Fortnight

May Heaven be down,
and Hell be up?

Something is smiling down,
from that bright, sunny sky.
Something sinister,
something sweet.

Questions, questions,
fornights of curiosity.
Brown eyes and curly hair,
shout curses.
I shouldn't have thrown that paper ball.

Skin peeling.
I'm talking to myself again.
Take notes,
how often do you wash your hair?
Bat you eyelashes,
we're all watching.

Two weeks,
and your flesh will fall,
from your bones.

I'm rotting,
and there's only two people,
coming to my funeral.

0.o This was way better than your last poem. Absolutely amazing. You would only get this if you have ever sat through a class with completely shallow people and you are sitting there suffering.

Really? You liked it more? Thankyou! This means alot! Yeah. It was actually rather randomly written.

Your poem is good it has emotion, but it lacks feeling. I like it, free form is probably the easiest thing to use.

Thankyou for the review! It carries emotion for me, but I appreciate the comments!

Very nice poem, million times better than your last one, very emotional.

An intresting poem, I think I understand, my favourite line was 'fortnight of curiosity' but overall you use a bit too much repeatition. And this is 'poor me' and navelgazing, though you do it great. It's still weakened by this fact. What I like is you don't do the usual emo approach you 'commited suicide' but you gave us an image. I'll be honest, not normally a fan of this work. Overall: It's abstract but fact remains it's emo and navelgazing and really this isn't the best poetry. When it's all you, a person finds it harder to relate. I admit you've written this exellently, but just try not to write like this in future, drop the 'poor me' and instead make us feel the pain. That's all I can think of.

Good luck
VSN

Thanyou for the review

I like this a lot, mostly because it confuses me. It feels like you could be talking about a dozen different things, which gives my imagination freedom in interpreting. It’s the kind of poem that I can read through quickly and enjoy the randomness, but I can also read slower and ponder a deeper side of it.

thankyou for the compliment! That's more of the feeling I was intending, great job at figuring it out! XD

Thankyou! You're critique is appreciated!

Heh, I really liked this. All about the twist and turns of life. Up and down, forward and back...*Sigh*...This was well written and I don't think I got puntual error, but the others may have caught them already...I like the way you write dramatic poetry!

Keep up the good work!

Death

Talking_Pinata,


The first lines are the only thing remotely interesting in the piece.

S2 offers a reference to "something" sinister in the sky--what is it? Whatever it is, it apparently disappears never to be seen again.

S3-S6 switch gears every strophe without so much as a warning from the preceding one. What's going on, here, narratively? What's their purpose in moving the piece along?

To this reader, what seems to be going on is an exercise in ineptitude. Besides the first two lines, there's nothing to hold on to here that doesn't erode just as suddenly as it appeared. The lack of thought put into the poem is exhibited largely in the lack of cohesion in the poem itself; as an example, you refer to "that sky." Which sky? The one on earth? The one on Zarklon-9? "That sky" is so random and unidentified by what remains that it becomes a detail not even worth including.

Next time, you need to sit down and consider what it is you're trying to say, because this isn't saying it.


Best,
Brad