Cast the dream

1st verse: darkness comes in your life and you can't seem to break though, the wind carries your dream the darkness crashes though. And memories come crashing down, while courage falls though.

chorus:Dreams that never happen are a fairytale.Twisted popped in every detail. dreams are like a california quail. never seen only heard and gone for the winter.

2nd verse:the aroma of your dream last forever and you never want to see it agian. one night miricle happens and you fall back in the lions den waiting for that special day where you can go out and play in the light agian where your smile brightens.

bridge: suddenly the light comes out on your life and your done ...waiting,consinplating.

Hi. I picked this one to read because I saw there were none reviews yet.

So first of all, you truly, madly, desperately need to divide this into clear, readable lines. It was kind of hard for me to read the piece.

Secondly, you must check your spelling, punctuation, all the grammar stuff. For example, there's no such word as "miricle", it's "miracle". Capitalize letters starting a new thought/sentence, leave empty space between points/commas and the next letters.

Also, I think you meant "through" in all the "though" parts in the 1st verse. But you don't need to repeat it after every other word. Maybe you could make up some word similar to it or try to explain the idea in completely other words?

There were a few nice ideas behind this, but they kind of suffered because of the structure, you know? If all the grammatical mistakes are fixed and maybe a third verse added, I have no doubts this could turn out to be something better. Just keep writing and good luck

Sincerely,
Demeter xx

Hey, I've changed the structure a little to give you ideas on how to set it out so it would be easier to read, and added some thoughts in bold.



1st verse:
Darkness comes into your life and
you can't seem to break through,
the wind carries your dream,
[s]the darkness crashes through. [/s] - You already have this idea in the first line.
And memories come crashing down,
while courage falls through.

As Demeter already said, there's too much repetition of 'through', but that's something you'll notice yourself reading it through again. I've suggested one line you could cut, but I think cutting another would be a good idea for the rhythm.

chorus:
Dreams that never happen are a fairytale,
twisted popped in every detail. - I don't really understand this line.
Dreams are like a california quail - - The mention of 'quail' seems to be used for the rhyme so it comes across as a little forced, but then I'm not from California so it might not be unusual there.
never seen, only heard and gone for the winter.

2nd verse:
The aroma of your dream lasts forever
and you never want to see it agian.
Then one night a miracle happens
and you fall back in the lion's den. - Would it be a miracle to fall back in the lion's den?
Waiting for that special day, - Rhythm changes here. Could make this a bridge?
where you can go out and play
in the light again,
where your smile brightens.

another chorus

bridge:
Suddenly
the light comes on in your life
and you're done.
Waiting,
contemplating...

chorus


I liked a few of the ideas in your song so I think tidying them up would be really beneficial to the song. Good luck!

My biggest problem with this song is that it doesn't have a clear theme. Usually the chorus best embodies the theme of the song, but in your case, the chorus is weak and vague. California quail? That's a bit too concrete to describe such abstract ideas that you're singing about.

Other than that, I agree with Sapphire and Demeter. Keep working on it! Sorry if I sound harsh; in reality, this might be a great song because of the melody, but here, we can't judge that .

River

I Think it's great! I can kind of understand where you are coming from. I can't really judge it though because to me songs are like poems, and you never really know what the writer was thinking and everyone interprets it their own way. But i like the lyrics to 10 kudos!