Dear Dom,
It has been days since I last received a letter from you. I hate living without you here. We were so perfect in high school, everything was so amazing- I miss those days. I miss waking up to your phone calls and getting in my car to find that you had left a present on my seat the night before. I miss hearing you laugh with all the guys. I miss bowling, racing, watching Sunday football games.
Damnit Dominic! I am not strong enough for this!! My heart is breaking, my soul is crashing and burning. It eats me alive inside. There are moments and days that I cannot feel anything. Do you know why!? Because I am guilty. I feel guilt when I laugh, when I enjoy life and when I eat a full meal. There you are…sitting in this desert not knowing whether you will live or die. IM IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!! I don’t want to feel something unless you’re feeling it too.
How is it that each of your letters to me is seemingly happy and content??! I’m collapsing, I’m weak and I am not even disconnected from the world, from my family, from my friends like you are.
Dom, baby…I don’t know how much longer my mind will be sane, but I will wait for you. It’s tearing me up inside, but it‘s worth it. YOU are worth it. I am not living if I am not with you.
Please be safe, my babe.
Always yours,
Joanna
Babygirl,
I love you to the ends of the earth. It’s hot out here and my health is slowly fading. My body doesn’t respond as well as everyone else’s to this heat. There is sand in my eyes and embedded in my skin. I squint on a normal basis now to keep the dirt out and my vision sharp. These guys out here with me are far tougher than I am. They stay awake for nights on end, while I…well, I hate to lay in alone without you…so I sleep to get away from the thought of missing you. Jo, I hate to be away from you like this. It’s torture. My heart aches and I feel more concern for you in one day than the rest of my guys out here. I wonder where you are, what you are doing. I wonder if you are happy or sad. I wonder if you’re wondering about me. Jo, I hate this!!
You are my everything, the light in my darkness, my hope. I wake up to protect you!!! Jo, I wish you could understand. I wish you could see. I truly love you...and I always will. I’m sending you all of my love, my heart poured out into this envelope. I hope you can feel it. I long for nothing but to kiss you wholeheartedly, so that you’ll never be able to deny the passion I hold for you. Jo, you are my girl- and I cannot wait to marry you. I’ll be out of this sandbox soon, but until then, stay strong my love.
All my love babygirl,
Dom
When Jo woke up that Saturday morning she made her breakfast and waited impatiently for the mail. She fervently cleaned and anxiously paced the house.
“Calm down, Joanna Marie!” She’d hear her mother say, but her heart kept pumping. Saturdays were the days she cherished most because the letters from war always came.
Finally, the mail arrived and Jo leapt out of the front door and to the street where she eagerly opened the door to the mailbox.
There it was. A small blue envelope without a stamp. It looked tattered, as though it had traveled upon camel’s backs, airplanes, trains and trucks to get to her. As she flipped it over, she saw the part where Dom had not licked the seal properly. It had begun to peal back, revealing a white interior. Stuffed inside was a tiny sheet of journaling paper, yellowed from the sun and without lines. The writing was in capital letters, written diagonally across the page so as to use as much space as the page had to offer.
It read:
Dear Jo-
Life in the sand is crazy! It’s worthwhile though, my life is very interesting out here. I am taking good care of myself so that I can tell you lots of stories when I get home. I hope that you’re doing well and having lots of fun for the both of us! I know I am! I’m making enough memories for two people! I keep telling you, this is an experience that I will never forget!! I keep a smile on and I sleep as often as I can. It’s a really different life- but it’s not changing me! I just cant wait to get home and get some pizza and a freaking Root beer. (Oh and to see you too! Haha) Keep your spirits up girl! I’ll keep mine up too!
X’s and O’s
Love, Dom
Jo was amazed at the sense of lightheartedness in his letter. She inhaled the scent of the paper, hoping for something more than the blank smell she received as she exhaled. No cologne, no sand, just some writing on a paper. Jo felt a pang guilt for thinking it was just some words on a page, but quickly let the feeling go. She was happy to know he was at least thinking of her, but did he think of her the way she thought of him? She may never know.
****
“Mail call!” Screamed a man in uniform. Dom shook with excitement as he threw an envelope to him.
“Another good smellin’ one. Damn, you must have this girl all over you.” The mail carrier joked. Dom squeezed out a smile, but it faded quickly and he ripped into his envelope, hoping to find something to make his heart content.
Hey Dom!
