Truman

Deleted.

Very nice. I like how you compare a bad day to hell. That must have been an awful day. But, I don't think Hell is darkness, I believe it is is an endless pit of fire, so it will be brightly lit Anyway, nice poem and keep it up!

darkdove wrote:what fresh new hell has comes my way. Is there a reason the "what" is not capitalized?
A one way trip - express - without delay.
No sex, no love, just alone for an eternal night.
Hell has sucked me into its shithole of loneliness with all its might. I am really not a big fan of this line, it just doesn't fit right for me.
I sit in darkness and pierce into my withering shell with my blade of life.This seems very chiche emo poem to me, I'm sorry to say.
my sorrows will be over with one final thrust
Down the street and not across will leave me in eternal darkness You have mentioned darkness a few times, now I am bored with the word. Maybe look to the thesaurus for a little help?
the cold will not take long to set in
you can't feel it at all.
so i ask what fresh no hell will take me in tommorow?capitalize your I's

All in all this didn't really stick with me, you need to watch your grammar and your flow. In some places you have a a rhyme scheme and then all of the sudden you don't any more. Then all of the sudden you will again. It;s a little confusing. Also some times you are talking about your self and then you are talking to someone else, it's very odd.

Try revising this, use the thesaurus and see what you can do about the rhythem.


Good Luck
OverEasy

not bad, not bad ^_^ I rather like this. To me bad days are like hell too.

I sit in darkness and pierce into my withering shell with my blade of life.

I like this part ^_^


everytime you make a new part capitalize the word.


best of luck

~maki-chan