Summer [rewrite...or revised??]

OK, so some of you may have read the first "Summer" poem that I wrote. Thank youi for the comments by the way. I took some advice. I wrote the poem more of the last day of school...kinda..not really... but going into summer. Or at least Summer vacation.

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Wow, it’s the last day
School will be over, hooray!
I hope the periods don’t go too slow
So I can get out and go!


Wow, just 10 more minutes and I’ll be out
I’m ready to scream and shout!
The class on the edge of their chairs
All ready to leave without a care.


Beep, beep, beep!
We all exit in a big heap.
After we say goodbye
Everyone was spry


As soon as I reach my house
I slip into my summer blouse.
My flip flops are on
And in a few seconds, I’m gone.


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Not quite sure if this should be in here or not. =]

[At home or on vacation
Summer is always a sensation
Even stuck in a hut
Summer is fun, no matter what.]

ok, lea, this was only slightly better than your other one.
a few of the lines (eg. even stuck in a hut) seem like you were just trying a bit too hard to get a rhyme out.

other than the convincibly stange and random lines scattered around, this was good.
you sort of had a flow going, but to me, it wasn't obvious enough. several lines just falt out broke the flow.

sorry, but this was just good. not quite great, but an improvement.

keep writing!


-GC10

Hey Horsez!
First, I'll commend you for trying to improve your work. I haven't read the first version yet, but I'll crit this. As far
as spelling and grammar go, I didn't see any mistakes. The thing that bothers me is the rythym and, as game said,
the forced rhymes. But rhythm and rhymes are really hard to get. The only way to improve is to keep writing.
Try reading the poem out loud to yourself and see what doesn't flow. It might also help to read some books on
poetry. But, definitly keep writing!!!

vet4life13

hey lea, i like this version better than the other one! i thinks it's a liitle cliche, but hey, whats new?? some of the lines were a bit forced, but better than the first version. I think it really helps if you try sticking a non-rhyming line in between two rhyming lines. for example;

......sing me a song
wish me sweet dreams
the whole night long

it sorta helps to create a pattern. hope i helped! good job

-m.j.-