Fallout short poem

This is more or less my first poem, the idea just suddenly came to me and I had to write it down. Now with this begin my first poem I would love any suggestions of criticism or any sort of feedback to help my poetry improve as I would like to write more of it.

Fallout

A poem written by
Lewis Beach

I sat, perfectly still, waiting just waiting, but for what?

I waited for my parents but I knew they wouldn’t come.
I waited for a phone to call but I knew it would sound.

I sat, waiting for the ash to fall, waiting for the cloud to lift.

I watched as the people above me screamed and shouted.
I watched as the birds fell from the sky and lost their feathers.

I sat, waiting for someone to come looking for me.

I wondered, how this all came to be, how this could happen to me.
I wondered, why this all came to be, why this happened to me.

I sat, perfectly quite, keeping my movements small, but my thoughts large.

I whimpered, at the thought that I was alone.
I whimpered, to the thought of what was to become.

I slowly laid down, reaming perfectly still, my eyes slowly shut and then I waited, waited for all eternity.

I liked it, though it could use improvement. It was thought-provoking. I'm assuming you were talking about either a volcano erupting or a nuclear blast, I couldn't really tell the subject. That was one of the less good things about it, it was kind of vague.

I wondered, how this all came to be, how this could happen to me.

I wondered, why this all came to be, why this happened to me.

This part was a little redundant. You're saying almost (but not quite) the same thing in two lines. Maybe you could keep one of the lines, and then write something else to replace the other one.

I sat, perfectly quite, keeping my movements small, but my thoughts large.

Random typo. "Quite" should be "quiet".

I whimpered, to the thought of what was to become.

"To" should be "at," like the other line above it. It makes more sense.

I waited for a phone to call but I knew it would sound.

I think you meant "wouldn't" here instead of would.

I slowly laid down, reaming perfectly still, my eyes slowly shut and then I waited, waited for all eternity.

If I'm correct here with the verb conjugation of "to lay," I think "laid" should be "lay" in this context. You might want to check that out, that verb gets me too sometimes.
Also, "reaming?" *does not compute* I'm not sure what verb you meant to put here.

I sat, perfectly quite, keeping my movements small, but my thoughts large.

Aside from the typo I mentioned earlier, I really liked this phrase. It was neat. Kudos.

I sat, perfectly still, waiting just waiting, but for what?

Maybe take out "just waiting" here. If you kept it and put a comma between the first "waiting" and "just", it wouldn't make sense.

Again, I liked it overall. A good, non-superficial first poem. Keep writing!

~Ryllie

Firstly - WELCOME

Secondly: I loved your use of repetition, it gave the piece a lovely sense of structure and direction - which is nice
The only thing i would say negatively about your poem, is that it lacked any defined meaning...It seemed as though you wanted to spurt some sadness onto the page - I am certain that this is not the case, but i have failed to pick up on any narrative or message that you might have intended for me...Alas, a shame.

I would definitely suggest adding some sort of rhyming structure. I know, not all poems have to rhyme but it is nice every now and then. It also makes them more appealing to read.

I watched as the birds fell from the sky and lost their feathers.

I loved this line above all of the others. It has a very visceral, visual quality; which i found beautiful...a bit surreal too

I slowly laid down, reaming perfectly still, my eyes slowly shut and then I waited, waited for all eternity.

Very cliché my dearest chuck, we have read things like this over and over. A rule of thumb is, if it sounds familiar - scrap it.

Anywhoooo!
Well done!
Love
Kris
x

chaplin90 wrote:



I wondered, how this all came to be, how this could happen to me.
I wondered, why this all came to be, why this happened to me.

i don't really understand this portion of the poem and so it sort of interrupts the flow of the piece. however, the rest of it is great and i like the way you describe what is happening. there are some parts where i would use different words such as the part where you're talking about small movements but large thoughts, but other than that this is a really good piece and it makes me wonder what exactly it's about, which in this case is a good thing.

Yeah thanks I agree with you I think when the time comes to revise it I'll definitely use your suggestions, thanks for reading!

I sat, perfectly still, waiting just waiting, but for what?

I don't really like that question at the end, it's a bit meaningless. I think this line would be better as just "I sat, perfectly still, waiting. Just waiting." The question just detracts, I think.

I waited for my parents but I knew they wouldn’t come.
I waited for a phone to call but I knew it would sound.

When you say you knew it would sound, did you mean you knew it wouldn't?

I sat, waiting for the ash to fall, waiting for the cloud to lift.

I like this line the best =]

I watched as the people above me screamed and shouted.
I watched as the birds fell from the sky and lost their feathers.

This part is good too, nice images. Scary.

I sat, waiting for someone to come looking for me.

I wondered, how this all came to be, how this could happen to me.
I wondered, why this all came to be, why this happened to me.

I don't think you need all those lines like that, probably
"I sat, waiting for someone to come looking for me.
I wondered how all this came to be, how this could happen to me."
That'd just be snappier.

I sat, perfectly quite, keeping my movements small, but my thoughts large.

I think this line would be better without the word "keeping".

I whimpered, at the thought that I was alone.
I whimpered, to the thought of what was to become.

I don't know if you'd whimper to something, it seems kind of weird. Nice apart from that though, I like the continuity of the large thoughts - then they're just frightening.

I slowly laid down, reaming perfectly still, my eyes slowly shut and then I waited, waited for all eternity.

When you say reaming, do you mean remaining (or do I just not know what reaming means - sounds rude ^_~ oh no wait it's a tool used in machining to make existing holes dimensionally more accurate and to improve surface finish =/).

This reminds me of a book I read ages ago called Brother in the Land by Robert Swindells, that's about a post-nuclear thing. All the birds losing their feathers.. yeah, some really creepy images. The only problem I can see is it's a bit clinical, you say all these things but I'm not feeling it. I know what you want me to feel, but even though the person is whimpering, there's no description of the horror that's waiting for him in the future. I guess this could have made it more frightening, the great unknown etc. and I'm not saying you should spell out all the things that happen after nuclear war.. just a bit more detail would make me happy =]

I like the end though, very poignant.

Yes I agree with what you've said and I think that some of the errors I have made are just spelling, not my strong point, but thank you for reading it, its great to receive all this feedback about my first poem. Thank you and I really look forward to reading "Arur"