Chapter 1?

Kisses
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It was one of the rare nights you could see every star. It was one of those rare spring-like nights that at 3 am the moon kept everything in sight. Just barely a chill in the air we almost didn’t need the undersized blanket I had pulled from my trunk and wrapped around us futilely trying to cover more than the blanket allowed.

How cliché I felt at that moment to actually be in a field, with a girl, on a blanket, next to my car gazing up at the stars like some movie. Until this point I did not believe such things really ever happened.

Her breathing was now constant and slow, she had fallen asleep easily in my arms, as she so often did, though usually on a couch while watching movies she herself had suggested we stay up and watch. I couldn’t seem to sleep; I found it difficult to sleep on my back. Instead I lay there looking up and thinking about our current situation. So many things to consider I thought. There was her past to think about. The kind of past that brought warnings from my brother to be wary, take all she says with caution as to not be trapped in a lie which, as he pointed out, could lead to the destruction of all that I wanted from life.

Everyone deserves a shot I felt. Before I judge her myself as never to be a part of my life, I should at least try this myself, no?

When I’m single I miss this feeling of a girl pressed into the nook under my arm, head resting comfortably upon my chest. Her hair smells like the beach. It always does, even if she hasn’t been there in weeks.

I wonder if this could be love, if I even knew what love was, or could when I might come across it. I normally enter into relationships with one foot out the door. Waiting for something to go wrong, expecting something to. I want to go forward correcting this method of courtship as thus far it has proven only to return me to the point at which I began.

So how does one learn to love?

Images pass through my mind of future conversations, dates, family events, hanging out with my friends, and other such happenings to which this road would ultimately bring her to be a part of and how that would feel, kisses, making love on Jared’s bed, watching the sun rise at Smith Point, kisses, naps during the day on her couch in the summer, shared showers, breakfasts at diners, spending days in my bed, kisses, and I wonder if it might not work out.


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End
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Curious on anyones thoughts, on any level, sentence structure, grammar, content, etc.

One minute.

Hey Dal (if I may call you that) Welcome to YWS!!

You have a very unique way of writing that I like. And the descriptions and the feelings that you use to portray a date a guy has with this girl is brilliant. Often love isn't captured that simply, instead we think of unexpected meetings or twelve roses in a bouquet. Here love is just love and what happens happens. Your MC is really believable and I think that's why I find myself loving this piece.
Keep writing and Good Luck,
Angel

Dalvor wrote: 3 am

Three A.M.

Instead I lay there looking up and thinking about our current situation. So many things to consider I thought. There was her past to think about.[quote]
This sounds kind of wierd...

The first two sentences I quoted look like the same thing...

Well that's all I saw.

Maybe there's more but for me that's all I could point our for you.

Um... Story...

*shrug* I don't know... It's in the right spot but I have no idea. I'm toyoung to really care about this so... ya.

Hope I helped a little,
-Amber

I like where you are going with this. I just joined up today and made my first post as well. There were only a couple of things that needed rethinking in my eyes. One was this sentence that is a little confusing:

Before I judge her myself as never to be a part of my life, I should at least try this myself, no?

And also, who is Jared?

Anyway, it sounds like a sweet love story. I have been there and done that with the whole imagining the next 20 years with someone you hardly know. I think the best part though is when you are discribing the way he feels to have her in his arms. It is nice to see what it feels like on the other side haha. It is very believable.

hi there, never seen your work around basically cause you're new, but i have to say that you are good. here is my review as follows :


well, i mostly agreed with evereyone here but the part about ''who is jarred ?'' is just fablous. i mean it keeps the reader hanged which you have just managed to do.

you have a good writing voice and obviously talent. your description of feelings is absolutely wonderful. a good description and pretty much straightned character. thats all you need. really.

