Future Stench

Evening seas will roll
with our coming toxicity,
the red of blood swirling up onto our coasts.
New kings will arise
with profound powers -

And we will marvel.

Orbits won’t hold our attention
until the pull has done its work,
so beneath are we, flailing under our choking spiderwebs.
We will cry for the past
and curse our denials,

And we will survive.

Horsemen will seep
from the remaining dust and hunt
down those with no faith in the sky, their tails like a scorpions.
Suicide is a grasp of mercy
the survivors shall not feel -

And we will cry.

But the river soaks our blood
and there is no peace!
Two men outside the holy place, their words hurt our ears,
our prophet will kill them
and leave their rotting bodies -

And we will not bury them.

Our eyes shall rejoice
and gifts shall come from our hands
for our conscience is stinking in our streets.
We - unforeseeing, for in three days
their bodies rise from the dirt -

And we will fear.

All names taken care of,
no soul without judgment shall withstand
the greatest earthquake, breaking our world into thirds.
The people will fall and eat the dust
as hail beats them down -

And we will die.

Hmm, I can't decide, this seems original but the theme isn't really. I can't decide whether I like it or what. You've a nice structure, very good, but it just irks me, how the poem doesn't make me feel anything. I think you need to also use the five senses here, to put us inside the poem.

That is where this falls, the lack of emotion felt from readers. I can say anything other than using the narrator senses, don't just tell us, show us. Hate to be a killjoy.

Overall: It's got potential, just get some strong powerful emotion in it.

Good luck
VSN

Thanks Vernon

ink_on_fire,


The opening two lines, as well as several others throughout, seem too forcibly "poetic" to my ear. "Toxicity" connotes a level of poison, a leak in the defenses, that isn't explored in the rest of the piece, and largely seems to be placed there solely for the intent of sounding nice. Some reconsiderations on your diction might go towards alleviating that feeling.

That aside, I think you cast your net too wide with this. You jump around from one apocalyptic event to the next. I think that, as a poetic reinterpretation of the Christian apocalypse, it skirts around any real analysis of the topic, instead opting to rehash what's already been said in other places (the Bible, Left Behind, or whatever). The problem is, ultimately, that setting aside a few adjectives and phrases here and there, this is basically just a list.

You could well make a series of poems about the apocalypse, each exploring the different events you've listed here in each strophe, and that might be better, but what I really think would make for a much, much more immanently readable and interesting experience for me would be an exploration of your personal connection to faith, language, religion, and even the apocalypse--tending away from, of course, the usual drivel.


Best,
Brad