Last edited by Sofiel on Fri Jun 27, 2008 10:48 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Toby: "Of COURSE I wrote a concession. What - you want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high a top the thing?"
Sam: "...No"
Toby: "Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell is the matter with you?!"
The separation of those words doesn't make sense. Or any of the others.
- Yes, blood and war go hand in hand. As do cliches and poems which get very few reviews. Come up with something more insightful there.
- The promise of tomorrow becoming the enemy is the best sentiment of the whole poem. Restructure the poem around this.
- I'm not sure why the rain is red. Oh, it is blood. Blood, Shed. The problem isn't that this is unclear, it's that it is clearly nonsensical.
I like your form here, and there is an echo of a style which I also enjoy. If you take off those words at the ends of your stanzas, I think you will already find improvement. Have a clear idea of what you want the reader to experience, and write with that experience in mind.
