The Four Leafed Clover Number Twenty Nine

Once I found a four leafed clover lying on the ground,
The moment I picked it up my whole life turned around,
I held it close and wished I wished for a pure white horse,
Try and guess what happened next! My wish appeared of course!
I looked down at my clover and what a shock to see,
To see a tiny smiling face, smiling back at me!
“Hi, my name is four leafed clover number twenty nine,
Your free to wish upon me without a single fine!”
I rubbed my eyes in wonder to see if I would find,
That the former two minutes, happened in my mind,
But when I glanced back again, the smile was still there,
"Alright then I wish for a yoat if you've got one spare!"
"Of course my dear anything, your wish is my command!"
And yet again it happened, almost like it was planned,
A small blue boat appeared with flapping ivory sails,
Along the blue body it had tiny wave details,
"Wow I can't believe this? Is this what it seems to be?”
“Of course if you just believe in me” He said with glee
“Lozzen we need to go!” My mother called me over,
“I'll be back tomorrow.” I told the four leafed clover,
I set him down then skipped away to my mother's side,
I did not know the four leafed clover travelled world-wide,
I couldn't find that clover again but I don't care,
I know he is granting people's wishes everywhere!



I'm not too keen on parts of this poem and could really do with some help! Thanks!

First of all, let me say I liked this. Then let me apologise in advance, because I've changed it to try and give you ideas of how to make the rhythm even tighter:

lozzen wrote:Once, I found a four-leafed clover lying on the ground. - You could also just say 'four-leaf clover', but that's personal preference.
The moment that I picked it up, my whole life turned around.
I held it close and wished that I could own a pure white horse.
Try and guess what happened next... my wish appeared, of course!
I looked at the four-leafed clover and what a shock to see -
A tiny little nose and mouth were smiling back at me!
“Hello, my name is four-leafed clover number twenty nine,
And you are free to wish on me without a single fine!” This rhyme's a little too forced.
I rubbed my eyes in wonder to discover if I’d find
That the previous two minutes had happened in my mind,
But, when I glanced back again, the smile was still there,
"Alright then, I wish for a boat, if you've got one spare!" - This was what you meant!
"Why, of course, dear, anything, your wish is my command!"
And yet again it happened, almost like it had been planned: This is a little forced too.
A tiny sea-blue boat appeared with flapping ivory sails,
And all along the [s]blue[/s] body it had tiny wave details.
"Wow, I can't believe this! Is it what it seems to be?”
He gleefully replied, “Of course, if you believe in me!”
“Lozzen we need to go now!” my mother called me over.
“I'll be back tomorrow!” I said to the four-leafed clover.
I set him down then skipped away toward my mother's side;
I did not know the four-leafed clover travelled worldwide.
I couldn't find that clover again but I do not care, - Not sure if this is any better for the rhythm!
Because I know he’s granting people's wishes everywhere!

The couple of issues I could see were that you tried so hard to get it to rhyme in places that it sounded forced, and that the rhythm was a little off at times. The rhythm is easy enough to fix – I’ve made some suggestions above but, of course, since it’s your poem, you have to make them work for you. Also, I'd check punctuation because I'm not sure if my suggestions are the best options!

Aside from this, I think it would make a lovely poem for children!

Edit: Welcome to YWS! Just remember the 2:1 rule - for every piece you post, you should make two reviews first.

Thank you so much that was really helpful! I know the rhyming was a little forced but i didn't really know what to put next (which doesn't sound too good does it) you've been a great help thank you!

lozzen wrote:Once I found a four leafed clover
Lying on the ground,

breaking the line into an ABAB rhyme scheme rather than couplets may make the rhythm easier for the reader to spot and catch on to.

The moment that I picked it up
My whole life turned around.
I held it close and wished [s]I[/s] a wish[s]ed[/s]

is that what you meant? I wasn't quite sure

For a pure white horse,
Try and guess what happened next[s]![/s] ...
My wish appeared of course! love this line! It's probably my fave!
I looked down at my clover
And what a shock to see,
To see a tiny smiling face,
Smiling [s]back[/s] up at me!

I like the repitition on here. It's a Good technique

“[s]Hi[/s] Hello, my name is four leafed clover
just me being picky as usual
Number twenty nine.
You're free to wish upon me
Without a single fine!”
this line doesn't quite feel right. consider rewording it.
I rubbed my eyes in wonder (good line here)
To see if I would find
That the past [s]former[/s] two minutes
had it been that long?
Had happened in my mind.
But when I peaked [s]glanced[/s] back again,
'peaked' just seemed more apropriate.
The [s]smile[/s] grin was still right there,
just adding words to make syllables per line add up to what you usually use in this poem
"Alright then... I wish for a [s]y[/s]boat,
If you've got one spare!" i really like that line!
"Of course my dear! Anything!
Your wish is my command!" also a good line
And yet again, I got my wish - [s]it happened, [/s]
[s]Almost like it was planned,[/s] A boat was soon at hand!
just a small suggestion if you found it hard to rhyme with command!
A small blue boat appeared at once,
With flapping ivory sails, lovely description
Along the [s]blue[/s] wooden body
It had tiny waves and wales. [s]details,[/s]
just a suggestion, again.
"I just can't believe this [s]?[/s] !
Is this what it seems to be?”
“Of course it is, my friend... As long as
[s]if[/s]You just believe in me.” [s]He said with glee.[/s]
“Come on Loz[s]zen[/s], we need to go!”
MAYBE take the name out. It's nice to keep it optional for a poem about a younger child, i think.
My mother called me over.
“I'll be back tomorrow.”
I told the four leafed clover.

I like the rhyme of over and clover. Very well thought up, but i thought that maybe you might want to change the start of that last line a little, to vary it. Maybe to something like 'grinning' clover instead of four leaved? Is it leaved or leafed? AHH! I DONT KNOW!! Anyway, or maybe 'i whisper to the' clover. Maybe? Think about it.

I set him down then skipped away
i like that, it makes the character seem younger.
To my mother's side,
I did not know the four leafed clover
Travelled world-wide,
I couldn't find that clover again but I don't care,
I know he is granting people's wishes everywhere!

These last few lines are a little awkward. I like the idea a lot, but i wasn't sure what you meant by 'i didn't know the four leafed clover travelled world-wide'. Did you mean at the time and that he'd already disapeared? I rewrote it below to give you some ideas, but don't feel you have to change it at all!

I didn't know the clover
was travelling world-wide!
After that he disappeared
But less i couldn't care,
For i know he'd granting wishes
For people
Everywhere!

WOOHOO i love that last word! the last few lines are really good, but the rhythm just doesn't quite fit, so i hope my suggestions help! Over all, Lozenge, i really loved this poem.

It had a really whimsical feel to it, like it was being told by a child. Loved the idea. Really good. Top notch. Wooo.

I really hope i've helped! speak later. from Charlie. ^^

well, the two reviews before me pretty much covered everything. just listen to them and it'll make the piece even better!

this is a great children's poem!

keep up the good work!

-GC10

it's a really good poem and i like the way that the focus is mainly for children, but the thing is that sometimes the rhyme appears to be forced. it sounds like you're trying to do something a little bit like doctor seuss and the thing about him was the whole iambic pentameter thing. don't force the rhyme and maybe write it as though you yourself are a child that is actually experiencing the event. sort of like writing for character with all other things aside. but overall this was a good piece and i applaud your efforts.