two weirdos, go out, party all day,,, and stay up all night,?" and they just go to corners with women who want to do them for some reason, and they all do, i even tho they dont find it the least bit skanky, and these guys are the cool guys who just hang out and do this all the time, i mean, where do you get your money?.., do you go to school? so hes this bad ass but yet this kid talks like a gay poet, yhou know, and these guys come up to them and asking for all these absurd drugs from the 70s with ridiciklousle amounts of money, with no shirts on.. i mean, when was the last time you heard anybody tell hyoiu some guy with no shirt on came up to me and asked how much.. o i dont know, adreemachrome, or whatever its called, you know, pure adreniline from the gland of a live person, from fear and loathing,, yea, like, how much adrenachrome, and Steven segal ball hair (bound to induce mass uephoria when smoked) can i get with 2999 dollars.. you knwo what im saying.. very unlikely and cheesy, id be like to taht kid, so you and youre scrawnny punk friend had 9 girls around him, and you had 5, which you both wen tand banged all of them together, at once? wow, ok, man... thats what i woudl say... ok im done. bottom line. i dont like this.
purple bunnies hop at midnight




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2384
Reviews 107
Guyssss.
this is all found out
in part twoooooooo
(:

thank you a lot for the
reviews.
Like
A bunch.

I know its kind of harsh
(And yes there is a conflict, you'll figure that out in part two, too)
but there was a warning./:


THANKS a lot though(:
I'll get working on my mistakes.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1813
Reviews 15
That's good that there's a conflict in part 2, but to make people want to read part two in the first place, some of the conflict should be introduced in part 1. The only whiff of conflict I got was the fact that Zane seems uncomfortable with Xavier hitting on him and doesn't know what's going on.

Also, something I just noticed now but I didn't notice before:
“Zane, you stupid fuck, let’s go!” I turned to face Xavier Balie, my gray eyes drooping from lack of sleep.

It sounds like Zane is talking instead of Xavier, the way you phrased it. Maybe you could say
“Zane, you stupid fuck, let’s go!” Xavier Balie turned to face me, and his image was fuzzy due to my lack of sleep.


Something like that

And also these two:
I zipped up my thin, black cotton hoodie and the pulled the hood over my ebony hair.

I took the time to really examine Xavier. He was hardly ever himself like this. His white-blond hair flipped everywhere, long, sideways, just the way it did when he was younger. His blue eyes were outlined in bags and black, dark tiring circles of staying up late and partying all day. His pearly white skin accented the dark tones around his muscles: on his arms and abs. His baggy, tight jeans hung low, gathering inside his high top-combat boots. The sleeveless army vest was always opened, showing off his white-gold chains that hung around his neck-

From the way you described it, except for the bags under their eyes, Zane and Xavier sound way too pretty and perfect to be believable. One of my pet peeves is reading about characters that are too perfect and have no flaws, especially if they're abnormally beautiful. Readers want characters that they can relate to, and I don't know anyone who is that perfect appearance-wise (or in any other way). Just another thing to think about. Otherwise they don't seem as real as they could.

~Ryllie
"It's my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 48
rofl.
i really, really like this; it's hilarious, in a morbid, coming only from knowing a multitude of gay men way.

the only things that bothered me were that a)no self-respecting gay man would wear a hoodie/combat vest/combat boots/torn up shirt; b)almost all gay men are obsessive tanners, and wouldn't be caught pale unless they were dead, or a very burly gay; c)no self-respecting gay man would go out with bags under his eyes. if anything, he'd use concealer, and probably would just forgo the whole thing; d)even if they had very little money, most gays wouldn't live in a house with a torn-up couch, it tends to be an affront to the eye of the decorative.



all in all, though, i thoroughly enjoyed this.
:D
"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."

-Nolan Logan



This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
— Winston Churchill