A Battling Plane

Battling Plane (2) This is my second attempt at this poem...


Edited (original was quoted by the post below =) [ I only edited the spaces])
___________________________
There is a foul depth in souls
A dark chasm of emptiness and shame
An abyss of sorrow
Unfound and nonexistant in none,
As it grows
Life seems positively penetrable by its pull
--
A man
Fidgetting in his pockets
--
There is a saint in everyone
Pure, strong, and true,
Achieved by greatness
A portal to a true hero
Found everywhere
--
A man
Bowing his head in grief
--
Two paths crossed
The collision
Like a cosmic vortex of blissful insanity
Swimming in the chaos that is...
A battling plane
--
A woman

One of them triumphed, but which one lost?

Lying in a pool of blood
--

There is a foul depth in souls

A dark chasm of emptiness and shame

An abyss of sorrow

Unfound and nonexistant in none,

As it grows

Life seems positively penetrable by its pull


--
A man

Fidgetting in his pockets
--

There is a saint in everyone

Pure, strong, and true,

Achieved by greatness

A portal to a true hero

Found everywhere


--
A man

Bowing his head in grief
--


Two paths crossed

The collision

Like a cosmic vortex of blissful insanity

Swimming in the chaos that is...

A battling plane


--
A woman



One of them triumphed, but which one lost?



Lying in a pool of blood



There were too many spaces! I think you should rewrite this.

Blacktiger, was there any need to quote the whole poem for that one comment? I think not.

Anyway, the spaces were a bit unnecessary. However, I did quite like the poem.

There is a foul depth in souls

A dark chasm of emptiness and shame

An abyss of sorrow

Unfound and nonexistant in none,

To me, this structure is a bit weak. I like the idea, but its just statement after statement. If you played around with the metre, or tried to incorporate some more imagery to expand on it. Its just a bit dull, in my honest opinion, especially as it runs throughout. Except for the final stanza where you have that bit about the collision, i suppose. I do like the stanza breaks though, with the shorter stanzas. I also like the contrast you've incorporated : foul depth in souls; There is a saint in everyone. I do like a bit of contrast.

I never read your first draft, but i wish i had done. Its quite good, but i think it needs fine tuned again. Sorry! Keep it up x

Okay, we'll try this one. Edits in bold.

Mr. Everyone wrote:Battling Plane (2) This is my second attempt at this poem...


Edited (original was quoted by the post below =) [ I only edited the spaces])
___________________________
There is a foul depth in souls
A dark chasm of emptiness and shame I liked the rhythm at the beginning.
An abyss of sorrow Not this part quite as much, though.
Unfound and nonexistant in none, Okay, let's see. "Unfound" isn't a word, maybe write it: "Un-found". Also, the spelling of the third word is nonexistent.
As it grows
Life seems positively penetrable by its pull I liked your first stanza...
--
A man
Fidgetting in his pockets "Fidgeting" would be spelled with one "t". (As shown.) I don't really like this sentence. "Fidgeting" seems like the wrong word. How about "fumbling".
--
There is a saint in everyone
Pure, strong, and true,
Achieved by greatness The rhythm of the first two lines was good, but there are too many syllables in the third line.
A portal to a true hero You use "true" twice in this stanza. It seems repetitive. Actually, to help the flow, try simply, "A portal to a hero".
Found everywhere [b]A little bit short, but I guess that's what you're going for?
--
A man
Bowing his head in grief
--
Two paths crossed You kind of changed your voice. Before it was remote, and unspecific, but now you're telling a story.
The collision
Like a cosmic vortex of blissful insanity
Swimming in the chaos that is...
A battling plane ? I totally didn't get this.
--
A woman

One of them triumphed, but which one lost?

Lying in a pool of blood
--

Okay, you started out marvelously, but your ending was lacking. What is this battling plane? And your final sentence wasn't a very good closer. Once you get to the third or fourth stanza, I would just rewrite it, but make it clearer and more dramatic at the end.

Also, I think you need punctuation. It doesn't look very good without it.

Your rhythm was mixed, some places you were great, sometimes not.

I wish I could advise you on pictures and things (like the cliche: showing, not telling), but I can't ditch that problem myself. Leave that to someone else.

This has a great start, and if you work with it a bit, it can definitely improve.

Keep writing!

Teh Wozzinator