The Mountain and the Pebble

The Mountain and the Pebble

At the top of the mountain there sat a pebble.
A lone fragment loosened after years of struggle.
Then, a small wind swept across the top of the mountain,
setting the pebble into motion.
And it began making its way down
down
down the mountain.

As the pebble gained speed,
other pebbles began to join it in it’s journey,
enlightened by the possibility,
inspired by the movement.
And they made there way down
down
down the mountain.

As the group of pebbles gained speed,
Snow began to collect on the porous surfaces,
the snow was motivated by the opportunity,
collecting more rapidly, continuing to grow larger
as it made its way down
down
down the mountain.

Everything continued collecting.
The balls of pebbles and snow and ice and leaves and branches grew,
bigger and bigger and, bigger
as it increased in speed, and rapidly rolled down
down
down the mountain.

Finally, the mass of snow, ice, leaves, rocks, everything
reached the bottom of the mountain.
All the materials settled
And a new mountain, larger then the first was formed.

And at the top of the mountain, sat a pebble…

Just quickly, the words got a little more spread out on this post then they actually are. In my original poem, the second 'down' is actually just below the last letter of the previous line and the 'down the mountain is just below the last letter of the second 'down' in affect, all of those sequences should read

"...down
down
down the mountain."

I just wanted to alleviate any reviews that would say to change that. Thanks a lot for reading my work and hopefully commenting on it.

No, I like the spreading out, dear!

I love the simplicity and quirkiness of it: so refreshing. It almost feels like a fairytale. (I should try and do something like this...)

The piece seems a bit overlong: try and pare it down to magnify the effect. It works quite well at the moment, but repetition where it wasn't necessary dragged the pace down a little. Increase the momentum, pace the piece better to mimic the pebbles falling down the mountain, perhaps.

You also use way too many passive constructions:

"motivated by opportunity."

These are features of 'telling' writing. And as writers, we don't want to tell; we want to SHOW. Get rid of them; turn them around!

"the pebble salivated
at the thought of a little company
in his life."

While it's a bit longer, this feels more immediate. We can even squeeze in some personification to add some extra texture. This is what active, SHOWING writing does: it opens up new possibilities.

Small grammar niggle: it's means 'it is'. Its means 'belonging to it'. Just thought I'd clear that up.

This is a good start. A little redrafting could go a long way on this.

Good luck!

Gahks

6/10