Loss

Into the darkness I walk,
Even in death I can hear you talk,
Shadows left with memories,
All become lost within the trees,

Will I become forgotten,
In my casket rotting,
I really didn't mean to leave you behind,
Just keep me in mind,

Don't believe the weathers perfect the day you die,
Love still lingers in your eye,
You'll find away to move on again,
A life without sin,

Even in the darkness of my lies,
My heart somehow cries,
But I had to leave this life so morbid,
Fallowed everything back into the dark where it hid,

Today is the last day I fell,
Now I must say farewell,
In my head these words fill the covers,
This was a death amongest lovers.

I like, but like so many others I am afraid of closed together writing. You should space it out more. It helps draw those reviewers out. Don't worry I was told this too after I was so bummed about no reviews. Someone told me of this. now I get lots of reviews. So its all good.


*Bored* Do you like Bleach? I love Hitsugaya from Bleach. He's just so cute and defensive of his shortness. Just like me I am short but I've exsepted it. sigh.................


well keep it up.

So.. this is my first review, so if I'm not too certain my advice will be the most usable.
But wow. I really liked this poem. It was very detailed.
There was one line however I think you should change,
"Love still lingers in your eye,"
Just the eye part maybe..
But what do I know,
it's your poem.
It's really really good. =]

soconfused4512 wrote:Into the darkness I walk,
Even in death I can hear you talk,
Shadows left with memories,
All become lost within the trees,
Will I become forgotten,
In my casket rotting,
I really didn't mean to leave you behind,
Just keep me in mind,
Don't believe the weathers perfect the day you die,
Love still lingers in your eye,
You'll find away to move on again,
A life without sin,
Even in the darkness of my lies,
My heart somehow cries,
But I had to leave this life so morbid,
Fallowed everything back into the dark where it hid,
Today is the last day I fell,
Now I must say fairwell,
In my head these words fill the covers,
This was a death amongest lovers.

I really liked how you described how it is to love someone you love. The tone used in it expresses that it's not loaing just a random boyfriend or girlfriend, but as if it were to lose the person you truely love. I have some concern about the last few lines.

But I had to leave this life so morbid,
Fallowed everything back into the dark where it hid,
Today is the last day I fell,
Now I must say fairwell,
In my head these words fill the covers,
This was a death amongest lovers.

Seems as if you're talking about suicide. That shows how weak people's will are. I hope this helps.

-Rick.

thankyou all for your input on my poems i will update them as soon as i can (just to loazy to right now)

Don't believe the weathers perfect the day you die

I noticed this line, and recognized it from an Armor For Sleep song. I could be wrong, but I think you should note at the end of your poem that you were inspired by that song, or borrowed material from it. That would seem like the ethical thing to do.

fairwell should be farewell
amongest should be amongst

Another little few grammatical/punctuation errors, remember to thoroughly proof read.

Wow.

I love how descriptive this poem is about true love, how unforgiveable it can be. It really made me visualize the scene in my mind.

Keep it up !

Excellent!

This brings up a question that my teacher asked us in class during an introduction to the new work of literature we're reading, "Romeo and Juliet". Because we are all 14/13 year olds with raging hormones and people are starting to go out. She asked, "Think about someone you like or going out with and think if you would die for them."

This poem made me think about that time in class and Romeo and Julet. This is true love, the will of dying for someone you love. This is a good message for people who are in a relationship because infactuation or lust.

I like the rythmn. And the depth is outstanding! I have no favorate part of this poem because everything is so great.

Overall, great job!

Hey there! ^^
It was a great poem!
I really like your work!

Anyway, here are some mistakes I found. (I think. :S)

Now I must say fairwell,

'Now I must say farewell,'
I think that's what you meant to type, correct? ^^
Sorry if I'm mistaken.

Well, as I said, I really like your work! Please keep on writing and PM me when you post a new poem, alright?

Seeya 'round! ^^