Bats, My Muse, Bats

Note: Inspired by PenguinAttack's "It's Time." Thanks wifey! ^^

Bats, My Muse, Bats

"Let's leave, let's leave
as the bristling bats call."

They have called me three times.
Three wonderful times.
My heart races and swoons
to be with you,
and connects to this music now.
It calls me to my life,
to my loves.

My three loves?
But I only want the first.
So what do I do now?
The music tells me to
be sad, to think.
So I do.
I do so solemnly.

I think, about the bats
and the lovely things
they mean for me.
They symbolize love.
They symbolize bliss.
They also symbolize confusion
as I yearn for those first experiences
with those first bats, flying about
giving my mind freedom
and beginning a new perspective on life
with you in it.

Thinking of the other two,
may I forget the lust I felt,
though I fear a loss of friendship
which I do not wish to happen.
May they simply fade
to an acceptable aquaintance
so that I may have you, my muse.

Welcome back, dear.
Don't leave me again.




This is a couple weeks old. Highly modified from the original for posting though. Not sure how well it works.
~Yoyo

*poke poke* Anyone?

Yes! And I'll post what I have even if I don't finish!



"Let's leave, let's leave
as the bristling bats call."

They have called me three times.
Three wonderful times.
My heart races and swoons
[s]to be with you,[/s] I'd nix that, even though it sounds cool, but you don't need it! And yeah, I think you know my tendency for short and sweet? Anything this long makes me go "RED PEN!" though i know I shouldn't >< so forgive me chopping! I don't mean to be mean if it seems I am being! /[color]
and connects to this music now.
It calls me to my life,
to my loves. [color=green] To many syllables there? Maybe just go to "my loves"? I don't know, seems to run together more that way, if that's what you're aiming for, anyway

My three loves? Not sure you need the line, simply because you've already stated this in the previous stanza, and the repetition here doesn't add anything -- silly nitpick, maybe?
But I only want the first.
So what do I do now?
The music tells me to
be sad, to think.
So I do.
I do so solemnly. Ok, so I love these last few lines, both for meaning and how they feel running off the tongue. A suggestion? When I read this, I see the last two lines either punctuated differently (a dash between, it connects more than a period since it's still the same thought, but offers the separation you want, I think). Or maybe a stanza to itself? I'm not sure -- but it seems to be the hinge for you poem, and it comes down to if you want it to be more obvious or not, I think. As is, it's more sneaky and I didn't think about it until a few read-throughs later. My idea is more obvious (latter more so than the former) but it's just a thought!

I think, about the bats
and the lovely things
they mean for me.
They symbolize love.
They symbolize bliss.
They also symbolize confusion ah! list! I can't remember who it is who always tells me to get rid of the lists that always end up in my poetry, so I feel really hypocritical echoing that sentiment here. But! Reading it without these lines is fine for this stanza, but it then screws up the following one. So, I'm not sure what to even suggest, here.
as I yearn for those first experiences
with those first bats, flying about
giving my mind freedom
and beginning a new perspective on life
with you in it. arg, there's something not sitting right with the last two lines, and I can't quite hit it! Maybe the second person "you"? But I'm no help, all I can say is something doesn't seem right

Thinking of the other two,
may I forget the lust I felt, "May I" or "I may"? Also, maybe you can do without the first line? I just love this line, though, either way.
though I fear a loss of friendship
which I do not wish to happen. "though I fear a loss/I do not wish"? It's just wordy! *hides* I hate extra words unless there's a purpose for them. *sheepish*
May they simply fade
to an acceptable aquaintance
so that I may have you, my muse.

Welcome back, dear.
Don't leave me again. YES! Oh my gosh.


Ok, so I really like this! I would have classified this as more narrative or lyrical than dramatic (but them all of mine is thrown in "other" so please grab a hefty bit of salt ) just because your style here is so soft and pondering and it just flows to read which is an absolute joy! And you had a great pair of lines to work with as an opening, too! If I can help at all any more (or you want to throw rotten vegetables/fruit at me) just drop me a PM!

Luck with this, Yoyo!

Bek

Hmm...what I'm getting from this is that the bats represent the excitement and confusion of junior high romance, and that it's written in retrospect from when you find your muse. The poem has a very light mood to it, sort of like it's being read by a child - I especially liked the last two lines, it's funny in a fake mad kind of way. I'm not exactly sure as to what it precisely means (it's poetry, after all) but I do know that this is a wonderful poem