Autumn rises, falls, and fades away

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Tess Poe
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:31 pm
Tess Poe says... · Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:31 pm
This is my 100 word entry for JabberHut's Autumn contest. I have tried my very best not to repeat any words, but if you do detect a word appearing twice, please let me know.
The title is included in the 100 words.
Here goes:
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Autumn rises, falls, and fades away
-
Summer shatters, broken pieces
Timidly, she quickly flashes
Pocket full of withered posies
Please, bring back her blackened ashes

Leaves will leave their trees in fall
Falling now, they cover all
Cloaking smoke, guilt evoked:
Time to mend the hearts we broke

On these homesick blue-black skies
Dust dissolves, a blackbird flies
Gorgeous green is turning gold
Let your worn-out wings unfold

What comes up must soon calm down
But my spirit never frowns
Even during late November
Deep inside me glows an ember

Still, I often wonder why
Blooming flowers always die.

---

~Tess
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
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User avatar
kris
Gender Male
Points 1172
Reviews 112
Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:21 pm
kris says... · Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:21 pm
WOW! this is such a beautiful poem, I honestly, really enjoyed reading this.
The devices in your poem; where very well chosen - very evocotive.
There weren't any grammatical or punctuation problem...Then again, i have never been the best with punctuation. :P Alas, failure! thy name is Kris!

Leaves will leave their trees in fall
Falling now, they cover all

So visceral! I'd remove the comma from now and move it to fall...it would make the read much smoother.

On these homesick blue-black skies
Dust dissolves, a blackbird flies
Gorgeous green is turning gold
Let your worn-out wings unfold

I have 1 problem with this stanza. Blue-black is very awkward, I'd change it to something more descriptive. Also it seems to seem like lazy writing when "blackbird" turns up...It just feels wrong.
Your rhyme between "gold" and "unfold" is soooo, soooo very lovely. ^^ ME LIKEY!
Let your worn-out wings unfold
Is just such a delicately crafted line. MY FAVORITE!! :D

Still, I often wonder why
Blooming flowers always die.

To any sane reader, this final stanza would be perfectly fine...Unfortunately for you, i am not. When put up against the rest of your very sublime imagery and thought processes...it seems very, very week indeed. I might re-think or omit it. I think perhaps ending with your "wings unfold" line would end the poem perfectly - but I'm just musing :P

In conclusion! This is a wonderful poem :D Please keep it up.

Love
Kris
x
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2 posts


You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
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