never give more than you take

Never take more than you give

Soaring high above the sea

Dipping low and falling free;

Gliding lightly on summer breeze

Turning deftly with practiced ease,

Dropping fast towards the ground

Heart pumps above the sound

Of wind racing in my ears

As eyes freely brim with tears

Determined not to see my fate

I turn my eyes away and wait!

Suddenly I soar away

Nothing else matters today

I’m flying now high and free

above the world that captivated me

absorbed, lost in its wonder

Ignoring man and his plunder,

Of truly magnificent habitats and reaches

The call of the wild to them beseeches

To destroy, maim and lust for more

Like some forgotten Roman whore.

But never do they look above,

To the finch and sparrow or bright breasted dove

And see the simple ways they live-

Never take more than you give



I wrote this story while watching a bird in flight, I tried to capture how it must feel.
I hope you enjoy it

*EDITE*- Thxs for that review I tried to slip in "Nothing else matters today" but it feels... wrong . If anyone has any tips to improve this will be greatly appreciated

alright, so this was pretty good. i just have a few things to point out.

Suddenly I soar away

Everything else falls away.

Here, you rhymed away with away. I'm not sure how you could change it, but today would be good to use somewhere. like, "Everything else falls today..." or...no. that didn't sound right. I'd suggest changing it to something else, though.

Wandering, lost in its wonder

Ignoring man in his plunder,

In the first line, is wandering really the best word? Aren't you flying?
and in the second, "and his plunder" would work too. you can decide which works best.

To destroy and main and lust for more

I do believe you meant to say maim.

overall, this was a very nice, light poem. you lost the flow a few times, but they were barely noticeable.

good job!


GC10

i think i can wrote:Soaring high above the sea
Dipping low and falling free;
Gliding lightly on summer breeze
Turning deftly with practiced ease,
Dropping fast towards the ground
Heart pumps above the sound
Of wind racing in my ears
As eyes freely brim with tears
Determined not to see my fate
I turn my eyes away and wait!

=] I like this. Your rhyme scheme is good, doesn't seem forced to me. I like especially the first two lines, the feeling of up and down is really well portrayed. I felt like I was swooping and flying with the persona. I don't think you need the exclamation mark though, your language is enough to show the excitment of the flight.

i think i can wrote:Suddenly I soar away
Nothing else matters today
I’m flying now high and free
above the world that captivated me
absorbed, lost in its wonder
Ignoring man and his plunder,
Of truly magnificent habitats and reaches
The call of the wild to them beseeches
To destroy, maim and lust for more
Like some forgotten Roman whore.
But never do they look above,
To the finch and sparrow or bright breasted dove
And see the simple ways they live-
Never take more than you give

I don't think I like the rhyme of away and today - it does fit well but it's not a very easy rhyme.
I think you should put a comma, "I'm flying now, high and free."
"of truly" -> that shouldn't have a capital O.
You forgot the last . at the end of this stanza.
Great ending =]

I like the message of this poem, the one thing I don't understand really is the message about "fate", why in the first stanza are the eyes filling with tears? I don't think I missed anything, could you explain that more clearly?