indever songs

*Ok seams how my friend Iheartu is going to be using my lyrics I'm gona post the songs for you people*Just for help because all the songs to be in Indevor-band story are real*

Starting with: +Up^

What's up with you?
Why can't you speak?
Speak to me in your kind voice.
I miss it so.
Please speak to me.
I'm wondering around.
Wondering where that sweet sound his gone.
For some reason it seams like it's totally gone.
Were are you?
...were are you now?

Next is: +A rift

You caused a rift in my heart
Because of you things are goin' though it
All the time
What happened to you?
You've destroyed us all
What's up with you?
You've changed so drastically since that sweet day.
That day of talken' with out
Holden' back.
I spilled my secrets to you
I trusted you!
And you spilled my secrets to the world!
We're through.
I'm done with you!
...m done with you
...with you

(More shall be posted later)

1st one:

I love the meaning behind it, but it doesn't flow! It's choppy and short. The stanzas don't exactly make sense. It needs to be longer. Add at least another verse and a chorus! But...it was good.

2nd one:

this was also choppy and short. it didn't have enough emotion to it and I didn't like it as much as the first one. It was even more choppy and had no sense of rythem whatsoever. also, it switched quickly. give the person listening to catch up. add more feeling and emotion. explain the situation. a song should tell a story, not leave the reader confused!

both of these were good meaning, but I wouldn't call them songs yet. work on it. I liked them though. XD

Jamie

I know. They aren't finished. My friend liked them, and she wanted to use them in her story so I sayed sure. I told her to put them in as though they were part of a song rather than the whole thing.