Thank You

Can you hear her crying
Crying in the dark
Can you hear her whisper
Pouring out her heart

You disgust me
Though I shouldn't judge
The way you treat her
That's anything but love

I can't understand you
Everything is so confused
You tell you want her
But then what do you do

You ignore every word she says
Check out everyone else
Pretend she doesn't even exist
Like an old toy, gathering dust on a shelf

I can not say I hate you
Since you taught me how to care
But I will never say I love you
That's something I couldn't bear

Now since you ignore her crying
And all her hopes and dreams
I'll scoop her into my arms
And tell her I'll never leave

She's sitting with me now
As I write this poem
With this lovely girl
And all that she's become

panicitsamelon wrote:Can you hear her crying,
crying in the dark?
Can you hear her whisper,
pouring out her heart?

You disgust me!
Though I shouldn't judge.
The way you treat her;
that's anything but love.

I can't understand you.
Everything is so confused. (1)
You tell her you want her,
but then, what do you do...

You ignore every word she says.
Check out everyone else.
Pretend she doesn't even exist;
like an old toy, gathering dust on a shelf.

I can't say I hate you,
since you taught me how to care.
But I will never say I love you;
that's something I couldn't bear.

Now since you ignore her crying
and all her hopes and dreams,
I'll scoop her into my arms,
and tell her I'll never leave.

She's sitting with me now,
as I write this poem
With this lovely girl
and all that she's become.(2)

Hmm...

I think you should try changing this up a bit.
As you can see, I kinda changed your poem a little, but only to fix up grammatical errors and add some rhythm and flow. I'm no expert, but maybe you should take that into consideration.
The way you structured it makes it seem like a huge run-on sentence.

Also, you need some original word choice, a stronger intro and a stronger ending. Been there, read that, And I don't feel anything. I want you to show me! Please!! More metaphors, imagery, voice... this has some great potential.

Now, I guess you're wondering why I have bold-ed some lines and put numbers next to them in your poem. Well, here's why:
1. What's 'Everything'? What's confusing?
2. That ending was... weird and laking. Try something else.

Very nice topic, it just needs lots of work. Hope to be seeing more of you and your work!

Well first off, you need punctuation. Badly. There isn't one full stop in there. It makes the poem weaker. Full stops add finality.

E.g. You disgust me.

Commas, well they can break up ideas.

Exclamation marks make me exclaim. etc., etc.

The previous poster pointed all of that out.

So, what else. Your last stanza is confusing. It doesn't really end this poem in a way I can make sense of.

Now, I wouldn't mind either some sort of reason for this mistreatment, or more poignant examples of it. At the moment it is just the bare bones of a poem. You don't have anything here which is really going to make your reader feel.

I can not say I hate you
Since you taught me how to care

This needs some sort of elaboration.

Indeed, I'll second Mad's cry for punctuation. It's really a necessity in poetry- with out it this unravels as a sigh rather than something that makes my ears perk up and go 'What? Wow- I care about this speaker and their problems!'

I actually really liked the first stanza:

Can you hear her crying

Crying in the dark

Can you hear her whisper

Pouring out her heart

I liked it for it's rhythm- although you are in bad need of poetic devices to show us this girl and her emotions. Use imagery, irony, something to give as a bit more than telling us everything. What room do we have as a reader to comment and imagine the possibilities if you shout us down with 'I can't understand you' statements and so on.

Also, use question marks- but use them sparingly. We do need some resolutions in poetry or it would just read as a list of unanswered pleas.

And another thing- before you set out to write your poetry- plan. Plan your theme and have exactly what you want to say in your head, and then write it. You will be surprised by how much better it flows than when you've simply whisked something up (as romantic as it sounds) on the spur of the moment.

Like an old toy, gathering dust on a shelf

I think you could make up a better metaphor than that. Imagine a new idea as having electricity to it. A spark that makes the reader go 'Huh!? Wow!' Now imagine that idea as being used over and over again, and as time goes on, it loses that energy. My suggestion is to take a well worn metaphor- and put your own spin on it. Works like a charm.

The ending is very confusing. I'm left wondering- and not in a good way. Try and make the message, event and people more clear in your poem- but with showing and not telling, and you will receive much more clear responses on about how you can improve.

This also read a bit like a song- Are you a songwriter? I actually think with revision this would work great as either a poem or a song!

Best wishes,

Eimear

fantastic job! this poem had a great flow, and it was descriptive of your, or the speakers feelings, I could easily understand the message you were relaying.

This part was my favorite, so beautiful.

panicitsamelon wrote:I can not say I hate you
Since you taught me how to care
But I will never say I love you
That's something I couldn't bear

Now since you ignore her crying
And all her hopes and dreams
I'll scoop her into my arms
And tell her I'll never leave

She's sitting with me now
As I write this poem
With this lovely girl
And all that she's become

This is a magnificent poem.


It flowed very well, and the syllabic nuances in it were great.
They definitely added to its value.

You turned many phrases in it the work very well together.
Some particular lines that stood out to me were:

I can not say I hate you
Since you taught me how to care
But I will never say I love you
That's something I couldn't bear






Those carry so much emotion and meaning.
Or, for me they do.




All in all, 5 out of 5 stars.