this night

Sight whirls
legs turn to jelly.
Down the throat of a whale
and into the belly
Black swirls
body goes numb,
don't turn your back on the door
just a rule of thumb.
The moon howls,
dawn is near,
the monsters of the night
fall away in fear.
The stop sign glows,
high beams dim,
either way you go
the future is grim.

Sight whirls you might want to change this to light swirls or something like that, mainly because later you say black swirls.

legs turn to jelly.

Down the throat of a whale what?

and into the belly

Black swirls

body goes numb,

don't turn you back on the door this and the line following aren't really very flowy to me

just a rule of thumb.

The moon howls, moons can howl?

dawn is near,

the monsters of the night

fall away in fear.

The stop sign glows,

high beams dim, high beams?

either way you go

the future is grim. i'd suggest 'your future'

i dont really get the concept of this poem, but i guess you do.

overall, its pretty good.

k, first I'm not being literal when i said the moon howls, and high beams are on a car.

Very good. I like the rhyming poems you tend to come up with.

don't turn you back on the door
just a rule of thumb.

This one part didn't really fit for me. Obviously you have to find a word that rhymes with numb, and you chose thumb. In the beginning you have short little lines then there comes "don't turn your back on the door". It's a bit longer..obviously, but sort-of breaks the rhythm of the poem, maybe it's just me. Also, not a big deal but you wrote "dont turn you back to the door" did you mean you or your?

Anyway...I like your poem a lot.

Keep Writing!

This poems flows very nicely, i like how you brake up your sentences in each line.
I'm not reallh sure i get what its about, but i have some ideas,
Maybe it's susposed to be like that.
PM and tell me about it. K?

Sight whirls

legs turn to jelly.---- don't think you need a .

Down the throat of a whale

and into the belly--- good rhyme put in a .

Black swirls

body goes numb,

don't turn your back on the door

just a rule of thumb.

The moon howls,

dawn is near,

the monsters of the night

fall away in fear.--- it would sound better if you take away "away"

The stop sign glows,

high beams dim,

either way you go

the future is grim.


over all it was preety good but it wasn't mind blowing

keep writing

---Jon---