boogyman

I live in a place dim and tight
where the boogyman comes out at night
I do everything I can to stay awake
begging God for a break
Tired,I close my eyes
still alive,but dead inside
wondering why,he chose me
to ruin my life,instead of letting me be
I say your sick,he says I'm a tease
I say no, you have a disease
He says he loves me but nobody knows
He's heartless and evil,without a soul
People always say, I'm here if you need me
but when I cry out no one will believe me

I live in a place dim and tight

where the boogyman comes out at night (Full stop)

I do everything I can to stay awake

begging God for a break (Need another syllable here, I would suggest 'clean break')

Tired,I close my eyes

still alive,but dead inside (comma)

wondering why,he chose me

to ruin my life,instead of letting me be (Full stop)

I say your sick,he says I'm a tease

I say no, you have a disease (very forced rhyming)

He says he loves me but nobody knows

He's heartless and evil,without a soul (Near- rhyme doesn't quite work)

People always say, I'm here if you need me

but when I cry out no one will believe me (Full stop)

Ok, a few problems here. Nothing major, but ones that need amending nonetheless.

1. Forced rhyming. It's far too obvious as dims all your other descriptive language because the reader is focusing so much on it. It also gives a kind of nursery rhyme ring to it and makes the poem much less sinster. Try and work on this.

2. Punctuation. Not a big thing- but it's a basic rule. Try not to forget about it- an editor would slate you for it.

3. Telling rather than showing. There's not enough imagery, it's all tell and some of the language is rather cliched.

All in all, I'd give this 5/10 at the time present. You need to work hard to tyr and make this original. Good luck and I hope this helps.

Eimear xx

Ami caught mostly everything but to reiterate. This poem isn't one that suits not having puntuaction not only does it look tidier having it in, it also makes it easier for people to read. Now rhyming. A note poetry doesn't need to rhyme it's a mistake people tend to make in thinking. I'm not a fan of rhyming poetry my self. It seems juvenile, worse still is forced rhyming. It looks terrible and makes the readers only take in that stunted rhyming. Lastly, tell us a story but actually show us. Make us feel the fear of it. Lastly I suggest reading more poetry, the greats. To try and lean how best to do it.

Overall: My main suggestion is read more poetry and try again.

Good luck
VSN

emily846 wrote:I live in a place dim and tight A comma can be here.
where the boogyman comes out at night period here.
I do everything I can to stay awake period here
begging God for a break capitalize "Begging" Add a period
Tired,I close my eyes Needs more
still alive,but dead inside
wondering why,he chose me
to ruin my life,instead of letting me be
I say your sick,he says I'm a tease
I say no, you have a disease
He says he loves me but nobody knows
He's heartless and evil,without a soul
People always say, I'm here if you need me
but when I cry out no one will believe me

Alright this isn't bad not for a beginner. But you need punctuation or it will seem like a run-on sentence. Nothing big but you need some kind of verbs or something to describe something in the sentences because most of these sentences are fragments.
Becareful of that.

If you need anymore help or you would like me to critique some other stuff you wrote please pm it to me. Ok?

Keep writing.

GordonRamsayLuver