4/27/07 (free verse)

4/27/07

Suffocation.
The throng surrounds me;
Pushing, prodding, pressing for their benefit.
Regret.
I’m wedged between strangers and an equally indifferent bar;
Moving, seeing, breathing are each impossible.
Lights.
He strides energetically onstage, mic in hand;
Cheers, shrieks, applause all follow.
Sound.
The band strikes up;
Strumming, banging, thrashing instruments explode.
Singer.
He opens his mouth;
Smooth, serene, melodic reverberations result.
Excitement. 
My eyes absorb each of their moves, my ears their sounds;
Consolation, soothing, empowering me by the moment.
Music.
It continues for an hour and a half;
Impressive, influential, marvelous enough to last a lifetime.

Universal medicine.

I liked this. This overall concept brought a new spin on performers and their fans. However I felt that there were a few things that brought it down.

1. Structure- I think this, although it was free verse needed a stricter structure. I would have made it easier to read.

2. The title- 4/27/07, I think a more thought out title would have added more to the piece. I also ensures more views if you have a gripping title.

3. Showing instead of telling- you seemed to have great descriptive language, but this was spoiled by constant showing:

He strides energetically onstage, mic in hand;
Cheers, shrieks, applause all follow.

(Great, but then this a few lines later is unnecesarry)

Singer.

I think this piece has great potiental, so please PM me if you revise it. The last line earns the poem a gold star.

Universal medicine.

Hope and Best Wishes,

Eimear

I like this poem a lot , because just about everyone can relate to music.

I’m wedged between strangers and an equally indifferent bar;
Moving, seeing, breathing are each impossible.

I like your choice of words in this part. You eliminate three out of the five senses, which makes the person feel overwhelmed, but in a good way.

My eyes absorb each of their moves, my ears their sounds;
Consolation, soothing, empowering me by the moment.

Here again I like how you use the senses, it shows, not tells, the reader what is going on. Just be careful about how you use the senses as description for example you could say, "The air around me rippled with excitement,at the sound of the music beginning to play."


I really liked this poem. I'm not very good at giving advice, but I think you are doing a magnificent job!