The Selfish Man

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We were told to encorperate platitudes into our poem (platitudes basically being overused, useless statements) and this is what I came up with.

I hope you enjoy, A Selfish Man.

Revised

A man of paltry gratitude,
Wandered the crowded, bustling roads,
Coming up with a platitude,
On the road near the swampy toads.

“Why don’t you just grow up,” He yelled,
To a girl crying by a tree,
She stopped sobbing and lay their felled,
But the selfish man did not see.

“Get a job,” was what he then said,
To a homeless man drenched in a ditch,
He cried out for he hadn’t been fed,
But the selfish man was too rich.

“Why don’t you smile more,” he exclaimed,
As a slave was beaten for more,
He fell and lay there tired and maimed,
But the selfish man was to sore.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” He cried,
As an old man vainly climbed stairs,
He toppled over and there he died,
But the selfish man wouldn’t even glare.

As the man of paltry gratitude,
Wandered the crowded, bustling roads,
Coming up with a platitude,
He tripped there, by the swampy toads.

As he lay there drowning in mud,
A girl yelled, “Why don’t you grow up”
She then ran away, her tears a flood,
But he was drinking mud from a cup.

As he lay drowning in the dirt,
A homeless man said, “Get a job,”
And he squelched away, filthy and hurt,
But the selfish man’s ears were a throb.

As he sunk down, under the horrid muck,
A slave cried, “Why don’t you smile more,”
He then hobbled away in search of luck,
But the selfish man was at death’s door.

And as he drew that final, gasping breath,
An old man cried, “Feeling sorry for yourself?”
And floated away over translucent death,
And finally the selfish man saw himself.


Original

A man of paltry gratitude,
Wandered the bustling roads,
And would come up with a platitude,
On the road by the swampy toads.

“Why don’t you just grow up,” He yelled,
As a little girl lay crying by a tree,
She stopped sobbing and lay there as if felled,
But the selfish man did not see.

“Get a job,” was what he then said,
To a homeless man drenched in a ditch,
He cried out in pain as he hadn’t been fed,
But the selfish man was much to rich.

“Why don’t you smile more,” he exclaimed,
As a slave was beaten to do more,
He fell and lay there tired and maimed,
But the selfish man was too weary and sore.

“Stop feeling sorry for your self,” He cried,
As an old man struggled vainly up stairs,
He toppled over and there, slowly he died,
But the selfish man would not spare a glare.

As the man of paltry gratitude,
Wandered the bustling roads,
Coming up with hurtful platitude,
He tripped and slipped by the swampy toads.

As he lay there drowning in the mud,
A little girl yelled, “Why don’t you just grow up”
She then ran away, her tears a flood,
But he was busy drinking mud from a cup.

As he lay drowning in the dirt,
A homeless man said, “Get a job,”
And he squelched away, filthy and hurt,
But the selfish man’s ears were a throb.

As he sunk down, under the muck,
A slave cried, “Why don’t you smile more,”
He then hobbled away in search of some luck,
But the selfish man was at death’s door.

And as he drew that final, gasping breath,
An old man cried, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself,”
And floated away over translucent death,
And finally the selfish man glimpsed himself.
Last edited by Mad on Mon Mar 26, 2007 10:42 am, edited 3 times in total.




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Only error i noticed in this was you said "to" instead of "too" alot. Other than that a great poem and very much enjoyed it. Like how he gets his comeuppances.
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This is well-written... Great rhyme and rhythm,it flows very nicely, and you used interesting vocabulary. The actual story is pretty predictable, though. It's just been done so many times before, in folktales and such. I'm not saying that it isn't an important moral, it's just one that everyone's seen before, usually presented in basically the same way: The selfish person does nothing to help others in need, and when misfortune befalls them, the people they ignored don't come to their aid. It's a timeless moral that will always ring true, but I think it needs to be presented in a fresh, original way.

Grammar stuff:

"She stopped sobbing and lay their as if felled,"

"Their" should be "there."

"But the selfish man was to weary and sore."

"To" should be "too."

Keep writing! :D
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs




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I'm don't really care for "On the road by the swampy toads." To me, it seems like you just added the swampy toad part to make it rhyme.

In the fourth stanza, last line, why is the selfish man too weary and sore? Seems like the slave would by the sore one. (Or maybe i'm missing something...)

A lot of your rhymes seemed forced. They fit in the story, but they don't flow or add anything to it.

You should think about adding punctuation after quotes. Like when he and the little girl are asking each other questions.

On a good note, though, It tells a story. In my experience, is very hard to do ina poem.
So i was pretty impressed that you could get your idea clearly across using rhymes and rhythm, etc.

=)
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
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Thank you all for your criticisms.

I'm don't really care for "On the road by the swampy toads." To me, it seems like you just added the swampy toad part to make it rhyme.


Welllllll..... I kinda did, but it fitted in well when I needed some sort of punishment for the "Selfish Man" so it worked out fairly well.

In the fourth line, where the man was to weary and sore I was meaning from travelling.

The rhymes are a bit forced I will admit, but I've never really done long and narrative pieces, this being my first. So I've never really tried to bring together rhyme, rhythm and a relatively long piece.

Siegfried and Fireweed, glad you liked it. I've posted a revised version, where the lines are more even and some of the unnecessary detail has been taken out. I'll leave the original there, please say if you think this new and revised version is a better version.

Thanks for all your comments.
Sing we for joy and idleness,
Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound

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Reminded me of the Rich Man and Lazarus. Hm, interesting.

They've all pointed out the parts where you need improvement but nonetheless i don't think a tidbit of flattery would cause any harm?

one word: SUPAH DUPAH EXCELLENT.

Okay, so there were three words. Screw it. I just had to take my hat off.


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This is one of the best poems i've ever read. Very good work, besides a few errors such as the 'to's and 'too's. I really enjoyed this.
Keep it up!

^^
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huh, for some reason, specific bible verses popped into my mind...weird. Anyway, I thought it was really good, I liked the rhyme scheme you've got going on, and yes, the platitudes too. oh, and I agree with Vernon, you missused 'too' and 'to', but that's easy to fix. Otherwise, I thought it was really good, it had a good morale. i'll keep my eye open for any of your other poems!

Jenni
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i liked this poem a lot i liked how in the end he got what he deserved and that he finally looked at himself but by then it was too late. everyone else picked out the little mistakes so there is nothing i can really say but i liked it but hey at least i boosted your confidence a little so i guess thats good. once again i really liked this poem and it also has a good meaning to it.
keep writing poems like this
it was very good
---Jon---



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