We all miss you around here! There are good things happening in the neighborhood. People are getting married and others are getting back together! It’s fabulous. There’s just a wealth of love to be shared around here!! I hope you know how many people are sending their love your way. Some new movies have just come out and a big group of us are going out this Friday night. We always buy a ticket for you, just so it can feel like you’re here. You know me, I’m just loving life, waiting on you to get back here so we can do normal relationship stuff. Haha! I can’t wait to get a rose from you again!!
Stay strong out there- We’re all praying for and loving you overseas!
Love ya mucho!
J.
Dom smiled for a second at the thought of how they missed him, but he seemed unsatisfied. He brushed it off quickly, happy enough to have received a letter from home, but he still felt a pang of dissatisfaction.
Months passed and the lighthearted letters continued. Dom and Jo both writing letters that they did not send and feeling unsettled when they received letters that were less than passionate. Both seemingly okay on the outside, tarnished and broken on the inside. If only they knew that what they wanted was right there. There was no need for a cover story, their love was just as real as they both wanted it to be, each of them desiring what the other had to offer. Their hearts understood what their minds would not let them. Too many years of perfection defeated the passion, and now one was scared that he felt too much, the other just wanted to know that he felt the same way. Neither one letting their guard down, the letters persisted, leaving hearts unsatisfied and a romance killed in action.
****
It was getting to be dark at Jo’s house on a windy August night. The windows were open and she sat in the living room playing solitaire, thinking of Dom, their memories together and if a passion between them would ever be possible. All of a sudden, unfamiliar lights pulled up in the drive way. A lovely woman in her 50’s stepped out. Jo immediately recognized her as Dom’s mother. Her heart leapt, her stomach tied itself into knots. She opened the door and saw a strange look in his mother’s eyes.
“Mrs. Robin-” Jo began.
“Don’t, Joanna dear. I have something to say and something to give you.” Tears welled up in both their eyes.
“Joanna, Dom isn’t coming back from war. He didn’t make it through a raid. He was killed four days ago, but I couldn’t get out of bed to bring myself here. Jo, darling. They sent his stuff back to his father and I. There’s something I think you should have.”
Dom’s mother pulled a journal from behind her back. Jo immediately recognized the size of the paper as the one he had always written on. She inhaled as best she could, hiccupping between tears.
“I’ll come back one of these days and we’ll talk, but I- I just can’t right now.” Mrs. Robin said as she let herself out.
Joanna slowly sat down on her couch and caressed the journal with her fingertips. This exact journal that Dom had opened so many times to write in. She swallowed her tears in order to see clearly. As she opened the cover, she found letter upon letter. She flipped through the entire book and every page was written on. She stopped and slammed the book shut and started to sob. Tears rolled down her cheeks and fell into droplets on
Dom’s journal. She knew what it held, for she had kept the same journal. She opened it once more and began to read, touching each page with her fingers as if she were touching Dom. Each page becoming a different part of his skin to her. The passion of his love was poured in abundance on each page and it lit a fire in her heart. Every word was not simply written, but engraved on each page with love. She now held in her hands everything she had wanted from him and everything she was willing to give him. Her eyes welled up with tears as she realized it was now too late to express any of this to him.
“Damnit Dom!” She whispered as she clutched the journal to her chest, rocking back and forth at a nervous rate.
She turned to the last page in the book that he had written on and it read:
To my darling babygirl,
No matter what happens to me out here, I will always be waiting for you. You are my other half and I love you more than anything in this world. I wake up to secure your life, I rest dreaming of ours. Joanna, I live and inhale, die and exhale for you. I am not whole without you. I never will be. You are what is most important to me in this world. One day I’ll be able to tell you all this, but for now, I’ll wait for you to feel the same. Are you ready ?
Loving you so,
Dominique.
Jo got up and walked slowly to her room with the journal tightly held in her arms, passing
her speechless mother in the hallway. She sat on her bed and reached into her nightstand where she kept hers. She laid them together on her bed and opened to the last page of Dom’s notebook. She grabbed her pen and wrote in the most elegant cursive.
Dominique,
I guess that nothing in this world should go unsaid, no passion unfelt. I’m sorry that I never let you into the deepest part of my heart.
Tears began to fall once again, staining that page and allowing the ink to run.
I realize now that there will never be another to love me the way you do.
But I just want you to know…I feel the same way for you. I am ready for you.
I love you. - Jo
She closed the journal, labeled the outside “Letters from War” and tucked them safely beneath her pillow. She continued to cry that night, tears of sorrow, tears of regret but among those, there were also tears of joy, knowing he had loved her the way she always dreamt he had.
