Born From the Mouth of the Sun

The ashes of night were drawing circles
this morning on the skin of sky,
in light speckles of cold, and of dust;
before, you’d grasped the golden dusk
in flowers wreathed in the tongues of the sun,
being dumbstruck by your own shadow. I saw;
you’d played dumb to the pale moon’s iris;
you played dumb, looked away,
played dum de dum, de dum, and during
this eclipse, ho hum, my fingers beat
the drum of my temple.

I feel like this poem had a meaning unbeknownst to me, yet it still managed to capture me. I liked how you used words in the last three lines that had a beat/sounding much like the sound a drum makes.


The ashes of night were drawing circles

this morning on the skin of the sky,

in light speckles of cold, and of dust;

before, you’d grasped the golden dusk

in flowers wreathed in the tongues of the sun,

being dumbstruck by your own shadow. I saw; (I'd remove the ; )

you’d played dumb to the pale moon’s iris;

you played dumb, looked away,

played dum de dum, de dum, and during

this eclipse, ho hum, my fingers beat

the drum of my temple.


Some very nice imagery throughout the poem.

I'll agree, this sounds pretty, but meaning is rather elusive. Part of this lies in your structure and in how you've punctuated/used words. I like concise, so I tend to be incredibly brutal when I see a word that could at all be considered extraneous, so forgive me that -- I'm never happy with words. Now, if I may play a bit, I can show you what I mean, rather than confuse you or me with any further ramblings!




The ashes of night were drawing circles
this morning on the skin of sky,
in light speckles of cold, and of dust;

Ok. First off, why not use "night ashes"? too many prepositions make for more difficult reading! Also, I'm not sure the significance of the last line separating "cold" and "dust." Is it cold dust, or is it "cold and dust"? If the latter, I would suggest "in light speckles of cold and dust" since as it stands, the line reads too long -- try reading it out loud! Unless you're reading it differently than I am (which is entirely possible!) it sounds too long!

before, you’d grasped the golden dusk why the comma?
in flowers wreathed in the tongues of the sun, too many prepositions! I know, it sounds weird, but it's true! Plus, using "in" twice makes it seem like you've used so many more words than if a different word was used. Also, the switch to second person warrants a new stanza at the least to lessen confusion from the switch. Maybe think about it? This is part of the confusion for your subject matter, too, I think. Going from more descriptive to the personal so quickly.

being dumbstruck by your own shadow. I saw; And this is where the reader has a thought-bubble "wtf?" Where did first person come from? The same goes for the last few lines. Where does this first person/second person contrast come from, in light of the first three lines, which are so strong?
you’d played dumb to the pale moon’s iris;
you played dumb, looked away,
played dum de dum, de dum, and during
this eclipse, ho hum, my fingers beat
the drum of my temple. I like the sound of drums you can hear, here, I'm just not sure how it contributes to the poem.




I think the problem here is that you have what is parts of several different poems all together. The first three lines are good, but aren't related to the rest of the poem until the word "eclipse" and "pale moon" which then confuses the reader. Also, the "I" persona is taking on which perspective? The Sun? Or the moon? Or something else? It's unclear, which is also confusing. Or is there more than those three in the poem? I'm not sure how much I've helped, rather I've just pointed out what I find confusing, which may or may not help you. So! If you have any questions about what I've said, please PM me! If you think I can help you further, please PM me! I'm happy to attempt! I really like what you've started in your first three lines, and I'd love to see where those lines take you -- I just don't think the resolution is the poem you have here. You have sensory confusion and overload, and I don't think that's what you wanted for this poem.

In any event! If this is anything to judge by, I want to see more from you!

Bek

I agree with Mesh in that the poem is rather...vague...and as much as I think that's part of its charm, I feel that it needs to be more firmly grounded for the fantastic imagery and sound to have a proper impact.

The ashes of night were drawing circles
this morning on the skin of sky,
in light speckles of cold, and of dust;

My favorite lines in this poem. If the rest of the poem, which is decent, were as good as this, it'd really take off. I disagree with Mesh here, I think "ashes of night" is more pleasing to the ear than "night ashes"; it's more natural, it flows, and the rhythm works a lot better with the lines that follow. For the same reasons, I like the separation of cold and dust. Overall, I love these lines because they make me reread them..the images are perpetually intriguing.

before, you’d grasped the golden dusk
in flowers wreathed in the tongues of the sun,
being dumbstruck by your own shadow.

