Let go

3 posts
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Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 27
I used to be apart of the world of the living,
but now it’s just a once upon a time,
because it’s like I was never here now,
and it’s like I was never gone.

When I was young I remember,
being with family and friends,
having so much fun,
I had thought it would never end.

That I suppose is now a fairy tale too,
for the house that I lived in is empty,
there’s not a soul to be seen inside,
all that is left are a few photos left behind.

When I was at the brink of death,
I thought of who I would miss most,
at the time only one person,
had come into my dying mind.

He was the only one that I thought of,
my mind only allowed his memories to enter,
but the really sad truth about it was,
I didn’t want it to be him.

I fell for him when we first met,
because I thought he was so cute,
but as we got to know each other,
I fell so deep in love.

He only knew that I had a crush on him,
he did not know the whole reason why,
the reason why I love him though,
is because he’s the perfect guy.

We shared so much in common,
and had so many conversations,
at one time I thought that he felt the same,
but I know now that it was just him being nice.

Before I left this world though,
with my very last breath,
I said, “I’ll love you always and forever”,
and hoped that he heard me.

Now all I do is sit and watch,
over all those that I left,
being their personal guardian angel,
instead of being their friend.

I visit all of them everyday,
though they can’t see that I’m there,
I tell them that I’ll always be there,
and that we’ll always be friends.

They just look right through me,
which makes me so sad,
that I can’t hold them anymore,
or give them a helping hand.

Then when I think I’m all alone,
I hear a voice say my name,
and as I go to my grave,
I see him there sitting against it.

I went over to see what he was saying,
his voice sounded so sad,
like a violin playing it’s finale tune,
it made me want to cry, yet no tears fell.

He said, “Why’d you leave me in this world,
all alone with no one to hold,
no one to be by my side,
and be with me when everything has gone cold.”

I went straight to him,
and held him all that I could,
then I noticed that he felt warm,
and that he was starring at my face.

A silence had fallen over us,
Like that of the calm sea,
only hearing the faint sound,
that was known as the breeze.

We stayed like that for a long time,
though it felt like forever,
as i slowly faded away,
he knew that it was time,
to finally let me go.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 192
This was posted in 2007 and there are no reviews?
Well, that's a shame. I'll review for you!

Uo wrote:I used to be apart of the world of the living,
but now it’s just a once upon a time,
because it’s like I was never here now,
and it’s like I was never gone.
Those last 2 lines confused me. Do you mean 'because it's like I was never there now'?

When I was young I remember,
being with family and friends,
having so much fun,
I had thought it would never end.
I don't like this stanza... I feel it doesn't fit and is unnecessary.

That I suppose is now a fairy tale too,
for the house that I lived in is empty,
there’s not a soul to be seen inside,
all that is left are a few photos left behind.
I like this stanza a lot. I get a gloomy, sad feeling from it.

When I was at the brink of death,
I thought of who I would miss most,
at the time only one person,
had come into my dying mind.

He was the only one that I thought of,
my mind only allowed his memories to enter,
but the really sad truth about it was,
I didn’t want it to be him.
Try adding this and the previous stanza together. No need for them being apart. I also like the last 2 lines of this stanza... it makes me ask questions, in a good way.

I fell for him when we first met,
because I thought he was so cute,
but as we got to know each other,
I fell so deep in love.
Replace 'but' with 'and'.

He only knew that I had a crush on him,
he did not know the whole reason why,
the reason why I love him though,
is because he’s the perfect guy.
Hmmm... this is confusing and the rhyming is forced. You should ditch the rhyming anyway... it's irregular and it ruins the rhythm. Let's try a rewrite shall we:
He thought I had a crush on him;
he didn't know the whole.
The reason why I love him
is because he's the perfect guy.
...Or something like that. Sorry it wasn't very good... I had to come up with this very quickly
:wink:

We shared so much in common,
and had so many conversations,
at one time I thought that he felt the same,
but I know now that it was just him being nice.

Before I left this world though,
with my very last breath,
I said, “I’ll love you always and forever”,
and hoped that he heard me.
Cute! this stanza was very cute!

Now all I do is sit and watch,
over all those that I left,
being their personal guardian angel,
instead of being their friend.
Me no likey this stanza. Switch it up or get rid of it.

I visit all of them everyday,
though they can’t see that I’m there,
I tell them that I’ll always be there,
and that we’ll always be friends.

They just look right through me,
which makes me so sad,
that I can’t hold them anymore,
or give them a helping hand.
Ahhh, that makes me sad, too!

Then when I think I’m all alone,
I hear a voice say my name,
and as I go to my grave,
I see him there [s]sitting against it[/s].

I went over to see what he was saying,
his voice sounded so sad,
like a violin playing it’s finale tune,
it made me want to cry, yet no tears fell.

He said, “Why’d you leave me in this world,
all alone with no one to hold,
no one to be by my side,
and be with me when everything has gone cold.”
Ditch the rhyming.

I went straight to him,
and held him with all that I could,
then I noticed that he felt warm,
and that he was starring at my face.

A silence had fallen over us,
Like that of the calm sea,
only hearing the faint sound,
that was known as the breeze.

We stayed like that for a long time,
[s]though[/s] it felt like forever,
as i slowly faded away,
he knew that it was time,
to finally let me go.


This has the potential to be a a lot stronger and more emotional. But I feel as though I'm wasting effort; after all, I'm sure you've forgotten about this.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 14
Wow. I really liked this a lot.
It makes me feel a bit nostalgic.
When you mentioned the pictures, for some reason it made me think of time passing by.
I still wonder though...
Did he really love her or was he just being nice?
I think he loved her! :D
Anyways I thought it was VERY good.
..Now you've got me thinking of the past. Lol.
But yeah, it was very good, and well written.

-Ashley :D
"I fall asleep in hospital parking lots." -Hello Seattle, Owl City



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