my comments and suggestions :
- since your description is good i would tell you to improve upon it. get new words. find out new ways to tell the same thing. you could make it a challenge and try to come up with a huge amount.
- something i noticed is that you say the same things twice which is not good. it draws the reader away. instead just cut them out.
- review it yourself loads of times before submitting it(heh, i am not saying you're bad ).
-lastly and most important, keep writing. i am looking forward to more of your work. so i repeat keep on writing.

oh, BTW, don't forget to tell me if you have another piece coming up.
BTW : by the way

-budding

Thank for the comments and kind words, suggestions, and encouragement. I completely agree with you Budding, I'm going back to school, making sure I read new books, and read every day to do just that. And as for who Jared is, yes I probably should have added a part in here explaining that as this is just a section of my story. Thinking about that comment did actually give me and idea of more story to add so it works out. And the repetition was intentional, I actually have just been trying it out copying that style from Palahniuk. I don't know that I'm using it 100% correct as I was just trying it out. Thats actually the only time I've directly imitated something of another write, the rest is subconscious. And yes I'm expanding this story so more work will be coming, these comments were indeed helpful and encouraging. I do have some awkward sentences here and there which I'm constantly going back and reading and rewriting the same thing. Thanks again for the comments. I'll do my best to keep up with reviewing others before I put more down here and I will be working hard on my own stuff.

Hey! I have a few nit-picks for you

It was one of the rare nights you could see every star. It was one of those rare spring-like nights that at 3 am the moon kept everything in sight. Just barely a chill in the air we almost didn’t need the undersized blanket I had pulled from my trunk and wrapped around us futilely trying to cover more than the blanket allowed.

First, the two sentences in the beginning repeat each other. Why not just combine them? Like this: It was one of those rare spring-like nights where you could see every star and when the moon kept everything in sight. That sounds A LOT better.
All right, for the next sentence, I have a suggestion for that one as well. Try: There was barely a chill in the air and we almost didn’t need the undersized blanket I had pulled from my trunk. I had it wrapped around us, futilely trying to cover more than the blanket allowed.

Her breathing was now constant and slow, she had fallen asleep easily in my arms, as she so often did, though usually on a couch while watching movies she herself had suggested we stay up and watch.

Many commas I see in this sentence. Hmm…I suggest a rewording…maybe?? Let me try: I noticed that her breathing was now constant and slow—she had fallen asleep in my arms again. She so often did this, usually on the couch while watching movies she herself had suggested we stay up and watch.

So many things to consider I thought.

Italics and a comma is needed in this.
Do something similar to: So many things to consider, I thought

Images pass through my mind of future conversations, dates, family events, hanging out with my friends, and other such happenings to which this road would ultimately bring her to be a part of and how that would feel, kisses, making love on Jared’s bed, watching the sun rise at Smith Point, kisses, naps during the day on her couch in the summer, shared showers, breakfasts at diners, spending days in my bed, kisses, and I wonder if it might not work out.

This is a SUPER long sentence. It doesn’t really need to be split up, because the flow is really nice, but I would suggest it because it just seems like a long list of ideas. Put more thought into this, put more emotion of your MC into. Maybe that will help…

Other than those few things, this was actually really good!

It was such a sweet, genuine moment for this guy, when he is sort of stuck in what he WANTS and what he BELIEVES love is, and if this girl is the ONE, so to speak! So cute!

Hopefully you will continue this (but I sort of have a fear that this is just a little piece…:? Please don’t tell me this is it!!!!)

PM me if you post more.

*wink*

I would love if you wrote more!

Hello Dalvor!

Great start, you used a lot of imagery which really helped me understand the image you were trying to portray. I suppose everyone has pointed out the few mistakes you have and the infamous, "Who's Jared?" inquiry. Keep up the good word and tell me when you've written more!

-afamiliarsmile (:

Hey,
I liked it. It was a little confusing, though. What does he have to consider? What is he scared of, commitment? (Sorry if it's not spelled right!) Does he have something in the past that happened to him or someone he knows? I know you probaly dont care about what I have to say since I'm only fourteen, but thats my little questions.
Bye, Bunnie