Looking at myself

Tarnished.

I loved the anger and feeling in this piece, and it was well-written, but it still needs a lot of revising.

I dug my arm with my nails,
Pulling hard and moving up...
Leaving a scar behind on my arm,
The blood drapped over my arm.

I like the first stanza. It gives a violent beginning, and it shows your anger. It leaves me asking, why? Why would someone do that? And leads the reader to the next stanza.
The repetition, however, did not do very well with this sort of stanza. You're simply stating what happens. Try reading this stanza out loud. Repeating 'arm' makes the lines a little bland, don't you think?
And as for 'drapped', I think you mean 'dripped'? Remember, spell-check is your friend. Especially when it comes to posting poems, you want to make the best presentation available in order to make the reader interested in what you have to say.

As I looked at it in interest...
I still had some raged left with in me
I felt so tense and angered,
I asked myself why I did such a thing?

In the first line, what is 'it'? I think you mean the scar. Try to replace 'it' with something more colorful and pleasing to the imagination. I had no picture in my mind at this point, leaving the last stanza and reading to the next one.
In the second line, I think you mean 'rage left within'. Nice use of the word rage, I liked it.
The fourth line seemed a little wrong to me. If you're going to write the line like that 'I asked myself why I did such a thing', you need to add use a period at the end, not a question. It's a statement. You aren't asking the reader a question.
If you would like to use the question mark, you can change it to something along the lines of 'I asked myself, "Why would you do such a thing?"', or 'I asked myself, why do such a thing?'.

Is it because I hated to see myself?
Because I thought I wasne’t good enough for you?

I think you mean 'wasn't'? Like I said, spell check helps.
This break in the four-lined stanzas was good, but the lines were uninteresting and simple statements. it doesn't make me, as a reader, sympathetic, and doesn't leave me with any pictures. Try changing this around a bit. Add imagery, or remove the 'you' altogether. It makes the reader wonder who 'you' is, but this question is not satisfied in the last stanza.

I tried dragging myself to the mirorr
But it felt like chains we’re attached to my ankles as I moved
I stared at the miorr angrily
I was so disgusted of myself
I could’ve vomited!

I liked the imagery in the first two lines, but you need a little punctuation there. After mirror, add a comma, and a period at the end of the second line would help make a strong statement. Also, 'we're' should be 'were'.
In the third line, I was confused. In the first two lines, you claimed that it felt like chains were attached to your ankles, am I correct? I thought this rendered you immovable, and you switch to the third line.. skipping your drag to the mirror altogether. Explain to the reader what the walk was like, or if the chains allowed you to move at all. The use of the word 'but' denied you from moving towards the mirror.
You use the word 'anger' here once again, I suggest you find another word to replace it. Something along the lines of 'disgustedly' (because you use disgusted in the next line, I do not suggest you use it to replace angrily).
In the fourth line, 'with' should replace 'of'. It gives a stronger statement, and 'of' is incorrectly used.
The last line, being one of the most important lines in a poem, should always leave the reader thinking about your piece. As a reader, I felt nothing.

You need to revise over this piece, it needs some work. Overall, I liked the feeling here, but it seems like a personal sort of poem you'd write in a journal. The reader might sympathize, but will probably forget the poem in a few seconds. Maybe you should change the view altogether. Write about your feelings in the hatred towards yourself (that is, if you'd like this sort of poem to be read and remembered), not an experience in your hatred. Personal poems don't usually need reviewing.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh at times. I'm just here to help =] If you have questions, you can PM me if you'd like.
Good luck revising!

Neo

neophilic wrote:I loved the anger and feeling in this piece, and it was well-written, but it still needs a lot of revising.

I dug my arm with my nails,
Pulling hard and moving up...
Leaving a scar behind on my arm,
The blood drapped over my arm.

I like the first stanza. It gives a violent beginning, and it shows your anger. It leaves me asking, why? Why would someone do that? And leads the reader to the next stanza.
The repetition, however, did not do very well with this sort of stanza. You're simply stating what happens. Try reading this stanza out loud. Repeating 'arm' makes the lines a little bland, don't you think?
And as for 'drapped', I think you mean 'dripped'? Remember, spell-check is your friend. Especially when it comes to posting poems, you want to make the best presentation available in order to make the reader interested in what you have to say.

As I looked at it in interest...
I still had some raged left with in me
I felt so tense and angered,
I asked myself why I did such a thing?

In the first line, what is 'it'? I think you mean the scar. Try to replace 'it' with something more colorful and pleasing to the imagination. I had no picture in my mind at this point, leaving the last stanza and reading to the next one.
In the second line, I think you mean 'rage left within'. Nice use of the word rage, I liked it.
The fourth line seemed a little wrong to me. If you're going to write the line like that 'I asked myself why I did such a thing', you need to add use a period at the end, not a question. It's a statement. You aren't asking the reader a question.
If you would like to use the question mark, you can change it to something along the lines of 'I asked myself, "Why would you do such a thing?"', or 'I asked myself, why do such a thing?'.

Is it because I hated to see myself?
Because I thought I wasne’t good enough for you?

I think you mean 'wasn't'? Like I said, spell check helps.
This break in the four-lined stanzas was good, but the lines were uninteresting and simple statements. it doesn't make me, as a reader, sympathetic, and doesn't leave me with any pictures. Try changing this around a bit. Add imagery, or remove the 'you' altogether. It makes the reader wonder who 'you' is, but this question is not satisfied in the last stanza.

I tried dragging myself to the mirorr
But it felt like chains we’re attached to my ankles as I moved
I stared at the miorr angrily
I was so disgusted of myself
I could’ve vomited!

I liked the imagery in the first two lines, but you need a little punctuation there. After mirror, add a comma, and a period at the end of the second line would help make a strong statement. Also, 'we're' should be 'were'.
In the third line, I was confused. In the first two lines, you claimed that it felt like chains were attached to your ankles, am I correct? I thought this rendered you immovable, and you switch to the third line.. skipping your drag to the mirror altogether. Explain to the reader what the walk was like, or if the chains allowed you to move at all. The use of the word 'but' denied you from moving towards the mirror.
You use the word 'anger' here once again, I suggest you find another word to replace it. Something along the lines of 'disgustedly' (because you use disgusted in the next line, I do not suggest you use it to replace angrily).
In the fourth line, 'with' should replace 'of'. It gives a stronger statement, and 'of' is incorrectly used.
The last line, being one of the most important lines in a poem, should always leave the reader thinking about your piece. As a reader, I felt nothing.

You need to revise over this piece, it needs some work. Overall, I liked the feeling here, but it seems like a personal sort of poem you'd write in a journal. The reader might sympathize, but will probably forget the poem in a few seconds. Maybe you should change the view altogether. Write about your feelings in the hatred towards yourself (that is, if you'd like this sort of poem to be read and remembered), not an experience in your hatred. Personal poems don't usually need reviewing.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh at times. I'm just here to help =] If you have questions, you can PM me if you'd like.
Good luck revising!

Neo

I will do what I can. Also, this is based on how m friend felt...