A thousand ways to mix up my poetry

-The ways my mind works- Alberto

I have a reason to believe,
That you have lost these things,
The way you felt for me so long ago.

Each way I find myself screaming,
Becoming the person I feared,
Inside my haunted dreams,
Bleeding from my hands,
Seeing your gone a other time,
Words can't explain,
The way I felt.


I have a reason to believe,
That you have lost your fears,
That I become a thing,
Just for sale,
Tomorrow's clearance,
Tomorrow's ways are dead,
How do I become,
The light for myself.

Hear the beat of the drum,
Hear the echoes off the walls,
WAIT!
I lost the truth,
The way you held my tight,
Times have never been so... fail.
Is all I hear in my head,
Its the fear of destruction.

How I know you are so far away from me,
How I don't write a thing for me,
Its all for you.

I want to dance upon my own grave,
Throwing rose pedals in the rain,
As god says,
"Do you know. I'm afraid,
I am lost and alone.
Wearing darker shades the black,
To see you away."

How do you cure?
How do you cure this?
How does anything live without you.
How does breathing become a task to think of.
How do I write your memories inside my head,
If you always scream here,
Telling me that I'm nothing,
Still I love you!
Still I write for you!
Still I believe.

Wow, this is emotionally intense. This is probably the best "lament for one's lost love" poem I've ever read. You have good style and your imagery is good, but there's some things that you should look at:

I have a reason to believe (no comma, this is one whole idea)
That you have lost these things,
The way you felt for me so long ago.

Each way I find myself screaming,
Becoming the person I feared,
Inside my haunted dreams,
Bleeding from my hands,
Seeing you're gone another time,
Words can't explain (no comma)
The way I feel (don't switch around the tense).

I have a reason to believe (no comma)
That you have lost your fears,
That I became (tense trouble) a thing (no comma)
Just for sale,
Tomorrow's clearance. or ;
Tomorrow's ways are dead; or .
How do I become (no comma)
The light for myself.

Hear the beat of the drum,
Hear the echoes off the walls.
WAIT!
I lost the truth,
The way you held me tight. or ;
Times have never been so ... (MLA rule: spaces between ellipses and everything around it) fail (do you mean, "frail"?)
Is all I hear in my head, (; might be more appropriate)
It's the fear of destruction.

How I know you are so far away from me,
How I don't write a thing for me,
It's all for you. (The "how"s make this stanza sound a bit weird / not make sense)

I want to dance upon my own grave,
Throwing rose pedals in the rain,
As god says,
"Do you know? I'm afraid,
I am lost and alone.
Wearing darker shades the black, (doesn't make sense)
To see you away."

How do you cure? (Incomplete sentence)
How do you cure this?
How does anything live without you?
How does breathing become a task to think of? (awkward sentence)
How do I write your memories (write memories? I understand what you meant, but is there be a better word?) inside my head (no comma)
If you always scream here,
Telling me that I'm nothing.

Still I love you!
Still I write for you!
Still I believe. (I think this should be its own stanza)

This is a great start. Keep writing!

Hey, Vow_of_Silence!

Hmm. I liked the atmosphere and the emotion in this poem, but I feel you have a lot of punctuation problems. It also kind of disturbed me that the stanzas aren't equal, the sturcture is a bit random, if you know what I mean.

By punctuation problems I mean that you use very much of commas, for example, in places where they shouldn't be.

I have a reason to believe,

That you have lost these things

Words can't explain,

The way I felt.

That I become a thing,

Just for sale

How do I become,

The light for myself.

These are the parts where you need to delete the commas.

How I know you are so far away from me,

How I don't write a thing for me,

Its all for you.

This stanza is a little random and vague. Read it out loud. Does it flow well to you? Is there anything you could change about it? Also, you need an apostrophe in the "its".

As god says,

Do you mean any god or some certain one? If it's the latter, I think you should capitalize it.


The emotion is great, the structure is not. But as jMin said, it's a good start.


See you around!
Demeter xx

Hey! It's a nice start and like jMin said..it actually is pretty emotionally intense. There were some grammar errors and lines that were out of place...at least to me.

I'm not 100% sure, but the rhythm was different....if YOU wanted a certain rhythm. If you didn't it's obviously fine.

Tomorrow's clearance. or ;
Tomorrow's ways are dead

This line actually fits pretty well, but I--personally-- wouldn't use the word tomorrow 2 times like you did.

Hear the beat of the drum,
Hear the echoes off the walls.

This is my favorite line. I'm not exactly sure why...I do this in other comments too. I tell the writer what line is my favorite...yet I don't seem to know why. I'm kinda frustrated with myself for that. In my head I can hear a nice steady beat and can see someone's hands....uhm...drumming on it. haha but yeah.

The way you held my tight

Did you mean "me" instead of "my". You probably did, and it was just a typing error...maybe.

Just watch your commas and know where to put the periods.
Overall this is a very good start and has a nice feeling to it. There's some potential here.

Good work, Keep Writing!

_______________________
_horsez919