Death by Love

To be honest, I don't particularly care for it.
Definitely not my best work.




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He took her into his arms, staring into her light, almond shaped eyes, enveloping her with his body. Never had he met a woman quite like her; so loving, so caring, so kind. Gently, he laid her on the bed, saying he’d be right back with a kiss.

She missed him, although he’d only been in the other room for twenty seconds. He was her best friend, her husband, her everything. She couldn’t imagine life without him. He was the only thing that mattered anymore, the only person she truly cared about.

He came back to the room, two glasses and a bottle of wine in his hand, wedding presents to be used the first night of their marriage. Using the hotel night stand as a table, he expertly poured exactly one inch of the wine into each glass and brought them to the bed.

Taking the glass he offered her, she toasted their eternal love. Their glasses met, making a slight “clink” noise, and they gulped the contents down. He leaned over her, as if to give a kiss to seal the toast, and slipped a small dagger out of his pocket, a wedding present meant as a letter opener from her parents.

He thrust the knife into her chest, sliding it right in between her ribs, straight to the heart. He put his hand under her chin, staring into her eyes. He gave her the last kiss she would ever receive, let go, and turned around.

The stem of the empty wine glass broke as her body fell from the bed to the floor, her virginal white bridal gown covered in blood. The man laid down beside her and pulled out a small pistol. Embracing his wife of two hours, he put the pistol in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

You may not think this was your best work but this was good. The message in there was kinda sweet. After death, love is eternal, nothing can render or break it. So even though the guy was a suicidal/homicidal maniac his intentions were...(there's no word for it) Well anyways, I thought this was different and poetic in its own sense. There weren't any grammatical errors.
So all in all,
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel

I am in total shock right now. Wow, this was a fatastic piece. The way it represents love for eternity is amazing. Dont say this wasn't your best work, 'cause it was absolutely amazing. Wow. That is all I can say.

Becca

Hello there. Your piece caught my eye yesterday and I read it but ran out of time to crit it. So here I am!

First off, I think you have a key to a really good piece of writing. Your idea is quite good, it's not the most original but it's good nonetheless.

What you need to try and improve on is how you word it. At the moment it seems a bit generic (don't worry I'm generic all the time when I write poetry....) as in your words are so common. Nothing really stands out. I'm not saying that it's not complicated enough, I'm saying that you need to express yourself in a different way.
For instance:

so loving, so caring, so kind.

Nice, but so normal. We want metaphors, examples, memories, repetition, alliteration. A wide range of words.

I think you could also improve the way you describe things. With a piece this short we need a lot of description to keep us engaged (although not so much as to bore us!).

Gently, he laid her on the bed, saying he’d be right back with a kiss.

Here is a great opportunity to describe how she looked, laying on her back. Perhaps even give us some insight into what is going through the man's head.

Which leads me onto my next point. The husband. As a reader we want to know why. Why did he kill her? Why on their wedding night? What drove him to do this? We don't necessarily need a definite answer but some clues would be nice.
That way, it can still be sudden, but not quite so illogical.

Overall, this has potential to be an intriguing piece of prose: just remember to expand, describe and explain.

All the best,
Alainna
xxx

This was powerful, and like aforesaid, you should appreciate it.
At first, dismissing the title, I thought this was going to be soppy drivel - I waited, prepared to wince... but instead, I was turned arounmd, because the ending was so tensional, so sudden... You described it all poignantly, and with aspects of poetry. It was delicate, despite being murder/suicide. I'm sure the emos will love it.
I only wish there was some clue to why the husband does what he does. Clearly he's unstable, but why? Could you not have hinted something - I don't know. Well, this point of mine is quite insignificant.
Ooh, one last thing.

he expertly poured exactly one inch of the wine into each glass

I'm sorry, one inch? That is a pitifully small amount! If I was the wife, I'd have thought him a cold fish. You then go on to describe them gulping it down... there really is nothing to gulp, is there? (Ah, pickiness at the extreme)

I think you should stop being modest and embrace this story. But that's just my opinion.

Feel free to disregard anything I say. You're the author in the end.

I don't really have any nitpicks, and they pretty much got them covered anyway. So I'll just move on to my overall comments...

You have some good descriptions, but I feel like it isn't very unique wording. As I read it, I felt as if I had read it all before. You don't have to twist your sentences in awkward ways or anything, but try to find some places with interesting descriptions that make a reader say "Wow. That's a really cool way of saying that." That's what I personally like anyway as a reader.

Overall the plot was very cliche to me. Of course the ending makes you go "Ohmygod CREEPY" but the whole death, "last kiss" shaboozle has been done before. I think if you touch up descriptions here and there, try to characterize a bit more to make the story your own, you'll have something here.

Good luck!
GML