From A Gaze

I'm still a newbie when it comes to guitar playing and song writing. This was my first attempt at composing songs. I wrote this song for my date when I asked her to go to the prom with me. Anyway please critic it and I will appreciate any constructive criticisms as long as, well they're constructive.

From A Gaze

Intro:

G-C
Oooh…hooo…hooo…

Verse 1:
D
Looking afar
Watching you walk
Sweeping me off my feet

D9
From miles away

A-A7
Hiding out of sight
Humming a tune
Singing a song

Bm
Created out of you

Refrain:
Em
Wishing for you to see (pause)

Em
Hoping for you to hear (pause)

Em
This song…

Chorus:
G C
From a gaze, with just a glance

Dsus Dsus (*broken chord* bring G string to D and one fret higher)
My knees have gone on shaking

G C
With your smile, I’m mesmerized

Dsus Dsus (*broken chord*)
But I’ll still keep on singing
G-C (3x)
For you…

Instrumental: (3x)
G-C-Dsus- Dsus (broken chord)

Verse 2:

D
Writing a line
Thinking a rhyme
On how to describe

D9
The smile on your face

A-A7
You're sitting beside
A group of five
Laughing with them

Bm
I don’t know what to do

Refrain:
Em
Wishing for you to see (pause)

Em
Hoping for you to hear (pause)

Em
This song…

Chorus:
G C
From a gaze, with just a glance

Dsus Dsus (*broken chord* bring G string to D and one fret higher)
My knees have gone on shaking

G C
With your smile, I’m mesmerized

Dsus Dsus (*broken chord*)
But I’ll still keep on singing

G-C (3x)
For you…

It's kind of funny. Before I left this morning I was lloking at this and decided to critique it once I got home. Well, here you go. And I don't play the guitar so I'm ignoring the notes at the top (just so you know, it could affect the tune I give it)

Looking afar
Watching you walk
Sweeping me off my feet

I like the first two lines, but the last one doesn't really seem to fit with the tune I'm using.

From a miles away

You either mean, Frome a mile away, or, From miles away

I’m hiding in sight
Humming a tune
Singing a song

I like this. The thing I'd comment on is, Humming a tune and Singing a song are connected, but I don't see any connecting with hiding in sight, and that line confused me a bit. I'd change it.

Writing a line
Thinking a rhyme
On how to describe

Very, very nice. Nothing to comment on here. Very good job.

You're sitting beside
A group of five
Laughing with them

The first two lines go, but the thid doesn't fit in. Also, a group of five? That's a bit... odd. Did you choose it for the rhyme?



Overall, I liked it. Seeing as you have the chords here, I'd like it if you were able to record you playing it so I can hear the tune, but that is difficult. There were a few things I commented on, but the rest I really liked.

Good job!

I am very bad at the guitar so unfortunately can't try it out with the chords but the lyrics are great.

The refrain and chorus are good but perhaps the second time you sing the chorus you could add an extra few lines into it? Like how some songs have two sections to the chorus and the first time they sing it, they only sing half, then the rest of the song, they sing the whole chorus.

The first part of the second verse was probably my favourite section. 'Thinking of a rhyme' is more like what people would say but the fact that you couldn't fit in 'of' doesn't detract from it too much. Although like chocoholic said, the second part of the verse isn't quite as strong.

I liked this imagery:

'Sweeping me off my feet/From miles away'
'Hiding out of sight'
'Singing a song/Created out of you'

First of all, I think it's great that you've got the music, too! This is the first song with music I've read here. Though I have to say that the chords made this harder to read, but I can't really complain, can I?

D
Writing a line
Thinking a rhyme
On how to describe

D9
The smile on your face

I liked this bit, although I think the last line don't rhyme with the others.

I don't really find anything to criticize, so it seems you did a pretty good job, congratulations! See you around.

Demeter xx