Chapter one: meeting the problem

“Mom, have you ever thought that maybe I don’t want to meet this Kaylee person. That maybe I want to go practice my double axle so I can nail it in the competition tomorrow.” Carissa said bluntly. Her phone started to vibrate on the lawn chair next to her. She slowly reached for it and saw it was a text from her boyfriend Evan. A blue bird flew by them in the sky as they were tanning under the special made lights in the backyard of the Harpers Estate.

Carissa Harper is one of the best ice skaters in New York, Manhattan. Her family owns one of the largest soda companies in the whole fifty states even though Carissa can’t drink it they still sell it. She is starting her sophomore year at Bay view Private school. Needless to say she rules the school. The first year Carissa went to Bay view they had just made some changes, like letting guys in the school. Before that year it was a girl’s only private school. They made the changes because of the fiasco that happened in 1917.

Carissa had hoped by the time she got to high school that they would let guys in, and her wish came true. The fiasco that had happened in 1917 was something that was forbidden to be talked about at the school. And like most rules at Bay view it was broken. Carissa got up out of her lawn chair and stared at her mother.

“Rissa, darling you have to be here when they come over to visit. Ms. Emerson is one of my closest friends and she just got a divorce with her husband and God knows how hard I tried to get her to move here to New York from Kansas. So please be nice to her daughter Kaylee. She is a very sweet girl and I know you and her will be the best of friends.” Carissa glassy green eyes now looked at her mother with horror. Friends… the very word made her shiver.

To even think a girl born and raised in Kansas could every be her friend or at least make it to acquaintances with her was unthinkable. This girl Kaylee probably doesn’t know the difference between a coach purse and a couch. One thing Carissa knew for sure was her life was about to hit rock bottom if she didn’t do something. Carissa stormed away from her mom as fast as she could wiping out her cell phone like a murder weapon.

She started to I.M her friend Alexis or known around the school as ‘Sexy Lexi’. Alexis Carter has been Carissa’s friend since they were in Jr. High. If anyone could tell you that you look ugly today and you also need a breath mint she was the girl to do it.

Beautycutie19: Lex we have a minor problem on our hands.

Sexilexi23: What do you mean a minor problem? We make problems not have them.

Beautycutie19: I mean a Kansas girl is going to our school and get this my mom and that girl’s mom are friends. And guess who that girl’s babysitter will be... Me!!!

Sexilexi23: Well, it looks like we do have a minor problem. Let’s bring on the welcoming party……

Beautiful_fencer is now online.

Beautiful_fencer: What did I miss??

Sexilexi23: Nothing we just solved the problem…. Gtg and will catch you up later.
Xoxoxo,
Lexis boo xp

Sexilexi23 signed off….

Beautycutie19: gtg see you tomorrow at school. Carissa babe

Beautycutie19 signed off….

Beautiful_fencer signed off….

Carissa closed her phone as a smile swept slowly crossed her face. “Let the welcoming begin.” She said softly to herself. Carissa stop walking when she saw a car pull in the driveway. Her smile faded as she knew who was in the car.

“Mom, why did we have to move from Kansas to this place again?” Kaylee asked curiously. She folded her arms together while she waited for her mom to answer her question. The car came to a complete stop and her mother gentle put on the breaks of the car. A sigh then escaped her mother’s lips as she turned around to face Kaylee.

“You and I both know we needed a new start and well quite frankly dear this is for the best. Even though you don’t see it now it is. You’ll make new friends here. Now, we are going to meet Mr. and Miss Harper and their daughter so be on your best behavior and try not to be so sarcastic.” Kaylee’s mom said. Kaylee shook her head and opened the car door to get out.

Her indigo eyes glisten in the sun as she looked at the Estate. A two story, off white building stood a few steps away from where Kaylee was standing. The wind blew hard as it caught a piece of Kaylee's bangs. She moved the piece shyly back in place. The sound of a car door slamming caught the air and in thirty seconds flat Kaylee’s mother, Jane was standing side by side with Kaylee.

They both started to walk up to the porch together. Step by step they took inching their way toward the house looking everywhere, but straight. When the door finally stood in front of them Kaylee looked at her mother and smiled gently. Her mother knocked on the door three times and it opened. A lady about five eight, honey blond hair, green eyes was standing in the doorway smiling at us.

“My; my look at you Kaylee you’ve grown up to be a beautiful girl.” The lady said. She turned to my mom and they both screamed and an embrace took place. Kaylee watch her mother Jane hug the lady with such passion, like they were long lost sisters finally meeting for the first time. They both smiled at each other taking in each aspect that was different between them.

“And where is your lovely daughter right now?” Jane asked curiously. The lady stared at us a few seconds trying to comprehend what Jane said. “Oh! Carissa dear are guess are here. Come down from your room!” The stomping of someone coming down the stairs quickly filled the room. A girl about 5’6, dirty blond hair, and glassy green eyes walked off the last stair and headed towards us. Her lushes’ straight hair rested still on her shoulders. She looked as if she were going to a modeling gig for seventeen magazine. Kaylee quickly looked down at the floor.

Carissa flipped her hair slightly as she saw two girls standing on the door step. “Mother, did you not invite them in. I’m sorry for my mothers rudeness please come in.” Carissa gestured her hands inside of the house. Kaylee curtsies and enter the house. Carissa’s thoughts ran wild. Great a mannered Kansas girl and what is she wearing? A gray skirt with a white shirt and black spenders!!! She is definitely a problem.

