Dreaming

I am standing on a beach, where instead of sand I squish my toes into smooth, blue, crystal like pebbles. The ocean is neither blue nor green; but a lovely shade of violet and the sun shines aqua against a magenta sky. The trunks of the trees shimmer gold in the teal light from the sky. Spider webs and leaves flutter pink when the wind rustles them ever so slightly.

I do not stand alone, for I am never alone when I am in this place, for this is a place of wonders. Each and everything is alive, I am astounded as I sense the breath of the waves against my cheek.

I watch the violet waves crash along the shore, reflecting azure and magenta across every ripple. The sun is fading in the south, creating the most masterful colors I have ever seen. The crystals beneath my feet glow warm as the sun goes down, keeping my toes heated for me. I wander a path that only I know, reaching my destination before too long. Settling down on a golden log where the water breaks, I dip my bare feet into the waves and savor the warmth the world around me radiates.

Here in this world I have no destiny, nothing calling my name. I am here to savor the feelings that surround me, the heat and love that seeps into my every pore. I never feel too hot nor too cold, pain nor fear, or rejection. I stand amongst a vast beauty and somehow I am apart of it. There is some connection that cannot be explained, for this is my paradise.

This is my dream.

Hey OverEasy!
Here's my review
red = comments
bold = words I think would work better
Let's do this thing!

OverEasy wrote:I am standing on a beach, where instead of sand I squish my toes into smooth, blue, crystal like pebbles Too many adjectives. Cut out at least two of them. Also when I think crystal to me it seems to contradict smooth. instead say smooth, blue pebbles. The ocean is neither blue nor green; but a lovely shade of violet and the sun shines aqua against a magenta sky. The trunks of the trees shimmer gold in the teal light from the sky. Spider webs and leaves flutter pink as the wind rustles through them [s]when the wind rustles them ever so slightly[/s].

I do not stand alone, for I am never alone when I am in this place. [s]for[/s] This is a place of wonders. Each and every Insert space between every and thing thing is alive, I am astounded as I sense the breath of the waves against my cheek.

I watch the violet waves crash along the shore, reflecting azure and magenta across every ripple. The sun is fading in the south, creating the most masterful masteful doesn't seem right here. instead maybe say masterpiece of colors? or something. colors I have ever seen. The crystals beneath my feet glow warm as the sun goes down, keeping my toes heated for me. I wander a path that only I know, reaching my destination before too long. Settling down on a golden log where the water breaks, I dip my bare feet into the waves and savor the warmth the world around me radiates.

Here in this world I have no destiny, nothing calling my name. I am here to savor the feelings that surround me, the heat and love that seeps into my every pore. I never feel too hot nor too cold, and I never acknowledge pain [s]n[/s]or not to be a grammar freak but when you have nor, the word neither should precede it. Also, when you say nor here, it forms a double negative with the never that you say in the beginning fear, or rejection. I stand amongst a vast beauty and somehow I am apart of it. There is some connection that cannot be explained, for this is my paradise.

This is my dream.

I loved it! Beautiful! I love description so very well done! Other than my nitpicks that was it! If you have any questions, PM me! Keep up the good work!

The promised critique.

Nit-Picks

I am standing on a beach, where instead of sand I squish my toes into smooth, blue, crystal like pebbles.

To make this more mystical, split it up. ‘I am standing on a beach, but there is no sand beneath my feet. Instead there are pebbles – smooth, blue, crystal-like pebbles that I squish my feet into.'

The ocean is neither blue nor green,[s];[/s] but a lovely shade of violet, and the sun shines aqua against a magenta sky. The trunks of the trees shimmer gold in the teal light from the sky. Spider webs and leaves flutter pink when the wind rustles them ever so slightly.

Here the colors really getting annoying. Must you give everything a color? You did it to make the piece more powerful, but really it just takes away.

I do not stand alone, for I am never alone when I am in this [s]place, for this is a [/s]place of wonders.

Don’t ramble.

Each and everything is alive, I am astounded as I sense the breath of the waves against my cheek.

