The Audition

I walk into the room

Finally

I have been waiting

Outside

In the fluorescently lit room

Sitting

On a cracked, vinyl chair

Waiting

Just waiting
With a sea of kids

My age

Good kids

Great kids

Kids rehearsing

With their parents

Or by themselves

Muttering

The lines

I know so well

I scope out

My competition

There is a girl

With red hair

Who sits next to me

Her mother yells

At her

She yells rude things

When the girl forgets

A line

Or says it wrong

I do not know

Why she yells

The girl is very good

Maybe the best

In the

Fluorescently lit room

I am

Number 262

Finally

Finally

They call me

Into the room

Past the red door

That every kid

Sitting on a

Cracked, vinyl chair

Wishes to go through

And three faces

Stare up at me

They stare

And smile

Not a nice smile

They look tired

Very tired

I can imagine

I am the 262nd person

They have seen

Since early that morning

Since I first sat down

In that

Cracked, vinyl chair

In that

Fluorescently lit room

“Hello,” a woman says

Pleasantly

Very pleasantly

But I look past her voice

Read her face

I am an actor

I understand

Emotion

Hers is

Stressed

Tired

Maybe even
Bored

I take a breath

A deep breath

Clear my throat

Smile

Smiles help

Then I begin

The street light
From the window

Outside

Illuminates

Her face

It is dark

Outside

Already night

I have spent

A whole day

In that

Fluorescently lit room

Sitting in that

Cracked, vinyl chair

I say the first

Line

The first word

Even

Already

It is wrong

I can see it

In their

Faces

I ask to start again

But they shake their heads

“Keep going.”

I continue

But I don’t really

Try

I already know

I am

Out

The man

The frowning man

Who sits

In between the two women

Holds up his

Hand

Stops me

“Thank you,”

He says
Grimly

But it is clear

He is not

Thankful

At all

The other

Woman

Smiles apologetically

I stuff

My hands in my

Pockets

And go back out

Through the red door

The red haired girl

Is next

I smile as she

Goes in

But she only

Frowns

At me

A nasty frown

Her mother also

Frowns

And glares

At my mother

My mother looks
Away

She is new

To the business

We both are

We don’t understand

The unfriendly

Atmosphere

I shrug my shoulders

At my mother and she

Hugs me

Every parent and actor

Stares

At her

Sympathy

The red haired girl

Comes back out

Crying

Her mother rises

Yells

Shouts

Grabs the girl

And drags her

Away

My mother glances

At me

I roll

My eyes

We walk out

Of the

Fluorescently lit room
Away from the sea of

Cracked, vinyl chairs

To our car

Waiting silently in the

Full parking lot

It is past

Dinner now

We stop at a fast food restaurant

For a bite to eat

We have been there

Since breakfast

All for those five minutes

In the room past

The red door

That is how it always is

A lot of waiting

Not much time

But it is all worth it

When you get that call

Late at night

Telling you

To come back in

Two weeks

So you can start

The read throughs.

Okay, firstly (and something other many others will remind you to do) you need to maintain a 2:1 ratio of critiques to posts. If you do this, people are more likely to read what you post and reply to it. One good turn deserves another etc.

Now your piece. First of all it comes across as really long. When you post a work YWS automatically double spaces the lines so, you shouldn't leave lines between your lines, so to speak.

Its interesting and I like it. It's original, the short lines work, the repetitive descriptions of fluorescent rooms and vinyl chairs is effective also. I think that perhaps you need to use some full stops. It would be one incredibly long sentence if read straight but the line breaks stop that, which is good, but even so full stops are needed just to divide up the ideas. It has a breathlessness as it is, which is very effective but with full stops, one or two well placed, it could be a breathless encounter with momentary gasps for air. E.g., just before you go into the room to read your lines.

Surprisingly this interested me. It wouldn't be something which normally would. The repetition is good the simple diction and retelling makes it readable. However, I think you need a stronger ending. I've got through all this and the elation at getting called back, of it being worth it, is muted. Something more powerful would provide a better ending.

But yeah, like I said it was surprisingly likable mainly due to it being so original.

EDIT - Oh and Welcome to YWS.

I agree with Mad. The short lines work fairly well on this piece. Also, it isn't typically something I would be interested in, but it held my attention most of the way through. I though that it was a little long, at least with the double spaced lines.

[quote]The street light
From the window

Outside

Illuminates

Her face

It is dark

Outside

Already night
[quote]

This part confused me slightly. I'm not sure who you're talking about in this. Are you talking about one onf the women critiqueing you, or you yourself? If it is you, then you change point of view in this series of lines, not that thats a bad thing, it just doesn't work here. Nice work, but try to critique others work before posting your own.

I agree with what was said above.

The repetition was good but it was just too long, maybe it was just the double-spaces, but I was just scrolling down thinking 'okaaaay, when is this going to end?'

I liked the line breaks, I think you could use some end punctuations though, that would make some places a lot clearer and give us a chance to breathe, as was mentioned above.

I would just like to add that I think you did an okay job evoking suspense, I think it was a suspenseful piece for me just because I wanted to get to the end, but you did a good job giving off that 'waiting' feeling to it. Time seemed to pass by slowly in that flourescently lit room with the vinyl cracked chairs XD You did a good job describing all that, but I think the primary reasons why the ending wasn't strong or didn't work much at all was because the ending talked about the joy of actually making the read-throughs and of succeeding after a lot of hard work, and finally pulling through.

Whereas throughout the entire poem you've set up the readers to a more laid back, time-moving slowly, kind of mood. So basically, there was no anticipation, no build-up, for the ending.

But overall I thought this was pretty good. I loved the flow and repetition, if you ever go back to edit this, please let me know, I'd love to re-read.

Keep writing!

~ Audrey

I agree with Mad I'm afraid about the line breaks. It was far too much scrolling for me as I'm quite an impatient person. But this impatience was borne from the fact that this really engaged me! Personally I'm writing something at the moment about someone going to an audition, and it's very vivid- especially those juicy details about the chair which I loved so so much. Although, it could, as nearly always in the case with poetry- be improved a little. I've already said about the structure, which I would advise you to re-work into something a little more 'readable', and I would also concentrate on showing a little more. In short, give us more little details and this will be great.

And welcome to YWS!

Eimear xx