unnamed - chapter 1

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 8
This is just the first chapter of a love story - it doesn't start out as one, but it is. And I have no idea what to name it

WARNING:: there is some language in this...

______________________________________________________________

“Lynn!” Lynn’s mother called from downstairs. She was always such a grump. Especially to Lynn.

Her feet pounded down the old, rotting stairs. “What?” Lynn snapped. If Erica wasn’t in a good mood, she wasn’t in a good mood.

“Don’t talk like that to me, you shit.”

Lynn raised her eyebrows, pursed her lips, and folded her arms. Erica was not in a good mood, it wasn’t going to be pretty.

“I want you to try this to see if it’s still good.” Erica shoved a piece of moldy cheese up to Lynn’s lips. Lynn gently pushed it away, like she was handling a little kid.

“No.”

Erica did a double take. Lynn had never said no to Erica before in her life. Erica slapped Lynn. Hard. Lynn had a red and print on the side of her face.

“What did you say?”

“I said no. Are you that deaf?”

Another hard slap. Lynn winced but didn’t back down. She loved seeing the anger grown on Erica’s face. It was one thing why she stood up to her mother.

“You are going to try it,” Erica growled, prying the rotten cheese in between Lynn’s lips. Lynn refused. She hit Erica’s arm, knocking the cheese to the floor.

“I said no,” Lynn repeated firmly.


Erica looked from the piece of cheese and back to Lynn. Her face grew from shock to red hot anger.

“You ass hole! Never ever hit me. Got that?” She pointed a long, bony finger at Lynn.

“No, I don’t.”

“Ugh, I can’t stand you one more minute! I only wanted you to try this,” she said pointing to the rotten cheese. “To see if it is good to eat. And then you get all nasty about it.”

Lynn hated Erica! She could twist anything. Like this for example…

“To your room.”

Erica marched behind Lynn to her room. She slammed the door, making some of the ceiling fall, and locked it. There was only a lock on the outside, giving Erica the choice if she wanted Lynn in there or not.

Lynn’s stomach growled. He last time she had eaten was this after noon. Her mother had only given her a small bowl of stale cheerios. She knew that she wasn’t going to get anything to eat for a few days.

Lynn’s room wasn’t much – only a bed, a dresser, and a small mirror. The room was lit by one small light bulb that was almost dead, there were no windows.

In overall her bedroom was as crappy as the rest of the house. The stairs were unstable; you could fall if you didn’t watch were you stepped. The roof was going to fall at any minute. The carpet was encrusted with layers of dirt and dust. The whole house was falling apart.

Lynn was surprised the government didn’t make them move out – considering that the house was so unstable. She wished they would. Then Erica would be exposed and she would be free of her. Maybe. Erica was always good at hiding things.

She opened the bottom dresser drawer. A mouse had made it’s nest in there, out of the assortment of old, must clothes that were in there.

“Hey Alfred, how are you doin’?”

She picked the chestnut colored fur ball up. She had developed a liking to Alfred, her only friend. He was always there when she needed him. She told him all of her secrets.

Lynn wondered what it would be like to have a real best friend. She’d seen in clips of movies what teenage girls did. They had sleepovers, talking about boys, shoes, and doing each other’s make up.

So that’s what she talked to Alfred about.

“What’s your favorite kind of shoes?”

Alfred sniffed her hand and climbed up her shirt soundlessly.

“I think I like my shoes the best.” Lynn’s shoes were old dry mud encrusted tennis shoes. Luckily they didn’t have any holes in them yet.

She sighed it was no use. She didn’t like that Alfred, a mouse, was her only friend. He couldn’t even talk back. But she still talked to him.

“Erica is herself – a bitch.”

She paused, like she would if she was talking to someone else so they could reply. “She tried to make me eat rotten cheese and I said no. Then she slapped me twice.” Lynn touched where she got hit, it still stung. “But it was fun watching her face.”

“Good night, Alfred.” She put the mouse back in it’s nest, with a small kiss on the head.



“Lynn, sweetie, wake up.” This had to be a dream. The voice was really familiar. It was the one that had abused her her whole life. It was the one that yelled at her last night.

Lynn opened her eyes. She knew right away why Erica was being so nice. In the doorway a man in a black suite was standing. She groaned and sat up.

“Here is a bag. Put your stuff in it. We’re leaving.” Leaving? Lynn didn’t feel like protesting. She went over to the oak dresser and pulled open the first drawer. Erica is going to be pissed because she had to act so nice to me, she thought, shoving random items in her bag. Great.