The stuff around the comma confuses me…

I never feel [s]too [/s]hot nor [s]too [/s]cold, pain nor fear[s], or rejection[/s].

Don’t break your amazing repetition.

Overall Comments

Not bad. Yes, it’s just a short, fluffy little piece, but it’s sweet.

My only problem is the colors. Yes, it’s beautiful – we get it! Cut back to make the ones you do mention more powerful. But if I feel like I’m reading a color chart, I skim. That’s what I did, so now I don’t know where she is.

Also, what time of day is it there? Consider that.

Short critique for a short piece?

~JFW1415

Easy!

Grammar and First Impressions

I am standing on a beach, where instead of sand I squish my toes into smooth, blue, crystal like pebbles.

This sounds clunky and could be split up or rewritten to make a little more sense. I actually just learned this, but where is treated like because (and which, etc.). It doesn't get a comma in front of it. If you were to keep this sentence, I would probably put instead of sand between commas. And pebbles had one too many adjectives in my opinion. I know how it feels to just want to get the picture out there, but we can save adjectives in more description rather than pile them all at once in a list.

The ocean is neither blue nor green; [no semi] but a lovely shade of violet, and the sun shines aqua against a magenta sky.

But is one of our many FANBOYS [For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So]. You used two of them, but we'll first talk about but. On either side of but, there must be independent clauses. In front of it is an independent clause, but behind it is not. A lovely shade of violet is a noun, but there's no verb, making this a dependent clause. Therefore, no comma is needed in front of but.

Now the and gets a comma. Actually, to be honest, I think it's supposed to be a semi, but don't take my word for it. I need to look that up sometime. It should be a comma, because there is an independent clause on either side of the conjunction.

The trunks of the trees shimmer gold in the teal light from the sky. Spider webs and leaves flutter pink when the wind rustles them ever so slightly.

I see what JFW means about the colors. There are plenty of other ways to describe the appearance of something, whether it be texture, movements, colors, etc. I don't find it as much of a problem, but I'm giving other possibilities if you're willing to change that up. ^^

I do not stand alone, for I am never alone when I am in this place, for this is a place of wonders.

Ew. For repetition. Either add variety to your connections or split this up/rewrite this. Joining three independent clauses like this isn't really.. known to happen? Haha, I dunno how to put it. Consider splitting it up, though, or maybe insert a semicolon. You can think of something, I'm sure.

Each and every [insert space here] thing is alive, [semi or period instead] I am astounded as I sense the breath of the waves against my cheek.

Each and every thing is how it should read because eachthing is not a word. Consistency!

Commas do not -- I repeat: Do not -- separate sentences. In order to do so, they must have one of the FANBOYS. Semicolons separate sentences [It's basically a comma with a period above it. It's half of a comma, half of a period. ^^]

The crystals beneath my feet glow warm as the sun goes down, keeping my toes heated for me.

Glow warm? Grammatically, it's incorrect, and it doesn't make sense. You can't see warm. It can radiate warmth, or it can glow warm colors, but it can't glow warmth.

Underlined: The first part of the sentence was written masterfully [:wink:], but then we get to the second part. Is there not a way to rewrite this so it sounds as poetic as you have been writing? You have such an excellent vocabulary when it comes to adjectives and describing things. I'm sure you can think of something! ^^

Settling down on a golden log where the water breaks, I dip my bare feet into the waves and savor the warmth the world [s]around me radiates[/s] radiates around me.

It just sounds better like this.

Here in this world, I have no destiny, nothing calling my name.

I never feel too hot nor too cold, pain nor fear, or rejection.

I agree with Scasha at this point. Nor is usually used with neither. If you had I feel neither too hot nor too cold, pain nor fear, then it would be better. The or rejection sounds very random. If it was coupled with its opposite, it would fit in. Otherwise, I'd get rid of it.

I stand amongst a vast beauty, and somehow, I am apart of it.

Overall

I hardly have any complaints. It's written very beautifully! You have excellent wording in places that made me sigh. However, I see your description is set around only colors, and though we love colors, be sure to add some variety to your appearances.

That's not too much of a biggy, though. This is lovely! Very poetic and just awesome!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!