Best Friends

The sky is raining.
We would have had a picnic
And gotten ice cream.
Walking together,
We share an old umbrella.
Best friends. Forever.


---------------------------------


^-- Double Haiku meter (custom to me)

And gotten ice cream.

I'm a little finicky about these kinds of things, and I would prefer "and bought ice cream" as opposed to any use of the word "got".


I didn't like it. I can't say anything other than that. It is too lacking, and the final line is too cliché. Even if I examined it from a simplistic view, I can't get anything from it. What do you want your reader to think or feel? Because I feel/think nothing. You need to give something to your reader, do something with this.

I find the line, "The sky is raining" interesting, though. It isn't so plain as "it is raining" which is good, so you're certainly trying for unique writing. This just doesn't give, though, so I cannot appreciate it. I'm not sure what advice I can offer, otherwise.

Sorry for being somewhat useless.

So question: Did you just make up a form of haiku?
If you did, that seems a bit silly to me, as it rather defeats the whole point of a haiku.

I have to say the subject matter is too... how to put this?... personal, I guess. Not elemental, or spiritual. Haikus are supposed to be reflective, and the subject matter didn't leave anything up for thought. Sorry, but I am going to have to agree with Suzanne on this one. Maybe you could try to be a little more traditional to start out with, and then move to the non-traditional haiku style. Sort of a learning process.

Hmm...
I see where this is going. But, I have to say this is indeed lacking.

Then again, that as an element that I liked.
not that it's a good thing to slack off in wrting, but the way you did it, I imagined myself with my BFF, us having a fabulous time at a picnic, loving each other's company, at my dad's house eating after my birthday and yada yada... It's as if you've opened the door, and I had to walk in myself.

I don't know if that's what you were going for, but it worked for me. I created a whole scene in my mind just by that little thing. So for that, kudos to you.

Hmm.

The first line 'The sky is raining' is about the only line I like.

The last line ruined it. 'Best friends. Forever'

I found myself saying, 'Please end it with someone original.' And I don't think that happened.

If you do a short poem, you need to make sure it has a enough substance, if you know what I mean. Too short and watery leaves the reader bored and unimpressed - but if you get it short and full with what it is you are aiming for, then the reader will be like 'Wow, how did they get so much into that small poem?'

I like the simplistic ideal of friendship you are trying to portray, however.

Good luck,

Inky

This is too short to be properly developed, for the subject you chose. What does getting ice cream show about being best friends? Sharing an umbrella? Walking? It needs way more to it. The only way we would know that was what you were describing is at the end when you say 'best friends' and the title. It's a lot of telling, and not enough showing. The best friend idea, or any friend idea, is used so much that to be successful you have to be unique, or at least interesting/funny, something that grabs people's attention. There is no imagery in this, no rhythm, nothing to say "this is poetry" except having it all in seperate lines.

Try again, and good luck.


*adna*