She waited until the man and Erica left so she could do the last drawer in private. “We’ll be in the kitchen when you’re ready,” Erica said, following the man out.

“Good-bye, Alfred, my only friend. I’ll miss you.” She encased the small mouse in her hands, tucked it under her chin, and closed her eyes, enjoying the moment.

She gave him on final kiss on the head and placed him back in his drawer. She stared at it for a minute. Alfred came scrambling out from underneath it to her feet. She laughed and picked him up. “You have to stay here.”

She smiled, placing Alfred back on in his drawer. She was half way across the room when she felt something crawling up her leg. She looked down.

“Alfred…Okay. Fine.” She picked up the mouse and put it in her backpack, making sure the zipper was unzipped just a little so it could get air and not escape.

Erica and the bald-headed man were talking at the kitchen table. Erica had set out two cups of coffee, sugar, and creamer. “Can I have some?” Lynn asked, just to make Erica mad. She glared at Lynn, but got up and poured another cup.

She looked at Erica. It looked like she had been crying. Lynn looked at the bald-headed stranger and she knew. Erica had lost the house.
Wake up at the break of dawn, have fun, party, until you can't keep your eyes open one more second!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 29
Hello Lydia,
Welcome to YWS! I really like where your story is going, but it needs some work. It's a little confusing in the beginning since we are thrown right into the middle of a scene. You could spice it up with some characteristic traits about Lynn and Erica. I think if you went back and reread it you could come up with some more great ideas! Here's a few errors I caught:

If Erica wasn’t in a good mood, she wasn’t in a good mood.


Hmm...I think you could do better than that! :D

Erica did a double take. Lynn had never said no to Erica before in her life. Erica slapped Lynn. Hard. Lynn had a red and print on the side of her face.


There's a little too much: she did this, she did that! Use some pronouns and add some colorful description!

Keep writing and PM when there is more to read! (:

-afamilarsmile :lol: :lol:
"...and in that moment, I swear we were infinite."- Perks of Being a Wallflower




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 368
Reviews 456
Lydia wrote: Lynn. Hard. Lynn had a red and print on the side of her face


Between hard and lynn there should be a coma instead of a period.

Lydia wrote:She loved seeing the anger grown on Erica’s face..


It should be grow instead of grown.

Lydia wrote: “To see if it is good to eat. And then you get all nasty about it.”


Between eat and the word and it should be a coma instead of a period and and should not be capitalized.

Lydia wrote:He last time she had eaten was this after noon.


Instead of the word He it should be the word the.

Lydia wrote:Maybe. Erica was always good at hiding things.


Between maybe and Erica there should be a coma, not a period.


Lydia wrote:“Erica is herself – a bitch.”


I think you could write this in a different way to get your point acrossed.

Those are just a few minor mistakes I wanted to point out.

I love where your story is going, and I think you are a good writer. Keep up the good work!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 14
I like this a lot. You are very good at writing, so when you write more please PM me and let me know so I can read it.

I didn't see anything that really needed to be fix, I think you have a very good grasp on making your characters and setting scenarios.

Like I said it's really good.

~ashlee:)
"I fall asleep in hospital parking lots." -Hello Seattle, Owl City




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 2690
Reviews 21
“Lynn!” Lynn’s mother called from downstairs. She was always such a grump[s].[/s], especially to Lynn.


Do you think grump is the right word to describe her, considering what she does later in this chapter?


Her feet pounded down the old, rotting stairs. “What?” Lynn snapped. If Erica wasn’t in a good mood, she wasn’t in a good mood.


I think this could be a lot better. 'Old, rotting stairs' seems so blah. I understand my explanation could be a lot better too but you know what I mean, don't you?

“Don’t talk like that to me, you shit.”


I think 'you shit' would sound better as 'you little shit.' I don't know why, it just does.

Lynn raised her eyebrows, pursed her lips, and folded her arms. Erica was not in a good mood, it wasn’t going to be pretty.


I don't think the last line is necessary.

“I want you to try this to see if it’s still good.” Erica shoved a piece of moldy cheese up to Lynn’s lips. Lynn gently pushed it away, like she was handling [s]a little kid[/s] child.


Erica did a double take. Lynn had never said no to Erica before in her life. Erica slapped Lynn. Hard. Lynn had a red [s]and[/s] print on the side of her face.


This happened. Then this happened. She felt like this. She did that. Do you see what's wrong with this?