The second half of the sentence gets a little too wordy, particularly the line beginning with "in flowers..." I'm not really sure I like that line at all. Something should be there, because I don't think you can just say "before, you'd grasped the golden dusk,/ being dumbstruck by your own shadow." But I don't feel that "in flowers wreathed in the tongues of the sun" really serves a purpose there.
You might also consider this making it its own sentence; it would make the beginning of the poem a little less bulky without much changing the flow.

I saw;
you’d played dumb to the pale moon’s iris;
you played dumb, looked away,
played dum de dum, de dum, and during
this eclipse, ho hum, my fingers beat
the drum of my temple.

Here's where the poem started to falter. While I often enjoy the use of onomatopoeia and that sort of thing in poetry, here I feel it was thrown in a little haphazardly. I also feel that this part of the poem is too removed from the beginning...I feel like I've gotten lost and walked off a trail into a wood that's very lovely, but I still want to get to my destination, and I haven't gotten there or gotten proper directions by the end of the poem.

Oh, I did like critiquing this one...this is the sort of thing that makes me want to write poetry, and I wish that my poetry could be so carefree. I mean, ashes of night drawing circles on the skin of sky? Yeah! Welcome to YWS!

-Colleen

Ooo I chose a good person to stalk, I am relieved. "Skin of sky" I really like that, makes me think of the sky as milk skin, only blue. And the you played dum de dum, quite clever. e.e. cummingish. Just keep in mind that the poems that really touch people mean something, even if the reader that is touched doesn't understand it, you poet should. You mean something and are not just spouting words that sound icey chill together right?

Heh thanks for the comments guys, I agree that the meaning isn't clear, and if I were to revise it I'd have to ground the piece more. I'd probably have to actually elaborate on who the "you" and "I" characters are, but when I first wrote it it was really just a prettied-up rant at a friend I was pissed at, which kinda explains how the idea seems so tangent-like. I don't think elaboration wouldn't add much interest.

And because of the fact that it was inspired by something in the past, I dunno if there's any chance I'll have the interest to go back to this and fix it up.

Though I get what you mean, Meshugenah, about the whole condensation of words, I'm going with Cade with the rythym thing. I can be the same way about condensing, but I don't really like the result sometimes, since it it always somehow comes out a little stiff, boring.

So...thanks again for the comments; this piece could use work.


...though in a way it echoes, because the meaning was that the "you" couldn't see the meaning (the dark side of the moon) so since you can't quite see the characters, you get no personal meaning from it yourself. It echoes of elusiveness; I win!

I think it's very important for your audience to understand a poem. If this poem is just for yourself, it's fabulous. I wouldn't change a thing. I actually like the fact that the structure is a bit off, it reminds me a lot of e.e. cummings, so that can't be bad. But, e.e. cummings in all his elusiveness of "Old Age Sticks," still had a message that was elegantly conveyed to the reader and a beautiful message at that. I can't call your poetry beautiful, because I don't understand it and I can't really critique it any other way. As far as content wise, you started off general with night and day and then you incorporated (quite beautifully) the weaving of "you" and "i" and I really quite liked it, but I didn't know what message you wanted to leave the reader with. it had pretty imagery, but it left me dangling. So, I think you need to edit it by adding your message or somehow conveying more clearly the purpose of the poem.


Oh, and just so people know what I am taking about this is e.e. cummings "Old Age Sticks" poem. I think it strikes a similar string to the one written and it's one of my favorite poems, so Good job!

old age sticks
up Keep
Off
signs)&

youth yanks them
down(old
age
cries No

Tres)&(pas)
youth laughs
(sing
old age

scolds Forbid
den Stop
Must
n't Don't

&)youth goes
right on
gr
owing old

-e.e. cummings

As those before me said, I believe that this poem has no obvious meaning, well not to us of course because only you know why you decided to write this. Though I won't criticize your choice of words or pull apart your sentences, I will tell you that this needs some help. Your title is simply breathtaking and if you scrap some of the parts in this piece you can take advantage of being born from the sun.
My favorite line:

The ashes of night were drawing circles

This line starts off the poem beautifully but then you sort of ramble which draws the reader away. Think about what you have here and ask yourself 'what am I trying to say with this poem' Remember, this is supposed have a voice of its own. It shouldn't need explanation, it should just be but at the same time we should know what you were trying to convey.
I wish you all the well on fixing this,
Keep Writing,
Angel