beneath the skin

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groggy blood wanders sleepily in my veins,
hauling its great load and never safe
from the papery, flimsy film of my white skin.
it is hardly immortal; rather weak and
defenceless if you look at the way
my stringy blue veins are so clear beneath the
sheer paleness of skin layers;
vulnerable blueness quite like the unprotected
gentle blue of the daytime sky.

pulse shudders, drumming rhythmically, so firm and rigorous
like the electric rays of the sun which clutched the world today.
my pulse flings itself out at the skin of my neck,
exploding from the inside, and beating,
ever-beating, energetic and never tiresome,
unlike the night tonight, how it
sighs wearily, sick of the monotony, the plethora of days.
vibrating throb on my wrist breathes, "life, life, life."

deep red heartbeat pumps crisply inside my chest,
pounding and writhing more musically than my pulse,
altering tone, pace, pitch with every new season's breath.
it is the epicentre of all, my heart.
its long, thin, red fingers stretching to all corners,
nothing escapes its grasp, and with the low thumps it
inflicts each time it exhales, it is no wonder everything
obeys, for who could defy such authority, who knows better
than this dominion which takes life by the neck and throttles it out of sleep?
written: Thursday 26th March, 2004, 10:54pm.
purple sneakers




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Loved it. Great imagery.'..I have no constructive criticism.
Matt.




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wow! there are some amazing writers in here. i love this one. must go read some more...
Sometimes in order to find the light one must risk the darkness




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I really liked the imagery, love the use of metaphors and such. hmm, well, i have no critiscm!

great job!


JEnni
On a scale of 1 to Random, I'm pretty ADHD.




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This was good. :D I liked it a lot.
There were some words that could've been changed but all in all this is a great poem. I hope you're thinking a bout publishing it.
All the best!

~Rachael
Some say laughing is the best medicine but what do you do when you can't laugh anymore?

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Okay that is probably one of the best things I've read on the site. Your metaphors were absolutely amazing.
Submit more, man they're great!

- Domenique
This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do,
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute?




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Alexis*the*person
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this seems like something i would write when looking at my wrist and getting inspired at the same time in the first verse. then in the second verse i convey it as how i feel after i ran a mile and it feels like my heart is in my throat. :wink:




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This post is amazing, you have a great imaganation. I think that this might be some of the best work I've seen in a couple of weeks, whihc is good, this is fresh. I haven't seen work like this in a while. I'm really porud to say I have nothing judgemental to say about this piece. I love your title too, it drew me in right away.

-Max
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™




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defenceless if you look at the way


Defenseless doesn't have a 'c.' Replace it with an 's'.

my stringy blue veins are so clear beneath the

sheer paleness of skin layers;

vulnerable blueness quite like the unprotected

gentle blue of the daytime sky.


You used "blue" three times in the same stanza. Typically this devalues the magic the word has in the poem. Try replacing are omitting two of them--unless you purposely used "blue" more than once.

Besides those two things I'd change, w-o-w. The imagery is vivid in this piece of writing. Beautiful.

- Summerless <3



time was invented by clock companies to sell more watches
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