Another hard slap. Lynn winced but didn’t back down. She loved seeing the anger grow[s]n[/s] on Erica’s face. It was one [s]thing[/s] of the reasons? why she stood up to her mother.


Lynn had never said no to her before and yet her mother's anger was one reason she stood up to her? It's not making much sense at this point.

“You are going to try it,” Erica growled, prying the rotten cheese in between Lynn’s lips. Lynn refused. She hit Erica’s arm, knocking the cheese to the floor.


'Prying the rotten cheese in between Lynn's lips'? Talk about muddled. Also, I don't think 'refused' is the right word to use since Erica wasn't asking.

Erica looked from the piece of cheese and back to Lynn. Her face grew from shock to red hot anger.


Red hot anger? I think you can think of something more original than that.

“You asshole! Never ever hit me. Got that?” She pointed a long, bony finger at Lynn.

“No, I don’t.”


I think 'no, I haven't' would be better.

“Ugh, I can’t stand you one more minute! I only wanted you to try this,” she said pointing to the rotten cheese. “To see if it is good to eat. And then you get all nasty about it.”


This is good. I love how she twists it.

Lynn hated Erica! She could twist anything. Like this for example…


I don't think we need the 'like this for example.'

Erica marched behind Lynn to her room. She slammed the door, making some of the ceiling fall, and locked it. There was only a lock on the outside, giving Erica the choice if she wanted Lynn in there or not.


How much ceiling falls? A chunk of it? Or did some of it just crumble off? I think you need to be more clear here.

Lynn’s room wasn’t much – only a bed, a dresser, and a small mirror. The room was lit by one small light bulb that was almost dead and there were no windows.

In overall her bedroom was as crappy as the rest of the house. The stairs were unstable; you could fall if you didn’t watch where you stepped. The roof was going to fall at any minute. The carpet was encrusted with layers of dirt and dust. The whole house was falling apart.


You're not describing anything, just giving us statements.

She sighed, it was no use. She didn’t like that Alfred, a mouse, was her only friend. He couldn’t even talk back. But she still talked to him.


Really...a mouse?

She paused, like she would if she was talking to someone else so they could reply. “She tried to make me eat rotten cheese and I said no. Then she slapped me twice.” Lynn touched where she was hit, it still stung. “But it was fun watching her face.”



She was slapped twice but still liked it because she got to see someone angry? I'm having trouble believing this.

“Good night, Alfred.” She put the mouse back in it’s nest, with a small kiss on the head.


Now she's kissing the mouse?!

Goodbye, Alfred, my only friend. I’ll miss you.” She encased the small mouse in her hands, tucked it under her chin, and closed her eyes, enjoying the moment.


She smiled, placing Alfred back [s]on[/s] in his drawer. She was half way across the room when she felt something crawling up her leg. She looked down.


Erica and the bald-headed man were talking at the kitchen table. Erica had set out two cups of coffee, sugar, and cream[s]er[/s]. “Can I have some?” Lynn asked, just to make Erica mad. She glared at Lynn, but got up and poured another cup.


She looked at Erica. It looked like she had been crying. Lynn looked at the bald-headed stranger and she knew. Erica had lost the house.


You go back to the statements in the last paragraph.

I have two main problems with this:

1) You do not connect your sentences very well. In some parts it's like you were telling us everything. This happened. She was sad. This happened. She was angry. It's basically like that and you need to try and describe things and don't just tell us everything but show us.

2) The whole relationship with the mouse thing is confusing me. Is this like a Cinderella story? In my limited experience mice tend to run away from humans and humans tend not to kiss them. I know it's not real but it's still bugging me.

Overall it wasn't too bad. I look forward to the next chapter. PM me if you want to ask anything. :D
'Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.'
'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.' David Coleman
'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' Ian Wright




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 29
I liked your story, it's a very good start.

In the beginning I was kind of confused ... maybe it's just me, but in the beginning I wasn't so sure who Erica was. You say her as 'mom' then you go right into 'Erica'. I'm not sure, it might've just been me again. Haha. You are descriptive in some ways, but at some parts its like... I'm not sure what they're called. :?
But when you're rehearsing for a play. The papers that you get for your lines, what to do and stuff.

It's kind of like, someone says something, other person gets mad...so on. I think someone already said that anyway. :)

Anyway, I love how you started your story out. It's really good.
Keep Writing!



My life, my loves, where are they now?
— Richard Linklater