Carissa’s thoughts were interrupted by Jane asking about Bay view Private school and how is it there. Carissa nodded slightly and slipped her hand under her chin. A smile faded a crossed her face as she told Jane all about the private school.

This was a good story concept/plot.

The mechanics were...horrendous.

Go through and edit it; you have multiple spelling, capitalization and punctuation errors.
You switch verb tenses, and move between third-person P.O.V. and first-person P.O.V.
Try not to make it sound so rushed.

I did like the overall concept of it, though.
Good job.


Keep it comin'.

A blue bird flew by them in the sky as they were tanning under the special made lights in the backyard of the Harpers Estate.

Special made lights = special-made lights.
Also, I suggest nixing this entire sentence. That blue bird is useless and not necessary. Mention the setting in some other way.

In the second paragraph you switch to present tense. A story should always remain in the same tense the entire way through. Past tense is when you use verbs in the past form, i.e. "walked", "went", "did", in comparison to the present tense "walks, goes, does".

Her family owns one of the largest soda companies in the whole fifty states even though Carissa can’t drink it they still sell it

This needs to be seperated into two sentences. I suggest: "... in the whole fifty states; even though Carissa can't drink it, they still sell it." And why can't she drink it? Do you address this point?

Needless to say she rules the school

Should be: "Needles to say, she rules the school".

Bay View should be consistently capitilized, unlike what you keep doing: Bay view.

To even think a girl born and raised in Kansas could ever[s]y[/s] be her friend or at least make it to acquaintances with her was unthinkable

I like the snobbery here, despite the typo. She's gonna learn otherwise! Haha.

Carissa stormed away from her mom as fast as she could,(comma) wiping out her cell phone like a murder weapon

Wiping should probably be whipping.

Ooh... I like the IM chat in the story. Except you say it's an IM and it switches into a chat. You should mention that change.

You and I both know we needed a new start and well quite frankly dear this is for the best

commas! This should be "well, quite frankly dear, this is for the best".

Step by step they took inching their way toward the house looking everywhere, but straight

That comma is not necessary. It disrupts the flow of the sentence.

“My; my look at you Kaylee you’ve grown up to be a beautiful girl.” The lady said.

It should just be "My, my". Also, don't capitalize "The lady". It should be "the lady". Don't capitalize after dialogue UNLESS it is a pronoun, like a name.

A girl about 5’6, dirty blond hair, and glassy green eyes walked off the last stair and headed towards us.

Don't put height into the writing like that. It should "five foot" or something like that. Also, it's bizarre to describe Carissa like this. She's the main character so far, and so should not be described as "a girl".

You tell a good story, but you need to learn the mechanics of writing. Once you learn, your story will read much better.

Keep it up!

Was kinda confusing.

You might want to go through and edit it.

I still thought the plot was good though. I also liked the characters.

Keep it coming, i wanna see what happens next!

Lizzy

I think as far as the crit of the mechanics of the writing goes, it's been said already.

However, I'm a little confused about the time.
You mention the fiasco of 1917 meaning that changes needed to be made to the school rules.
You also say the rules changed the year before Carissa started at the school.
Presumably, this is 1918?

If so, why are you obviously writing about modern times? (IM, mobiles, cars etc.)

I think you either need to make it clear when this is set. As I'm a little confused....

This was good…but I’m not sure yet how this is a romance novel. I’m guessing we will find out later…?? Well, on to the review!

She slowly reached for it and saw it was a text from her boyfriend Evan.

There should be a comma after “boyfriend”

Her family owns one of the largest soda companies in the whole fifty states even though Carissa can’t drink it they still sell it.

Very confusing sentence. I would try something like this: Her family owns one of the largest soda companies in the whole fifty states. However, Carrissa doesn’t drink one drop of it. You see the difference.

Carissa glassy green eyes now looked at her mother with horror.

The random “now” in this sentence makes the flow very choppy. Try moving it around and try to make it smoother.

Carissa stormed away from her mom as fast as she could wiping out her cell phone like a murder weapon.

Comma after “could”

The car came to a complete stop and her mother gentle put on the breaks of the car.

What?? Confusing sentence. Try: The car came to a complete stop, her mom gently putting on the breaks so the car eased to the front of the driveway. Or something like that.

Oh! Carissa dear are guess are here.

Comma after “dear” and I think you meant “guests” instead of “guess” lol

A smile faded a crossed her face as she told Jane all about the private school.

Huh? I’m not really sure what you are trying to say here…You definitely will want to reread this out loud and you’ll see what I mean.

Now, I do want to show you something else before I get to your story.

When you do dialogue, you usually go like this:

“Doug, I can’t find my shoes,” a very confused mother shouted from her master bedroom.

“They are in the closet, dear, right next to the dryer,” her husband called, irritation coating his words.

Now, do you see how there is a comma instead of a period after ever sentence in the quotations, and then the person or noun that is talking is in lowercase letters….that is how it should be. I noticed that you don’t do that. Like so:

That maybe I want to go practice my double axle so I can nail it in the competition tomorrow.” Carissa said bluntly.

Now, the period after “tomorrow” isn’t needed. Instead, it should be a comma.

Now, we are going to meet Mr. and Miss Harper and their daughter so be on your best behavior and try not to be so sarcastic.” Kaylee’s mom said.

Same with the period after “sarcastic”. Again, not needed. Change it to a comma instead.

Now, you use that for all your dialogue. And I’m sorry I am going through this with you but I myself have just learned this little grammatical knowledge and decided to pass it on to make all the other wiser!

Back to your story…

It was good. But I still don’t quite understand how this is going to be a romance. I guess I will just have to read on and see!